Today I met with the social worker at the bariatric surgery center. She reviewed my relationship with food form and determined that I don't have an eating disorder but most likely do have a metabolic disorder. That is fantastic news! This means that I'm not crazy, I really can't lose the weight on my own. I had to answer a lot of questions and was totally honest. It was nice to know that she thinks I am as ready for the surgery as I do. Yay!!! Meeting with her was great, she was very friendly and warm and made the experience very positive. As I checked out I got to make my next appointment. On January 15th I will meet with the dietitian. This is all moving along so quickly, hooray!!!
My secret is that I am embarrassed by how little I knew my Grandmother who passed away today. I remember spending a good deal of time at her house when I was a young child but, as a child, I didn't really get to "know" her. We moved away from where she lived at an age where I believe I would have gotten to know her and once we moved back I just never made the effort. I was scared because I didn't feel comfortable around her anymore b/c of the years we had spent apart. My cousins had all lived close by and were very comfortable with her and always visiting her. I felt left out and didn't know how to fix it. Mostly I didn't have enough confidence in myself and didn't feel like I would have anything to say that Grandma, or anyone, would care about.
So today my Grandmother passed away. I am sad, not because she is gone, she lived a long life. I am sad because I couldn't get over my lack of confidence in time to get to know a great person.
I love you Grandma and hope you know that. Please forgive me for not being more present in your life. I thought of you often and have to hope that that counts for something somewhere. Rest in peace.
Yesterday I ate some not-so-healthy food. It was all stuff I used to eat and I used to eat a lot more of it but yesterday my body was not happy. By late afternoon yesterday I felt like crap. My stomach hurt, I was nauseous and the mere mention of food made me sick. How quickly your body adjusts to dietary changes. I can only assume that the reason for feeling ill involved gravy, real butter, a soda, and pie. I didn't eat a ton of any of those mentioned but a little was enough. I couldn't eat the rest of the day. It's hard to remember that this will happen, hard to make that mental change.
I am excited to eat healthy today and feel better!!!
The scale is moving again! This morning I was at 292.6 which if you check out my ticker means I have lost 13.4 pounds!! Yay! I am almost halfway to my pre-op goal. I probably won't get on the scale for the next few days. While I don't plan to over indulge for Xmas I do plan to have a few treats. See you all soon!
Do you stress eat? I do. Not as much as I used to, I learned a lot of coping skills in therapy but I still do it from time to time. I have friends who can't eat when stressed, I wish I were that lucky.
Today I stress ate. I didn't sleep well last night thanks to little guy getting up several times and the plow guy needing me to move my car around midnight. In total I got about 4 hours of sleep and was just exhausted come morning. So I started the day out on the wrong foot, in the wrong mood.
The day didn't get much better.
Mid-morning big guy started crying and complaining of ear pain. We ended up at the pediatrician and big guy has a full blown about to rupture ear infection in one ear. Little guys ears are red too. So off we went to the pharmacy to stand and wait 20 minutes for amoxicillin. Once home big guy had had enough and his behavior showed it. He was hurting and taking it out on everyone. Not a pretty sight.
In the midst of all of this I forgot to eat when I was supposed to and ended up grabbing things that were quick and easy when I could. It led to overeating and what I like to call crap eating. I turned to some comfort foods, chocolate chip granola bars for one and just didn't do what I was supposed to do health wise for the day.
Now, I am disappointed in myself but I know that identifying and admitting my problem areas is a good first step. I also keep saying something my therapist taught me. Instead of focusing on the things that went wrong focus on "the next right thing".
This week it is not a scale success, that remains unchanged. I'd like to say I am surprised but I am not. I have been eating healthy this week but eating more than I should. So....not a surprise at all.
My success story involves middle of the night munchie madness. For years now, since my first son was born, I have been munching in the middle of the night. At first I did it when he was a wee one and waking several times a night. I hadn't always had time during the day to eat so I would snack after getting him back to sleep. Sometimes I would snack to keep myself awake while feeding him. Often my snack was peanut butter cups. For some reason I craved peanut butter cups like no one's business when I was post partum with big guy.
The trend continued for quite some time. At one point the apartment we lived in had a kitchen right next to big guys room. I rarely snacked then for fear of waking him up. It was a good thing.
Along came little guy....... I nursed little guy and it made me ravenous!!! I was eating all the time and LOSING weight! It was wonderful. We moved to our new place and the kitchen is not near the bedrooms AND you have to walk through it to get to the bathroom. That is a problem. I would get up at least once a night and snack. Not on apples and oranges mind you but on convenience foods like cookies, candy, and sometimes ice cream. My mother in law bakes often and that is bad. We often have homemade whoopie pies and peanut butter rice krispie treats covered in chocolate in our fridge. UGH.
So this week I said no. NO! I have not had a midnight, or 2, or 4AM snack. That my friends is success!
I have been fat my whole life. That means that all I know is how to live life as a fat person. It scares me that that will change. I want it to change but don't know what that means. Can you imagine something that you've been your entire life changing?? It's scary.
I'm also scared because I have hopes and dreams of what my life will be like when I am thinner and what if those things don't happen?
Another thing I am afraid of is failure. I have tried to do this for 22 years. What if it doesn't work? What if I can't do it? This is my last shot at this, medical intervention is huge and if I fail at it?? What then?
Then there is the surgery itself. I have had several surgeries; a broken arm when I was 2, foot surgery after college, 2 c-sections and a gall bladder removal. All of them went well and I healed nicely. At some point aren't the odds stacked against me? I've had no problems with 5 surgeries, will number 6 be the one that is bad?
So the title pretty much sums it up. I'm feeling kind of down and out and life feels like a crap fest. The holidays are hard when your budget is tight. They are also hard when your significant other works crazy hours leaving you little time to shop/wrap/cook without the children dangling off your legs. We need the money from the overtime, don't get me wrong, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Add to that I can not turn to food for comfort which I have in the past and I am all out of sorts. I haven't done any holiday baking, in part so I don't eat it, and that just feels wrong. Baking is a big part of who I am. I love baking, love baking with the kids, and love giving it to others. I am hoping that in the future I will be able to handle it and not eat so much I have to make more for others. This year though, I just think it's best to avoid it all together. So that's where I am at right now. I am just feeling blah. I hope that my appointment at the bariatric center on the 30th will help bring the excitement back to this process for me.
Ever since having kids my body has changed. It changed physically (thanks to 2 c-sections) and it changed hormonally. I am much more affected by the change in hormones associated with my cycles than I ever was before.
I now suffer from PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It's PMS just about 10X worse. I get very irritable, fatigued, my joints ache and I retain water like a camel in the desert. It sucks.
A littleover a year ago while trying to lose weight, post baby #2, I discovered a few things. #1 My tummy will never be the same. I still don't have feeling in parts of it from nerves cut during delivery. Fun.
#2 I retain so much water from the middle of my cycle to the end it's ridiculous. At one point it was about 4-5 pounds that I would put on and then lose within the two week time frame. Now, why am I boring all of you with this? Well, it's mid cycle for me. I still haven't lost more weight despite my vigilant eating and exercising. That's not normal for me. The beginnings of diets are always very productive , it's later that I slow down tremendously. So I was discouraged until I went to shave my legs last night. There was a huge indentation above my ankle where my sock had been. I am retaining water. Woohoo!! I am so hoping that that's the reason the scale isn't moving but I am still having a hard time believing it. I don't think I'll believe it until the cycle ends and I drop some weight.
So now that you all know about my cycle and my fun hormonal changes I think I'll go have breakfast. Why oh why do I share these things with you???
Ah the flame broiled goodness smelled divine. The fries were fresh and the coke machine was calling my name. It was a little overwhelming but I made it!!! The only thing that went in my mouth was the pickle from Riley's hamburger. Woohoo!!!!!!! I watched as the boys ate their meals and as S devoured a whopper combo meal, size medium and the other half of Riley's hamburger. It was sooooo hard to be that close to something so delicious. I watched the toppings drip out of her burger and onto her hands and could almost taste it. Thankfully it's over. I came home and made myself a hamburger patty using very lean meat and even drained it on a paper towel before eating. I also had a large serving of green beans. Delicious and not nearly the 75 grams of fat that S consumed at dinner. Craziness.
Tonight's dinner was my son's pick. Grammy was supposed to be babysitting so he was looking forward to eating out for dinner. Due to inclement weather Grammy is not here but we have agreed to let him pick dinner. His choice; Burger King. Wish me luck. I actually plan to not eat there at all. True, I could have a salad but salad from Burger King is just kind of.....eh. I can hit the produce dept. of my grocery store late at night to buy wilted lettuce and dry carrots. I figure it will save us some money too. I am not sure what I'll have once home but I know it will be better than a whopper value meal.
As far as food goes I have done soooo well. Today hasn't been great. I had more than my fair share of reduced fat Cheez It's and I did splurge on a bowl of frozen yogurt but in comparison to what I could have eaten that's not bad at all. I wish the scale would reflect how well I've been eating but it's not. I am stuck. I know I just weighed in on Sunday but I am a compulsive scale user and I check every day, sometimes multiple times. It hasn't budged. Well, that's not true. It did go up a little and then back down but that's not the budging I want. I have been walking a lot more too. My weiner dog is quite happy with the multiple walks around the neighborhood. I really hope Sunday's weigh in doesn't disappoint. I fear if there has been no loss I will give up. It's hard to work so hard and eat so well and so little to have nothing happen. We'll see but please be thinking light thoughts Sunday morning for me, OK?
So, I am off to Burger King in a few minutes. I will be strong. The flame broiled aroma won't get me this time. Time to go chug some water.
Kids are mean. I know that first hand. My number one memory of middle school involves two boys; Nick and Phil. They sat behind me in English class. Any time I had to get up and walk to the front of the class they would say "Look out, here comes freight train." Yup, freight train. That was their nickname for me b/c of my size. In middle school I was probably a size 16, not huge by any means but large enough for Nick and Phil to have a target. I hated English. To this day I remember the way they looked, their first and last name's and the sounds of their voices. Each day was torture.
Middle school graduation. All of my friends were so excited. There was even a dance after. My mom took me shopping to buy a dress. Nothing fit. I ended up at Lane Bryant and with a one piece shorts romper covered in horrific flowers. It was the least offensive, believe it or not. I saw it in my mother's face that day while we were shopping; the panic that nothing was fitting, that we would not be able to find anything. I saw the worry that she knew it was upsetting me. I tried to make the best of it and proclaimed that I loved the romper, it was perfect! Inside I was crying. All of the other girls in my class wore cute dresses and looked great. I looked like an oompahloompah.
Freshman year of high school I was in the marching band (yup, I was a band geek). We were a competitive marching band and pretty darn good!! We even went to Disney and marched in the Main St. parade. The summer before freshman year I was informed of a day and time to come to the school and get fitted for a band uniform. Panic struck. Someone was going to know my real size, see how big I really was. Did they have a uniform big enough for me? The dreaded day came and I went. The older band members helping with fittings that day were mostly great and it went pretty well, except........you guessed it....nothing really fit. There were already a few members of the band that were on the larger size and all the uniforms left were small. I got a pair of pants that fit well but I had to squeeze myself into a jacket for every show. I couldn't even sit with it zipped. I looked like a marshmallow stuffed into a smore. I was oozing out all over the place. I hated the uniform, dreaded every time I had to put it on and had to watch what I ate the entire year so the damn uniform would still fit. Maroon and gold still makes me cringe.
Every look, every whisper, every little laugh was always directed at me in my mind. All through middle school and high school I was paranoid. I didn't raise my hand in class b/c I didn't want to draw attention to myself, didn't get up during class to use the bathroom, and if I had to make a presentation in front of the class I nearly died. My heart would race, my palms would sweat and I would feel like I was going to throw up. All of that because the thought of putting my body on display in front of my peers was horrifying. Would they notice my stomach roll? Would they see me sweating and say it was because I was so fat? Would they make fun of my clothes that even I hated? Graduating from high school and, even after, college was liberating for me.
I missed out on a lot. I didn't socialize much, I had a few good friends and that was that. I almost always had a boyfriend. For me, having a boyfriend meant that I couldn't be that disgusting. There was actually someone out there who found me attractive and loved me. The times when I was single I spiraled into depression and thought so little of myself it was scary. No one loved me, no one wanted me, I was gross.
I have come a long way. I know that not everyone judges me by my weight. I know that inside this body I am a great person. Sadly, there's still a little bit of that teenage girl in there so scared and self conscious. I think there always will be.
My blog that is. I see you all stopping by, there's a visitor counter on the bottom of the page. Is it that boring that no one has anything to say about it? I'm lacking in comments. Now I admit, I can be a drive by blogger reader sometimes but I try to comment every now and again. So leave me a comment and let me know....is it really boring for you to read this?? I'll try to spice it up a little.
I'll be back later with a more substantial post, I hope.
Hunger is getting the best of me. I have had hunger pains non stop for nearly a week now. It's getting tough. Add to that that I am starting to get some PMS and I am afraid all hell is about to break loose.
Yesterday was bad. I was hungry a lot. I also had a lot of cravings. First salty then sweet. I ate OK. I had a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, a handful of saltine crackers for snack, baked potato soup (a light recipe) for lunch, yogurt for snack and 2 bowls of salad for dinner. After dinner I was STARVING. I polished off a single serve bag of animal crackers that little guy didn't eat and then S and I made popcorn. I made it on the stove, used as little oil as possible and we did not put butter on it. And I was still hungry. I went to bed hungry, I woke up in the middle of the night hungry.....UGH. Looking over yesterday's food choices though I do see a distinct lack of fruit and protein. I am hoping that it was the lack of protein that made yesterday so rough. Protein is a huge part of the post op diet and what I did yesterday is a no no even if I am pre-op.
I am hoping that today will be better. I am going to start the day with some egg for protein and some fruit and we'll go from there. I am pretty busy today as well so that will help some. Yesterday when things got rough and all I wanted to do was eat I took the dog for a walk. That helped a little.
Any tips, suggestions, encouraging words are welcome..........
Comments: I just wanted to say that some people are having trouble with the comment section. Click on the comment link, type your message in the box and then select either name/url from the drop down menu and type in your name or anonymous and just put your name in the comment box. Then click submit.
At least once a week I will try to think of at least one thing I have been successful at diet-wise. Today I am proud to say I have been very successful on the scale front. I weighed in this morning at 296.2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo!! Go me! That's down 10 pounds from my heaviest. I will admit that 306 was fully clothed and 296 is naked but still! Amazing. I really started putting an effort in when I started blogging this week. You all are keeping me honest whether you know it or not. I have been making healthy choices (most of the time) and it shows.
Now, my goal is to never ever ever see the 300's again. I wasn't there for long, a few months, but I hated it. For some reason that was one of those numbers that killed me and it was very defeating. Phew, never again. I am now 1/3 of the weigh to my pre-op weight loss requirement. Yippee!!
ETA: I added a weight loss ticker at the bottom of the page to track my progress.
Each Saturday I will try to reveal a secret. It will be something I am embarrassed to share but know it will help me in the long run.
Today's secret; I am a liar.
I lie about food consumption. Sometimes that means I hide goodies and eat them when no one is around and sometimes that means I outright lie.
Example: Someone will ask: "Hey what happened to that gallon of ice cream that was in the freezer?" Me: "I, uh, was eating it out of the container and then one of the kids needed something so I set it down and the dog ate it. Can you believe that dog?"
Wow, am I that desperate? Really? I guess I am afraid that someone is going to judge me and make a remark I don't want to hear. Chances are good that I am already angry with myself for eating all of the ice cream and having no self control and I am embarrassed about it so I don't want anyone to know.
The hiding food thing isn't quite as bad as it sounds. I hide a treat when I buy it b/c if I don't then everyone else eats it and I get little to none. I have vowed not to buy anything I would want to hide though and if I do buy it I will not hide it. I will be better off if everyone else eats it. I don't need it!
Where were you all today when I hit the drive through at Wendy's?? Ugh. I had good intentions, maybe a baked potato or salad......good intentions count for something right??
First, let me say that we didn't have power due to an ice storm and I had to get up and bring my kids to a friend's house, take a 20 second shower, get dressed and get to Sesame Street Live because the show must go on!! On the way home I knew I'd need to pick up lunch b/c no power makes lunch time difficult. Here's my problem; why doesn't Subway have drive through? No, really. Why not? I had the kids in the car and little guy was sleeping so it had to be drive through. So Wendy's it was. I did not get a salad or potato. I got a #6. I did get a small size and a diet instead of regular coke but that's not the point huh?
Lunch was good. The fries weren't great so I didn't eat them all but more than I should have.
Here's the divine intervention part. I now feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. I am beating myself up for doing it and my body is pissed. I had been eating well for several days and this fried spicy chicken intruder was not welcome. I have heartburn, nausea and a headache. We'll call that lesson learned.
The outpouring of support via comments and email has been amazing! Thank you all for being so supportive of this journey. I knew I'd have some people in my corner but I am amazed at how many. It's really touching.
A few have commented on my bravery in blogging about such a personal journey. I thought I'd write a little about that. I emailed a friend the other night and was talking about the surgery. She emailed back and asked if I was going to blog about it. My gut reaction, was heck no. I had wanted to keep this as quiet as possible and only tell a select few I was having the procedure. Then this nagging little voice in my head (no I don't really hear voices....yes I do....no I don't) said that I should definitely blog about this. So I set up the blog and then made some choices. I made it public, searchable and I emailed the link to many of my friends. As soon as I hit send on the email my stomach churned. Did I really just tell you all I weigh 306 pounds? Really? Heck my drivers license still says 230. Every time I checked my email and saw a message from someone with the subject re:blog my heart skipped a beat. What would they say? Would they be horrified? You all proved me wrong, nothing but positive messages flowed my way.
Throughout the day the guilt set in. I had sent the link to friends, not family. I was worried about sharing this with my mother and sister. My mom, well, I didn't want her to feel like it was her fault. I know mommy guilt and I didn't want that for her. Why not my sister you ask? Well she's a stick thin petite little thing who seems to never struggle with weight. I also feel like that little sister who can never do anything right when it comes to her. So last night I bit the bullet and sent them an email. I am happy to report that they are both supportive and my sister even said I was a good writer. Woohoo.
I am very happy with my choice to share this with you all. Not only because of all of the positive messages and support but because it was what I needed to do. I needed to come clean and put it out there. Now I have no where to hide and that, my friends, is a good thing. So if you see me at the local grocery store picking up a whoopie pie call me out on it. I need all the help I can get.
That's the truth. Certainly mistakes have been made in regards to my weight but in reality it is no one's fault.
When I went to the informational seminar about the lap band surgery one of the points they stressed repeatedly is that obesity is a disease. It's not that I eat so much more than you, or eat total and complete junk all the time, it's that my body handles food differently than yours does. My body likes to hang on to fat and my metabolism is SLOW. So as we speak my body is working against me. Isn't that just dandy?
So, the surgery will hopefully shock my body into a change and then allow me to make changes in my diet so that my body has no choice but to let go of the fat. LET IT GO! The major thing this surgery will provide for me is feeling full. Currently I only feel full if I eat a lot! So I live with hunger pains a lot and it's those hunger pains that can sabotage a diet quickly.
Now the other thing I will have to deal with are all the emotional factors associated with food. Therapy really helped me deal with some of my food issues and I find myself turning to food less when I am upset than I used to. In the past if the car broke down I'd drown my sorrows in a box of devil dogs. Now though I find myself dealing with things differently. Just the other day my car would not start, did I eat? Nope, I bundled up the kids and we walked to where we needed to go. Bye bye devil dogs....you hold no power over me! It feels good to see the shift in my mind set and reminds me that I can do this. It won't be easy but I can do this.
I have been overweight my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I can remember going to the pediatrician when I was around 8 years old and listening to the doctor tell my father that I was overweight. "Control her eating" he said "help her make better choices" was his advice. Thanks a lot doc. To my dad better choices meant adding ketchup to your fried kielbasa and waiting until 9 for cookies. He was not the right person to tell this to. No one "controlled" my eating, no one helped me make better choices. I was alone. I remember being very sad about what the doctor had said. Food was my friend, how could I give that up? I didn't, and here I sit today at my heaviest weight of 306 pounds.
There have been ups and downs on the scale front. I've dieted a LOT. In fact most of my life has revolved around diets. I've exercised too, even if it's not my favorite thing. I've been successful and lost 30-40 pounds at a time! I plateau, I get discouraged, a gain a little back and before I know it I've gained it all back and then some....and then some more.
I have now come to a point in my life where I am ready. Ready to make some big decisions, ready to change, and ready to live my life. Big decision number 1: I am going to have weight loss surgery, lap band to be specific. Now I know some of you out there are against this for many reasons and believe me, I think I have heard them all. Here's the thing.....I've tried, for over 22 years, and I've failed. I need help. It is not easy for me to ask for help and so I ask; if you cannot be supportive of this decision that I have made please be gentle in the words you use. This is not a decision I made one morning after watching the numbers pop up on the scale, nor one I made in the middle of the night while eating a twinkie. This decision has taken years. Years of researching, soul searching, doctor visits, and giving it my all to do this on my own.
I am happy to say that I was accepted into a terrific bariatric surgery program! I went to an informational session, got a referral from my primary care physician and am on the road to weight loss surgery. I have read all the literature, filled out the paperwork and am preparing for my first appointment on December 30th. On that day I will meet with a social worker. This person will make sure that this is something I can handle mentally and emotionally. They will also make sure that this is a lifestyle change that I am really ready to make. The next appointment I have will be with the center's nutritionist. She will teach me all about the new diet I will have to follow post-op and ensure that I am well educated in all things food so that I can be successful. Finally I will have a consultation with the surgeon and set the date for my surgery. This whole process will take months and in the meantime I am required to lose 10% of my weight on my own to prove my dedication to the program.
So there it is, big decision #1. I've already made big decision #2, you are reading it. This is a hard thing to share with the world. Being overweight you learn to hide so coming here to share all of this is huge. Almost as huge as I am right now (OK, that's fat girl humor.....).