Thankful

As most of you know, things here are pretty tough right now. We are beyond broke, I've gained weight, etc. With all of that there are many many things I am thankful for and I want to focus on the positive.

I am thankful my kids don't feel the effects of our economic state. Aside from saying no to Dunkin Donuts and eating out they really don't know the difference.

I am thankful to weigh a lot less now than I did a year ago.

I am thankful that I won't hate the way I look in photos at Xmas this year.

I am thankful that this year I don't have to worry about having a reliable vehicle.

I am thankful for some great friendships that have formed this year.

I am thankful that I have two little boys who "love me to the moon and back" and request to cuddle on a daily basis.

I am thankful that starting my own photo. business was successful and I made enough money to buy some presents for my boys for Xmas.

I am thankful for the support of people who read this blog.

There are many more things I am thankful for but that's what pops up right away in my mind. We may be poor in terms of money but we are rich in so many other ways that are much more important.

A Delicate Balance

My un-fill has felt heavenly. Problem? Too heavenly. I've been able to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I want. Last night? I ate a fast food burger on a bun....I hadn't had one since June. It tasted sooooooo good. But was it the right choice? Of course not. I suppose it would have been OK had I not spent the day eating everything that wasn't nailed down and didn't follow it sampling every one of the desserts on a sweets tray gift from a friend.

So this morning I have eaters remorse and the scale definitely showed me who's boss. It's not so much the number that's bothering me but the fact that I feel fat. I feel like I've gained as much as the scale says. My pants are tight, my spare tire is sticking out, yuck. I feel like I did at 306, yucky.

I had no idea .5 cc's would do so much. Thankfully I have an appt. to go back and see her in a week and a half. I def. think I'll need to put a little of that back in. It's such a delicate balance when .5 cc's makes the difference between getting stuck EVERY day and being able to eat anything. Wow.

I'm trying not to let the scale determine how I feel about myself but yes, I am disappointed in where I am. THis is definitely not where I wanted to be at Christmas. My goal for Christmas was the 220's and I am FAR from that right now. But then, my goal for the Fall was definitely not to be hit with a major depression and not to be struggling so hard with finances so I guess even the best laid plans and goals don't always work. As a control freak/perfectionist it's hard for me to admit defeat but hey, it happens to the best of us.

So, where to go from here? Back to the gym for me! Starting Monday (their weekend hours are nearly non existent) I will set the alarm and go early in the morning and start my day on the right foot. I haven't decided how many days a week yet but will sit down with the calendar and come up with a plan. Next week I also start a new babysitting job Tuesdays and Fridays, hooray for income! I feel like things are starting to come around, like everything is falling into place where it was once up in the air.

I've learned a lot about myself this Fall. I've learned that sometimes you have no choice but to let go of the control and let what will be, be. It stinks that my weight loss journey was affected by the lesson in a negative way but I think that in the long run it will be helpful. I enter this Winter a much different person than last and am looking forward to starting another New Year with my new skills, weight, me.

Oh Thank God

I can eat again!! I did not get stuck once yesterday. No pain, no PB, no sliming. It was heaven! I ate more than I should have b/c, well simply, I COULD! LOL. I hope to get that under control again but it felt soooooo good to eat and not hurt and not get sick. Wow.

In other news it's a snowy day here!! Big guy was scheduled to have the day off anyway but the snow is a nice bonus. I'm hoping we'll get to go out and play in it before it starts turning to rain, blech. The plans for today are snow play, cocoa, a movie, and painting our handmade ornaments for the tree. I'm sure we'll be done everything and bored by noon but we'll wing it ;)

The depression is much, much better. I had a sneaking suspicion the Prozac was making it worse and decided to try stopping it and what a difference. Wow. I'm snappy right now but hope that's just a withdrawal side effect and will pass.

Things here financially are pretty tough. We've had some issues with S' student loans and can no longer put them in forebearance and are being forced to pay on them each month for the next 9 months. I cannot begin to describe what a hardship this is for us. We were barely (and most of the time not) making ends meet and to be out an extra $250 a month pushes us way into poverty. The photo. business has slowed down now that Xmas is getting so close and the weather is changing. I've picked up a babysitting job a few days a week and decided yesterday to cash out my teeny tiny 401K. I figured there wasn't much there but it would keep us out of the food pantry for a few months. I've thought about full time work but the cost of child care doesn't really make it make sense.

For now we're making the most of what we have. Thankfully I socked away all the income from photo shoots and was able to buy the boys each 7 presents for Xmas. We cut down a tree behind S' parents house and while it's a little funky and non traditional it was fun and free. I've been using the ingredients I have around the house to do holiday craft projects with the boys including salt dough ornaments and glittery pine cones. I don't want the boys to know how bad off we are so I try to keep things as normal as possible. It's hard though, hard to say no to them when they ask for things. I know it's not a big deal but it's still hard.

UN-fill

I've gained weight. More than I care to talk about but it's significant. Many people would think I needed a fill but I thought long and hard about it, emailed my nurse and today went in for my first unfill. I was eating "slider" foods because I knew they would go down without pain. Anytime I ate anything of substance I got stuck. Meat, crackers, potatoes. OUCH. It happened so often that the kids got used to mommy running to the bathroom and would say "Aw, poor mommy". My 5 year old starting saying he was sorry I got stuck. When your 5 year old starts using band lingo you know you are in trouble. I was worried. Every time I get stuck it results in a PB or worse. I cannot handle the pain/feeling and get sick every time. I worry about what I did to my band and stomach. I've known for a while I need an unfill but didn't want to face the scale at the Bariatric center knowing I had gained. So I emailed the nurse and told her my concerns and she agreed I needed an unfill and said not to worry about the gain and that sometimes life gets the best of us. It was the perfect thing to say and I immediately called and made an appt. I got in first thing this AM and Holly (nurse) didn't even make me weigh in. THANK YOU!! She knew I was stressing about it and let it go. So nice. So she took out .5 cc's of my 5.25 and I am already hopeful. SInce my last fill breakfast has been impossible and I've been too tight to eat anything until at least noon. I came home from the unfill hungry and a little nauseous so I sat down with a few saltines and they went down, no problem. Phew, I feel so much better. I am hopeful that I now that I will be able to eat the right foods again I will get back on the losing side of things.