Saturday Secrets

Each Saturday I will try to reveal a secret. It will be something I am embarrassed to share but know it will help me in the long run.

Today's secret; I am a liar.

I lie about food consumption. Sometimes that means I hide goodies and eat them when no one is around and sometimes that means I outright lie.

Example:
Someone will ask: "Hey what happened to that gallon of ice cream that was in the freezer?"
Me: "I, uh, was eating it out of the container and then one of the kids needed something so I set it down and the dog ate it. Can you believe that dog?"

Wow, am I that desperate? Really? I guess I am afraid that someone is going to judge me and make a remark I don't want to hear. Chances are good that I am already angry with myself for eating all of the ice cream and having no self control and I am embarrassed about it so I don't want anyone to know.

The hiding food thing isn't quite as bad as it sounds. I hide a treat when I buy it b/c if I don't then everyone else eats it and I get little to none. I have vowed not to buy anything I would want to hide though and if I do buy it I will not hide it. I will be better off if everyone else eats it. I don't need it!

So those are my Saturday secrets. What are yours?

Where were you?

Where were you all today when I hit the drive through at Wendy's?? Ugh. I had good intentions, maybe a baked potato or salad......good intentions count for something right??

First, let me say that we didn't have power due to an ice storm and I had to get up and bring my kids to a friend's house, take a 20 second shower, get dressed and get to Sesame Street Live because the show must go on!! On the way home I knew I'd need to pick up lunch b/c no power makes lunch time difficult. Here's my problem; why doesn't Subway have drive through? No, really. Why not? I had the kids in the car and little guy was sleeping so it had to be drive through. So Wendy's it was. I did not get a salad or potato. I got a #6. I did get a small size and a diet instead of regular coke but that's not the point huh?

Lunch was good. The fries weren't great so I didn't eat them all but more than I should have.

Here's the divine intervention part. I now feel like crap. Emotionally and physically. I am beating myself up for doing it and my body is pissed. I had been eating well for several days and this fried spicy chicken intruder was not welcome. I have heartburn, nausea and a headache. We'll call that lesson learned.

Thank you!

The outpouring of support via comments and email has been amazing! Thank you all for being so supportive of this journey. I knew I'd have some people in my corner but I am amazed at how many. It's really touching.

A few have commented on my bravery in blogging about such a personal journey. I thought I'd write a little about that. I emailed a friend the other night and was talking about the surgery. She emailed back and asked if I was going to blog about it. My gut reaction, was heck no. I had wanted to keep this as quiet as possible and only tell a select few I was having the procedure. Then this nagging little voice in my head (no I don't really hear voices....yes I do....no I don't) said that I should definitely blog about this. So I set up the blog and then made some choices. I made it public, searchable and I emailed the link to many of my friends. As soon as I hit send on the email my stomach churned. Did I really just tell you all I weigh 306 pounds? Really? Heck my drivers license still says 230. Every time I checked my email and saw a message from someone with the subject re:blog my heart skipped a beat. What would they say? Would they be horrified? You all proved me wrong, nothing but positive messages flowed my way.

Throughout the day the guilt set in. I had sent the link to friends, not family. I was worried about sharing this with my mother and sister. My mom, well, I didn't want her to feel like it was her fault. I know mommy guilt and I didn't want that for her. Why not my sister you ask? Well she's a stick thin petite little thing who seems to never struggle with weight. I also feel like that little sister who can never do anything right when it comes to her. So last night I bit the bullet and sent them an email. I am happy to report that they are both supportive and my sister even said I was a good writer. Woohoo.

I am very happy with my choice to share this with you all. Not only because of all of the positive messages and support but because it was what I needed to do. I needed to come clean and put it out there. Now I have no where to hide and that, my friends, is a good thing. So if you see me at the local grocery store picking up a whoopie pie call me out on it. I need all the help I can get.

It's no one's fault

That's the truth. Certainly mistakes have been made in regards to my weight but in reality it is no one's fault.

When I went to the informational seminar about the lap band surgery one of the points they stressed repeatedly is that obesity is a disease. It's not that I eat so much more than you, or eat total and complete junk all the time, it's that my body handles food differently than yours does. My body likes to hang on to fat and my metabolism is SLOW. So as we speak my body is working against me. Isn't that just dandy?

So, the surgery will hopefully shock my body into a change and then allow me to make changes in my diet so that my body has no choice but to let go of the fat. LET IT GO! The major thing this surgery will provide for me is feeling full. Currently I only feel full if I eat a lot! So I live with hunger pains a lot and it's those hunger pains that can sabotage a diet quickly.

Now the other thing I will have to deal with are all the emotional factors associated with food. Therapy really helped me deal with some of my food issues and I find myself turning to food less when I am upset than I used to. In the past if the car broke down I'd drown my sorrows in a box of devil dogs. Now though I find myself dealing with things differently. Just the other day my car would not start, did I eat? Nope, I bundled up the kids and we walked to where we needed to go. Bye bye devil dogs....you hold no power over me! It feels good to see the shift in my mind set and reminds me that I can do this. It won't be easy but I can do this.

Note to self: eat to live don't live to eat

The naked truth

Morbidly obese? When the hell did that happen?

I have been overweight my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I can remember going to the pediatrician when I was around 8 years old and listening to the doctor tell my father that I was overweight. "Control her eating" he said "help her make better choices" was his advice. Thanks a lot doc. To my dad better choices meant adding ketchup to your fried kielbasa and waiting until 9 for cookies. He was not the right person to tell this to. No one "controlled" my eating, no one helped me make better choices. I was alone. I remember being very sad about what the doctor had said. Food was my friend, how could I give that up? I didn't, and here I sit today at my heaviest weight of 306 pounds.

There have been ups and downs on the scale front. I've dieted a LOT. In fact most of my life has revolved around diets. I've exercised too, even if it's not my favorite thing. I've been successful and lost 30-40 pounds at a time! I plateau, I get discouraged, a gain a little back and before I know it I've gained it all back and then some....and then some more.

I have now come to a point in my life where I am ready. Ready to make some big decisions, ready to change, and ready to live my life. Big decision number 1: I am going to have weight loss surgery, lap band to be specific. Now I know some of you out there are against this for many reasons and believe me, I think I have heard them all. Here's the thing.....I've tried, for over 22 years, and I've failed. I need help. It is not easy for me to ask for help and so I ask; if you cannot be supportive of this decision that I have made please be gentle in the words you use. This is not a decision I made one morning after watching the numbers pop up on the scale, nor one I made in the middle of the night while eating a twinkie. This decision has taken years. Years of researching, soul searching, doctor visits, and giving it my all to do this on my own.

I am happy to say that I was accepted into a terrific bariatric surgery program! I went to an informational session, got a referral from my primary care physician and am on the road to weight loss surgery. I have read all the literature, filled out the paperwork and am preparing for my first appointment on December 30th. On that day I will meet with a social worker. This person will make sure that this is something I can handle mentally and emotionally. They will also make sure that this is a lifestyle change that I am really ready to make. The next appointment I have will be with the center's nutritionist. She will teach me all about the new diet I will have to follow post-op and ensure that I am well educated in all things food so that I can be successful. Finally I will have a consultation with the surgeon and set the date for my surgery. This whole process will take months and in the meantime I am required to lose 10% of my weight on my own to prove my dedication to the program.

So there it is, big decision #1. I've already made big decision #2, you are reading it. This is a hard thing to share with the world. Being overweight you learn to hide so coming here to share all of this is huge. Almost as huge as I am right now (OK, that's fat girl humor.....).