Confession

Ugh, I did it. I went to the store and bought chocolate! Sigh. I went to get some stuff for the house and picked up a bag of Dove Chocolates that I HAD to have. I cracked the bag open on the way home and ate a few and then hid it in my purse. The guilt ate away at me though and as soon as I got in the house I handed them over to S and told her to do away with them. Phew, that was a close one.

I've been having a hard time with food lately. The holidays, Grandma's passing, being off my schedule with big guy on school break, etc. etc. etc. All excuses, and poor ones at that. I know part of the problem was that I got weighed when I went to my appt. and my next appt. is the 15th. I have until then to lose more weight and in my mind that meant I could take a little break. I know, I know, not the right thing to do. It's just sooooo hard. Even the social worker was talking about how hard it is to be hungry ALL the time.

So I turned over the chocolates and I am planning a re commitment to the healthy eating plan tomorrow. I should probably hit the grocery store and stock up on some good for me food too. I am also hoping to get my exercise bike up from storage and get moving on that. I am sure that will help a lot.

I know about the typo

OK, so I know appointment is not spelled correctly in my last post but it won't let me edit it!! Ugh!

My First Apponitment

Today I met with the social worker at the bariatric surgery center. She reviewed my relationship with food form and determined that I don't have an eating disorder but most likely do have a metabolic disorder. That is fantastic news! This means that I'm not crazy, I really can't lose the weight on my own. I had to answer a lot of questions and was totally honest. It was nice to know that she thinks I am as ready for the surgery as I do. Yay!!! Meeting with her was great, she was very friendly and warm and made the experience very positive. As I checked out I got to make my next appointment. On January 15th I will meet with the dietitian. This is all moving along so quickly, hooray!!!

Grandma

My Saturday secret is not about my weight.

My secret is that I am embarrassed by how little I knew my Grandmother who passed away today. I remember spending a good deal of time at her house when I was a young child but, as a child, I didn't really get to "know" her. We moved away from where she lived at an age where I believe I would have gotten to know her and once we moved back I just never made the effort. I was scared because I didn't feel comfortable around her anymore b/c of the years we had spent apart. My cousins had all lived close by and were very comfortable with her and always visiting her. I felt left out and didn't know how to fix it. Mostly I didn't have enough confidence in myself and didn't feel like I would have anything to say that Grandma, or anyone, would care about.

So today my Grandmother passed away. I am sad, not because she is gone, she lived a long life. I am sad because I couldn't get over my lack of confidence in time to get to know a great person.

I love you Grandma and hope you know that. Please forgive me for not being more present in your life. I thought of you often and have to hope that that counts for something somewhere. Rest in peace.