Saturday, December 20, 2008

Saturday Secret

I'm scared.

I have been fat my whole life. That means that all I know is how to live life as a fat person. It scares me that that will change. I want it to change but don't know what that means. Can you imagine something that you've been your entire life changing?? It's scary.

I'm also scared because I have hopes and dreams of what my life will be like when I am thinner and what if those things don't happen?

Another thing I am afraid of is failure. I have tried to do this for 22 years. What if it doesn't work? What if I can't do it? This is my last shot at this, medical intervention is huge and if I fail at it?? What then?

Then there is the surgery itself. I have had several surgeries; a broken arm when I was 2, foot surgery after college, 2 c-sections and a gall bladder removal. All of them went well and I healed nicely. At some point aren't the odds stacked against me? I've had no problems with 5 surgeries, will number 6 be the one that is bad?

So yes, I am scared.

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