Thursday, September 23, 2010

Fill 'Er Up

I got my fill on Tuesday. It took two sticks which isn't the worst I've ever had it so I'll take it. She put in 2 CC's and brought me up to 5.2.

We talked about how I had gotten off track and how I was ready to get back on track. She asked about food; whether I was getting stuck a lot, hungry a lot, etc. I told her I could eat just about anything including all the taboo foods such as bread, pasta and rice. She was shocked. So yea, I got 2 CC's which is the max they will give you at one time. I go back in one month to weigh in and see if I need more.

The scale.....sigh. It was bad. I don't think I need to say more than that. I'm moving on.......

I did liquids and mushies for Tuesday and most of yesterday. I did give in and eat real food at dinner and I didn't have any trouble. I didn't get stuck and quite frankly I didn't feel really full either even after eating a large portion. Sigh again. Looks like I will need to get stuck again next month. Boo.

I'm not really keeping track of the scale and weight thing here at home so I'll let you know next month how the weight thing is going. Deal? Thanks.

Monday, September 20, 2010


I've spent the last few days making a shift in my mind. It's been tough and trust me, not easy. I've done a little bit of the last meal syndrome, as well, as the fill gets closer. I've definitely eaten a few things I should have passed on b/c I know post-fill they will be a no-go again. All in all though I think I am ready for the fill and the post-fill changes I need to make.

Last night Sadie and I took the boys to the playground and I brought a tennis racket and balls. As a kid I grew up across from a high school and spent many an hour hitting tennis balls off the brick walls. Last night I did the same thing and it felt great. I got a great workout and left very sweaty and tired. Big Guy tried to join in and did really well for his first time with a tennis racket. Hopefully he'll continue to practice and love it as much as I do.

That's all for now. Still nervous as heck about tomorrow but still going to go.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Which Way Is Up?

Can anyone please answer me that? I've lost my way, big time. It's been a YEAR since I focused, truly focused, on my weight. There are so many reasons why, some are excuses and some are genuine reasons.

I was depressed, am depressed. Some days are better than others, some months better than others. I like the meds (Effexor) I am on now but hate that I NEED them. Does that make sense? Sometimes the depression is a true sad feeling and other times it's just this lack of enjoyment and motivation. I can literally spend the entire day on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights reruns and eating crap. One of the hardest things for me about depression is that I don't talk to my friends/family about it. I feel like they're over it, expect me to be better by now and don't want to hear about it. Blah.

There are two other things standing in my way of really focusing on me. Big guy and Little guy. Not only do I spend so much time and energy on them because they are busy guys in preschool and First grade but, I put them before me. I use my energy to make sure I do everything I can for them and leave little to nothing left for me. I also put them first with food. It's no secret to most of you we are poor. Food is expensive and despite what a lot of people say to the contrary healthy food is more expensive. I tend to buy the stuff the kids like and I know they will eat; pastas, rice, mac and cheese, etc. I make sure they get healthy foods too but here's the tough part. If you can only afford so much healthy food there isn't a lot to go around. That means, for me anyway, that the kids get it and I don't. I end up grazing and snacking on whatever I can find and it's very rarely the healthy stuff.

Sigh......I know I need to take care of me and who will take care of them if I am not here? I get it but putting it into practice is entirely different. I don't even know how I did it before, how I managed to focus on my health and eating healthy for a year and lose all that weight. How did I do it?

In order for me to be successful in weight loss again I know at least two things. 1) I need a fill.
2) I need to make and keep regular appts. for weigh in's so I can keep it real.

So I called the center and made an appt. to meet with the nurse and get a fill and I will make follow up appointments while I am there. I know she will help me get back on track.

It's going to be hard and it's an even harder pill to swallow b/c I'm starting over, again. My biggest fear going into lap band surgery was that it wouldn't work for me and where would that leave me. Well ladies and gentlemen, it leaves me here. Almost back to my highest weight and more depressed than I was pre-surgery. I had put all my hope into this surgery and over this year my hopes have been dashed. Is it the band's fault? Hell no. I know I didn't do my part. I guess I didn't realize how hard my part would be. I still struggle with food and hunger just as much as I did pre-band. I have this tiny glimmer of hope that someday I will find the "sweet spot" in my band and I won't struggle as much but it really is a tiny tiny glimmer........

I've learned a lot this year. I've learned who's on my side and who is not. I've learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I've learned that there are no miracle cures and quick fixes. I've learned that there's a lot more to me than my weight. I've learned that the people who love me will love me no matter what the scale says. I've learned that I need to love myself more.

So I'm back people. I get my fill Tuesday and I am TERRIFIED. I am worried she'll have a hard time accessing the port b/c of the weight gain, I'm worried I'll have to weigh in and she'll be disappointed, I'm worried I'll be too tight or not tight enough. Until then I am working on things mentally so I can recommit to this process. Wish me luck.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I had someone say something to me the other day and it made me cry. They said "you were my inspiration". Now, it wasn't you were my inspiration and that's how I did this it was you WERE my inspiration as in used to be, you know, before you failed at this weight loss, lap band thing. Sigh. It hurt, I hurt. I have plenty of guilt and anger towards myself for failing. I am not happy where I am. I am not happy with the weight I've regained. I know a lot of people were rooting for me and I let them down but that hurt.

Friday, June 18, 2010

A Wrench in the Works

So, here I am. Barely. The Zoloft was great for a bit and then things started going downhill again. Basically I have not felt well since last Fall and it's starting to wear on me. I'm being tested for lots of medical issues but so far nothing. Here are my symptoms:

1) Exhaustion (not just tired....we're talking nap every few hours and still want more EXHAUSTED)
2) hot flashes
3) almost passed out twice
4) headaches
5) feeling foggy or fuzzy ALL the time. It's like that feeling when you are just starting to get drunk and everything slows down a little. It's horrible.
6) nipple discharge ( I have NEVER had this before and it's lasted over a month)

That's most of it. I am really just tired all the time. I have no energy. None. I can't even think about exercise because quite frankly getting out of bed and showering usually results in napping. I have nothing left to give.

The tests I've had:

1) prolactin level: normal
2) TSH level: normal
3) blood count: normal except that my red cells were small and pale
4) Vitamin D level: waiting for result
5) B12 level: waiting for result

We've switched my antidepressant and while it is working for the depression everything else remains the same. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol slightly elevated.......hmmm.....can't think of what else.

I'm starting to feel like I am crazy and it's all in my head but I know it's not. I am also starting to feel like I may never get an answer or get better.

So that's why I've been away.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A Happy and Healthy Family Weekend

Now that the weather is starting to be better we've been spending a lot more time outside as a family. This weekend was on the chilly side (30's and 40's) but we still managed to get out there and have fun.

Saturday I got to go out with a friend and do some shopping. Window shopping only for me, but it was really nice to get out. I needed a little time for me and I felt all the better for it. We went to Friendly's for lunch and I had a chicken wrap and was so full after I couldn't eat my fries. I think I had 3 in total. Nice. Once I got home the family and I headed to one of our favorite local parks for a hike. We explored a new trail and had so much fun! We hiked for almost 2 hours and did lots of exploring and climbing. At the end we stopped to watch the river flowing over the damn and found some amazing icicle formations. Alas, I did not have my camera. Boo.

Sunday we went to my in laws. On the way we stopped at a friend's horse barn to play with the horses and feed them carrots. It's always a good time. There was one young horse loose in the yard that followed us all around as we visited, too cute. The boys are so good with the horses. Big Guy has no fear and pets and feeds them, love it! Little Guy is still a little skittish and refuses to try feeding them for now. He did really well with the one following us around though. We're getting there. Once at the Grandparents we played a rousing game of baseball as a family. Big Guy is baseball obsessed lately and likes us all to get in the game. It always turns into a giggle fest and we get a lot of exercise running around. We also went on a hike on a trail behind their house. We had to bring wood to build a bridge over a brook but we did it! Hooray for being adventurous!

On the way home from the in laws I couldn't get my mind off the icicle pictures that could have been so we stopped by the house and I grabbed my camera. Off to the park we went! Little Guy was sleepy from the car ride and opted to ride in the stroller but Big Guy was AMAZING. He wanted in on all of the action. I was feeling adventurous myself so we scaled down some steep river banks to get better photos and had so much fun in the process. When we were done I was trying to lead him to a spot that was an easier climb back up but the little mountain goat that he is climbed straight up the vertical bank that was at least 8 feet tall. He never even lost his footing. Crazy. So, not wanting to be outdone by a 5 year old I followed and made it. I love that he pushes me to try things I wouldn't normally.

Lots and lots of exercise for all of this weekend and it felt good. Also lots of "real" moments as a family which are what I live for.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Have you seen that commercial? know, the one about depression where it talks about how it affects you physically and mentally and affects EVERYTHING in your life. Yea, that one. That's been me for many, many months. I tried the Prozac and got worse! I was more depressed; bad, bad, bad. Then I went off the Prozac; still depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to sleep all the time and sometimes I did. I was not a good mom, wife, me. I started to think that my friends and family would be better off without me. Bad. How did I get through my days? I ate. I ate every comfort food known to man and it made me feel better but guilty. I felt better because food offers me comfort, it always has. Guilty because I knew I was not doing the right thing. I had come so far in my weight loss journey and now was throwing it all out the window. Then the guilt went away because I didn't care. I knew what I was doing to myself and I didn't care. So what if I gained weight back? So what if it meant I was shaving years off my life? I didn't care. Did I mention things were bad?

Through all of this there were two things that got me out of bed every day and kept me from following through on dark thoughts. Big Guy and Little Guy. They are my world, my everything. I literally took every breath for them. They deserve a good mom and they deserve a good childhood and I knew I was messing that up. Coming from a not so great childhood I have vowed to be better, be more for them and I was failing but fighting.

I'm not sure many people realized how bad things were. If there's one thing I am good at, it's putting on a happy face. I'm a good actress. I think friends knew I was depressed but not how badly. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about the things I was thinking. I was desperately afraid someone would find out and I'd end up in a psych ward for a few days. Sometimes I longed for that to happen but couldn't bear the thought of being away from my boys.

Then, on top of the depression my anxiety disorder reared it's ugly head again. I worried about everything, all the time. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it. I couldn't sleep at night and would stay up stressing out about everything. Most night I slept little more than 2 hours. And, while I was up at night, I ate. My anxiety disorder sucks. I worry about everything and sometimes visualize a situation going horribly wrong. One day I had a friend I hadn't seen in years come over to my house. It was great to see her again and have company. At one point she laid her little boy on the floor to change his diaper and I had to step over him to get to the kitchen. In my head I could see myself miscalculating and stepping on his head. I could hear the scream and see the indentation in his skull. It sucks, it gives me panic attacks, it prevents me from doing things.

So about a month ago I had to meet my new PCP. My long time physician and friend left her practice and I was forced to find someone new. I was nervous. I met my her and loved her! Yay! I told her the anxiety was back and I had to fill out some questionnaires about how I was feeling and then she gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I used to take Zoloft and I loved it. I was hopeful. I don't know how to explain what it's like to feel your life coming back to you in bits and pieces. I found myself wanting to take the kids to the library, wanting to go outside with them to play, wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I am in no way 100% better yet. I know that. I think it will take a long time to be 100%. For now I am happy with my progress. I am happy that I was able to ask for help. I am happy that I can't even fathom thinking about not being around.

So on the weight front things are bad. I've failed. I have not worked my band, I have not followed the rules, I have gained a lot of weight back. Part of me is embarrassed and ashamed and part of me says tough sh*t. I did not take my life, I did not leave two little boys without a mom, I stared depression in the face and I fought back.

I know I need to get back to healthier habits and I am slowly. There are still times I find comfort in food and for now I am OK with that. This is one hell of a journey.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Vampire Diet

No, no, I'm not drinking blood. I do, however, have vampires to thank for my weight loss this week. Let me explain. Last Thursday I started in with a renewed effort after getting on the scale and seeing a number I swore I never would again. I did OK TH and FRI and the weekend, as I remember it, was "eh". Then I started reading the Twilight saga. I had put it off a long time, it was not my kind of book. I finally gave in and figured I could at least "try" it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Monday I read Twilight, Tuesday was New Moon, Wednesday Eclipse came and went and Thursday I polished off Breaking Dawn. Wow. Addictive, addictive, addictive. My house is a mess from neglect and very little else got accomplished. I lost myself in the vampire coven and I also lost 7 pounds. How about that? Talk about transfer addiction huh? So yea.......maybe I need to find some more addictive reads out there b/c I'd rather be addicted to reading than eating.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Here We Go Again.....Food Journal

Breakfast: Slim Fast high protein shake
Snack: NONE
Lunch: 2oz tuna w/dab of mayo and chopped onion (got slightly stuck and stopped)
2nd Lunch: 3/4 C Greek Yogurt with sugar substitute and Black Cherry preserves (YUM!)
Snack: entire sleeve of Ritz wheat crackers. Really, the entire sleeve, wth?
Dinner: 4oz steak, 1/2 C roasted potatoes, 1/2 C butternut squash and 1/4 cup sauted brussels.
Snack:popcorn, 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

So I am adding crackers to my list of trigger foods. I obviously can't be trusted with them and they make me want other foods, like toppings. Mmm....peanut butter and jelly, cheese, etc. So, bye bye crackers.

After visiting Sparkpeople I think it comes out to around 1400 calories. Without the damn crackers it would have been much better. I did get 88 grams of protein though, that was good! All this food talk is making me hungry! Time to shower and figure out breakfast. I'm thinking Greek Yogurt but I have to wait until DP leaves. She's having her wisdom teeth out this AM and can't eat. I don't want to be cruel.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Not Sure I'll Ever Understand My Band

For weeks now I've been able to eat anything, very rarely getting stuck and if I did get stuck it was very mild and passed quickly. I could eat cake, bagels, pasta, rice, etc. Today I'm trying with every ounce of my being not to eat my way through the day. I had a slimfast this AM and just sat down with a plate of 6oz of tuna w/a little mayo and chopped onion and 1/3 through I got a little stuck. I stopped and it's passed but wow. Do you think your band tightens up if you follow the rules more? Does that make any sense? Whatever it is I am thankful for it. Now that the stuck feeling has passed I feel mildy full as well. I think I'll save the rest for later. I really want to eat more so I can taste more but that's not the right reason to eat and it's the behavior I most need to reel in. Baby steps....put the tuna away.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Gain

Amy made a comment in my last post that it would be helpful to know what caused the gain. I decided she's right even if a majority of it is just bad choices. What else caused the gain? Well it started out with being too tight. I let it go FAR too long and gained 10 pounds eating slider foods and not getting protein. I finally admitted what was going on (for a long time I thought it was just me not following the plan). I went in and had .5 cc's removed and now I am all loosey goosey. Loosey goosey (think bread,pasta, anything I want loose) plus bad choices = GAIN. My lowest was 241.8 (and that was a fleeting moment). I would say the real maintained low was around 244. I am now at 265. It's embarrassing. I am scared to get a fill b/c I CAN NOT go back to being too tight, it was horrible and I was sick ALL the time. So I am really trying to do it on sheer willpower and the little help my band still offers. I do get full faster than pre-band and sometimes stuff does get stuck (esp. in the AM's). I think once I get back down these 20 pounds I'll think about tightening up a little. For now, baby steps. Back to the gym, I'm shooting for 3 days a week. I've been trying to get out for walks a few days a week and cutting way down on crap and snacking. So there it is.....the gain heard and seen 'round the world. Blech.

I've Been Hiding

It's hard to come here time and again and announce all of my failures to you all. So many of you are fellow lap banders and are doing amazingly well. I read the other lap band blogs and feel such a sense of failure, disappointment in myself, disgust, sadness, etc. It's really hard because I know it's all my own fault. I've not done what I was supposed to, not followed all the rules, and worse not put myself first in my life. I've re-gained, more. I hate it but just haven't been able to do anything about it. There's a list of reasons excuses and some of them carry some weight and validity and some don't. All I can say is that life has been crazy, thrown a lot my way and in it I lost me! I caught a glimpse of me the other day hanging onto a cliff by one finger and I threw myself a rope. I can't lose myself, then who would I be?

So, I waited until I had something positive to say before I blogged, some "there you go, I'm on the right track" thing. Yesterday I went to the gym. I hadn't been in a long time and I really did not want to go. I felt intimidated by it again. I had every reason not to go yesterday. Little Guy has been sick, we're trying to figure out the cause of a chronic cough and he's miserable. He woke at 4:30 yesterday coughing and gagging. At 6 when I went to leave him with DP to go to the gym he was pathetic "don't go mommy" "need you mommy" " me don't feel too good mommy" "me want to cuddle with you" and on and on. Looking at his face it would have been the easiest thing to scrap the gym plans and cuddle up on the couch and watch Clifford. however, I didn't. I knew he'd be fine with DP and I left. It hurt, a lot but it was what I had to do.....for me. After the gym I worked REALLY hard at making good food choices and I did all day until I went out to dinner with a friend. At least I didn't eat crap all day AND go out to dinner, right? Right? :) Anyway, scale was down 2 pounds from the highest I've seen post op so now I've got to keep it going.

Friday, January 1, 2010

So Much to Catch Up On

The past few weeks brought illness after illness to my entire family. We were subjected to pink eye, ear infections, nasty colds, sinus wasn't pretty. The boys felt better for Xmas (not 100%,but better) and DP and I put on a happy face and the show went on! We're all feeling better now except for the lingering runny nose and associated coughing. Blech. 2010 IS going to be a healthier year for my family and I'm not even talking about food and weight, just illness. We had such a horrible year with illness I am glad it's over.

Xmas was great! Big Guy got up at 3 and wanted to do presents, I sent him back to bed. At 3:50 he tried again and every 5-10 minutes after that until I gave in just before 5. He and Little Guy had a lot of fun and got incredibly spoiled between Santa and the Grandparents. I was excited to get a Tom Tom, some gorgeous earrings (wink wink) from my boys, new bras and undies (woot!), and various other gifts that were just right. There weren't many things that I didn't like and it feels so good to have some nice new things.

On the weight front I held steady through Xmas. Last weigh in here was 260 I believe and that is where I sit today. I bounced up a few and took it right off again and yesterday the scale was 259.8. In a way I'd love to be able to report I was a lot lower and getting back down to my low but really I am very very happy to have at least held steady through a crazy food holiday. I keep wanting to lose weight to please everyone around me who keeps asking if I've lost more, and wanting to lose weight so if I have to go to the doc. they'll be happy with the scale but I'm really comfortable with where I am right now and I know that's what the issue is. 260 is a bit much, I LOVED 242. I want to get back there and will now that all this craziness is over but I don't have any huge motivation to lose more than that right now.

Something else I've wanted to talk about are two products (and related smells) that I've recently started using (again). I went out the other day to buy a new face wash and came home with a Noxema Daily Scrub. I love, love, love the fresh Noxema smell and it reminds me so much of my childhood. My mom used to slather our sunburned backs with Noxema. I also started wearing, hold on to your seats, Love's Baby Soft body spray. I used to wear it as a teen and I found it the other day and fell in love all over again. I love baby powder and Love's is baby powder and a freshly washed and lotioned baby rolled all into one. HEAVEN.

SO those are the random thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. From illness to Noxema you get to hear it all.....aren't you glad you read this life changing blog? (eye roll)