Saturday, November 14, 2009

Random Thoughts

Random thought #1:
The past week has gone really well food and exercise wise. I have dropped 7 of the extra 10 pounds, so 3 to go back to my low! And then, the 230's! I was sitting here trying to think about what the difference was, what clicked and made me eat less/better when I realized it wasn't so much that something clicked but that I started to care again. Woohoo Prozac. I still feel kind of in a fog and everything still feels gray but gray is better than black, right? I now realize that those months when I couldn't get my head in the game and was eating whatever I wanted it was because I just didn't care, it wasn't important to me anymore which really means I wasn't important to me anymore. Hello depression! So, I'm glad I do care again and that the changes are making a difference. It's always my fear that I'll return to good eating behaviors and exercise and I won't lose.

Random thought #2:
It has been a year since I started this process. I don't remember the date exactly that I decided I would do this but it was around the beginning of November. I went to my program's seminar at the end of November and it all went on from there. In a year I managed to lose 65 pounds, wow. Considering 45 pounds of that was on my own, pre-banding in July, I'm pretty excited. I definitely proved to myself that I could do it and I know that my success over the past year is what keeps me saying that I know I WILL lose the weight. I feel confident about it now because I have been successful. I am also happy that over this past year I yo-yo'd a little but I always get back to my low, and lower. I could never say that before. During any other diet in my life if I regained at all chances were I would throw in the towel and give up. Not now.

Random thought #3:
Someday I will look back on this post and smile. I am glad that I write about my journey so that in the years to come I can look back and see how far I've come.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm Trying!

That darn depression monster just won't let go. Seriously, I see that little orange monster dude from the weight watchers commercial when I say that. Things are better but I don't feel back to normal if that makes sense. I've kind of been in a fog and I'm not sure if that's the depression or the meds. or both, but, blech.

I refilled my BP meds. and lost a few pounds in water weight going back on those (yay!). Now I'm just up 6 pounds from my low which is WAAAAYYYY better than the 10 or so I was. I've been eating less (and better) and walking more. It's taking huge effort on my part to do it though and not just give in to the mood and sit down with a bucket 'o cheese balls and watch TV.

Thankfully, I've been busy with work. That photo business I started a month ago has taken off a little :) This week I had 6 shoots scheduled. I've done 2, one rescheduled due to an illness and I have 3 scheduled this weekend. Not bad for someone starting out I'd say. For the most part I love it. I love taking pictures, editing pictures, organizing all my paperwork, etc. It keeps me busy and gives me a new purpose. I'm not a huge fan of the customer service aspect and some people are just plain difficult to deal with. I also don't like having to direct people in a shoot, it still feels awkward to me. Oh well, I'll get over it.

So this is me, plugging along, trying to find the sun through the clouds.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Battling the Big Bad Monster

I've suffered from depression for years. I was diagnosed in my early twenties after years of fighting it on my own. I developed generalized anxiety on top of the depression and that's what finally convinced me I needed help. Anyone with an anxiety disorder knows how debilitating it can be. For those who don't I'll give you a quick peak into what it was like. I would leave for work and get in the car. While driving to work I would worry about whether or not I locked the door to the house, repeatedly. Sometimes I would have to turn around and check. I'd worry about my dog and if she was OK while I was gone. Was she barking? Could the neighbors hear? Would they complain? Would we get in trouble with the landlord? What would we do then? Did I lock the door? Did I turn off the stove? Did I leave water for the dog? What if I get in a car accident? What if I'm late for work? And so on. My mind never stopped and it was exhausting. My doctor prescribed meds. and after a few tweaks and changes I felt a lot better.

Shortly after the birth of my first son I stopped taking my depression medication. I was on cloud 9 even though there were a lot of things in my life that were going wrong. I loved my son and there was no better feeling in the world to me than being a mom. Big Guy turned 5 this summer and I have for the most part handled my depression on my own since then. I did discover a few years ago that I suffer from PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder-think PMS times 10). I would take a Prozac like med. for two weeks a month and it helped. I often forgot to take it though, two weeks a month made it hard to get into a routine and before I knew it I stopped taking it altogether.

My depression comes in fits and storms. I know when I am feeling depressed and can usually pull myself out of it. Sometimes I feel down for a few days at a time, sometimes a little more or less but it's never anything life altering or major and most people around me don't even notice.

About a week and a half ago the big bad depression monster swallowed me whole. The pas few months have been tough. I've felt myself struggling to stay happy. After being so busy and on the go all summer the slower pace of Fall and Big Guy going to school threw me for a loop. I wasn't seeing my friends much because of different schedules, wasn't getting any time for myself, and I fell out of my exercise/diet routine. So I struggled but wasn't overly concerned and kept telling myself I'd get out of it, I just needed to find a new routine and I'd be good. It didn't happen and I hit a major depression. One day I just felt horrible. I really just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep, cry, stare at the ceiling, whatever. I wished someone would just come take my kids so I could be alone. I cried over everything, I did lay in bed some, I was miserable. I knew what had happened but could not find a way out. A few days before I had started taking my Prozac again, knowing that I was not recovering on my own, but it had not kicked in yet.

Am I better? Tough question. Better than that day? Yes. All better? No. I've been on the Prozac for over a week and not feeling a whole lot better. I'm hoping a little more time will help or else I'm going to have to go back and see my doc. for a change.

Weight wise, I suck. I've gained weight, nearly 10 pounds from my low. I comfort eat when I'm depressed and I clearly managed to do that. I feel like a failure band wise and feel like I am letting everyone down. I know, I know, everyone has problems and everyone struggles with things and I shouldn't feel like that but I do and frankly I know that doesn't help the depression. I just don't know what to do. Do I need a fill? Ugh, I dunno. I still get stuck a lot but mostly on things I probably shouldn't be eating or when I eat too fast. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I actually got full after eating a very small meal and I was hopeful. So a fill? My gut says no. Plus, I cannot imagine walking into the Bariatric center after gaining so much. UGH. I'm so overwhelmed by my failure with this I am finding it hard to find a place to start, know what I mean? I have a gym membership but have been struggling to find the time to get there without the kids b/c I can't afford to pay for them to play while I work out. I need to re-commit to walking when I don;t get to the gym so I am getting something.

Food has been especially hard lately. We are poor. I mean, paycheck to paycheck, and most times that's not enough poor. Do we pay the power bill or buy groceries? So yea, food has been hard. Shopping on a strict budget with two little ones to feed means a lot of our meals are protein less, carb filled, non weight loss surgery friendly meals.

So that's my update. It's not a happy one, it's not the one I wish I could post. I want to be successful again and I know I will be, I know it's in me I just have to crawl out of the depression monsters belly and get back to being me again.