tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76302796089309757942024-01-03T02:20:51.946-08:00Cookies, Cakes and ShakesWatch me Yo-yo as I try to gain control of my weight and health.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-90093001035789213032013-05-11T08:38:00.001-07:002013-05-11T08:38:31.106-07:00I think I can I think I can.......So it seems like I've lost my followers here but I am going to continue blogging about this because it's good for me. This blog keeps me honest and on track most of the time. After I last blogged I buckled down and started watching the food intake and I really increased my walking. I took a mini job walking a dog 3 times a week for a friend of mine who had just adopted a dog. In addition to that I've been meeting up with friends 1-3 times a week to walk. There are days when I don't want to, days when I'd rather sit and eat cupcakes but I do it. The dog walking is a commitment I HAVE to keep because it's a job and walking with friends is therapuetic. I weighed in on April 1st and was 301. Monday will be 6 weeks from when I started. This morning I weighed 292. I really hope to hit 291 Monday so I can hit the 10 pound mark but we shall see. Weekends are tough and tomorrow is Mother's Day :) Even if I stay where I am today I am happy with 9 pounds in six weeks. Slow and steady, right? Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-22274216784470955422013-03-26T10:29:00.004-07:002013-03-26T10:32:43.694-07:00Anyone still here? I've let you down......I've been gone for quite a while and I am sure you all know why. I failed. It's embarrassing to come here and tell you all that but I figure by now most of you either know or presumed that's why I dropped off.<br />
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Now, why did I fail? I stopped focusing on me. My entire life I have been a giver, care taker, selfless. I gave to everyone around me, except for me.<br />
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When I was preparing for lap band surgery I made a huge effort and put myself first. It wasn't easy and there were reasons (excuses) to use around every corner. I had young kids, a blind partner, we were poor, I was tired, whatever. For a solid year I did well putting me first and then something happened, I stopped. I can't pinpoint the day or why but I did. It happened around the time I had surgery. You see, I was working so hard at losing weight pre-surgery and it was HARD. Every single piece of food I put in my mouth I questioned and every single mile I walked hurt. I promised myself that help was on the way though. I promised myself that if I made it to surgery I would then have help. I made promises to myself that I shouldn't have because it didn't happen.<br />
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The band didn't help. It made it harder. I couldn't find the right amount of fluid in my band, gained weight right off the operating table and by then I was tired and worn down and I quit. I had hear stories of people who didn't have to work at it. They could just eat and the band stopped them from eating too much and even without exercise they dropped weight. I hoped and prayed to a God I don't believe in that I would be one of those people. I tried to follow the band rules but mentally I couldn't take another day of fighting, I just didn't have it in me. For years I tried to half heartedly follow the lap band rules but honestly it was easier not to and I didn't.<br />
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Some days I was happy just to get my butt up off the couch because the depression that ensued was so horrible. I failed myself, I failed my supporters, I failed my kids. I can't tell you what that did to my psyche. It wasn't pretty, still isn't. There were medications for the depression, horrible side effects, months lost to sleep which was the only time I didn't loathe myself. I was a bad mother, there but not present. I worked through it, on my own, in my head and slowly began to hate myself less. I'm still not the same person I was a few years ago.<br />
Before surgery I was <a href="http://cookiescakesandshakes.blogspot.com/2008/12/saturday-secret.html">scared .</a>Everyone told me not to be scared but really I was scared about what would happen if the surgery didn't work. Fast forward a few years and here I sit without a lap band, I had it removed the day before Thanksgiving this year. My fears were valid and the band was not for me. My surgeon was kind (a side I had not seen before) and said it was not my fault entirely. It seems the band is not the miracle tool it was once though to be. My surgeon's office isn't even going to be doing them anymore because the success rate is so low. <br />
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My weight is and has been right back up to where I was when I first started the lap band process. I was 306 then and I am 299 now. For a while I was closer to 310 but I lost 10 pounds last summer and have managed to keep it off. I bounce up and down a few pounds but this is where I consistently fall. I'm fat, morbidly obese and I limit my social interactions because of it. Everywhere I go I feel fat and unattractive. I hate my clothes but it's all that fits. I have social anxiety because of my weight, I've lost friends, and lost my sense of self. <br />
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I haven't been able to get back on the healthy bandwagon. It's really hard to feel like you will be successful when you were such a failure before even with medical intervention. It's this mental hurdle and I get to a point where I think I can make it over and then I jump and smash into it and fall flat on my face. I have not been able to start and stick with anything related to being healthy. I don't know how to get past this hurdle but I do know that it needs to be done. I don't have huge goals either. I really would just be happy to get back down to 250. I'm sure once I am there I will want more but really 250 means I fit in a plane seat, don't worry about breaking chairs when I sit, fit in amusement park rides and can buy clothes that aren't from Omar the tent maker.<br />
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So, that's where I've been, where I am now. Trying like hell to jump this hurdle and get going. Today I've eaten well and been out for two walks. I am trying to feel optimistic about that but feel like I could blow it at any moment. I have no confidence in my ability to this, I don't know how to change that. Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-34270497873013186692010-09-23T05:14:00.000-07:002010-09-23T05:19:01.233-07:00Fill 'Er UpI got my fill on Tuesday. It took two sticks which isn't the worst I've ever had it so I'll take it. She put in 2 CC's and brought me up to 5.2. <br /><br />We talked about how I had gotten off track and how I was ready to get back on track. She asked about food; whether I was getting stuck a lot, hungry a lot, etc. I told her I could eat just about anything including all the taboo foods such as bread, pasta and rice. She was shocked. So yea, I got 2 CC's which is the max they will give you at one time. I go back in one month to weigh in and see if I need more. <br /><br />The scale.....sigh. It was bad. I don't think I need to say more than that. I'm moving on.......<br /><br />I did liquids and mushies for Tuesday and most of yesterday. I did give in and eat real food at dinner and I didn't have any trouble. I didn't get stuck and quite frankly I didn't feel really full either even after eating a large portion. Sigh again. Looks like I will need to get stuck again next month. Boo.<br /><br />I'm not really keeping track of the scale and weight thing here at home so I'll let you know next month how the weight thing is going. Deal? Thanks.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-50784498941410973312010-09-20T05:51:00.000-07:002010-09-20T05:55:50.872-07:00ShiftI've spent the last few days making a shift in my mind. It's been tough and trust me, not easy. I've done a little bit of the last meal syndrome, as well, as the fill gets closer. I've definitely eaten a few things I should have passed on b/c I know post-fill they will be a no-go again. All in all though I think I am ready for the fill and the post-fill changes I need to make. <br /><br />Last night Sadie and I took the boys to the playground and I brought a tennis racket and balls. As a kid I grew up across from a high school and spent many an hour hitting tennis balls off the brick walls. Last night I did the same thing and it felt great. I got a great workout and left very sweaty and tired. Big Guy tried to join in and did really well for his first time with a tennis racket. Hopefully he'll continue to practice and love it as much as I do.<br /><br />That's all for now. Still nervous as heck about tomorrow but still going to go.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-5229916693272686572010-09-15T16:00:00.000-07:002010-09-15T16:55:30.496-07:00Which Way Is Up?Can anyone please answer me that? I've lost my way, big time. It's been a YEAR since I focused, truly focused, on my weight. There are so many reasons why, some are excuses and some are genuine reasons. <br /><br />I was depressed, am depressed. Some days are better than others, some months better than others. I like the meds (Effexor) I am on now but hate that I NEED them. Does that make sense? Sometimes the depression is a true sad feeling and other times it's just this lack of enjoyment and motivation. I can literally spend the entire day on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights reruns and eating crap. One of the hardest things for me about depression is that I don't talk to my friends/family about it. I feel like they're over it, expect me to be better by now and don't want to hear about it. Blah. <br /><br />There are two other things standing in my way of really focusing on me. Big guy and Little guy. Not only do I spend so much time and energy on them because they are busy guys in preschool and First grade but, I put them before me. I use my energy to make sure I do everything I can for them and leave little to nothing left for me. I also put them first with food. It's no secret to most of you we are poor. Food is expensive and despite what a lot of people say to the contrary healthy food is more expensive. I tend to buy the stuff the kids like and I know they will eat; pastas, rice, mac and cheese, etc. I make sure they get healthy foods too but here's the tough part. If you can only afford so much healthy food there isn't a lot to go around. That means, for me anyway, that the kids get it and I don't. I end up grazing and snacking on whatever I can find and it's very rarely the healthy stuff. <br /><br />Sigh......I know I need to take care of me and who will take care of them if I am not here? I get it but putting it into practice is entirely different. I don't even know how I did it before, how I managed to focus on my health and eating healthy for a year and lose all that weight. How did I do it? <br /><br />In order for me to be successful in weight loss again I know at least two things. 1) I need a fill.<br />2) I need to make and keep regular appts. for weigh in's so I can keep it real. <br /><br />So I called the center and made an appt. to meet with the nurse and get a fill and I will make follow up appointments while I am there. I know she will help me get back on track.<br /><br />It's going to be hard and it's an even harder pill to swallow b/c I'm starting over, again. My biggest fear going into lap band surgery was that it wouldn't work for me and where would that leave me. Well ladies and gentlemen, it leaves me here. Almost back to my highest weight and more depressed than I was pre-surgery. I had put all my hope into this surgery and over this year my hopes have been dashed. Is it the band's fault? Hell no. I know I didn't do my part. I guess I didn't realize how hard my part would be. I still struggle with food and hunger just as much as I did pre-band. I have this tiny glimmer of hope that someday I will find the "sweet spot" in my band and I won't struggle as much but it really is a tiny tiny glimmer........ <br /><br />I've learned a lot this year. I've learned who's on my side and who is not. I've learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I've learned that there are no miracle cures and quick fixes. I've learned that there's a lot more to me than my weight. I've learned that the people who love me will love me no matter what the scale says. I've learned that I need to love myself more. <br /><br />So I'm back people. I get my fill Tuesday and I am TERRIFIED. I am worried she'll have a hard time accessing the port b/c of the weight gain, I'm worried I'll have to weigh in and she'll be disappointed, I'm worried I'll be too tight or not tight enough. Until then I am working on things mentally so I can recommit to this process. Wish me luck.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-69132616738816057702010-08-22T03:22:00.000-07:002010-08-22T03:25:48.514-07:00TearsI had someone say something to me the other day and it made me cry. They said "you were my inspiration". Now, it wasn't you were my inspiration and that's how I did this it was you WERE my inspiration as in used to be, you know, before you failed at this weight loss, lap band thing. Sigh. It hurt, I hurt. I have plenty of guilt and anger towards myself for failing. I am not happy where I am. I am not happy with the weight I've regained. I know a lot of people were rooting for me and I let them down but that comment........it hurt.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-81891199977525692782010-06-18T17:04:00.000-07:002010-06-18T17:13:09.005-07:00A Wrench in the WorksSo, here I am. Barely. The Zoloft was great for a bit and then things started going downhill again. Basically I have not felt well since last Fall and it's starting to wear on me. I'm being tested for lots of medical issues but so far nothing. Here are my symptoms:<br /><br />1) Exhaustion (not just tired....we're talking nap every few hours and still want more EXHAUSTED)<br />2) hot flashes<br />3) almost passed out twice<br />4) headaches<br />5) feeling foggy or fuzzy ALL the time. It's like that feeling when you are just starting to get drunk and everything slows down a little. It's horrible.<br />6) nipple discharge ( I have NEVER had this before and it's lasted over a month)<br /><br /><br />That's most of it. I am really just tired all the time. I have no energy. None. I can't even think about exercise because quite frankly getting out of bed and showering usually results in napping. I have nothing left to give. <br /><br />The tests I've had:<br /><br />1) prolactin level: normal<br />2) TSH level: normal<br />3) blood count: normal except that my red cells were small and pale<br />4) Vitamin D level: waiting for result<br />5) B12 level: waiting for result<br /><br />We've switched my antidepressant and while it is working for the depression everything else remains the same. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol slightly elevated.......hmmm.....can't think of what else. <br /><br />I'm starting to feel like I am crazy and it's all in my head but I know it's not. I am also starting to feel like I may never get an answer or get better. <br /><br />So that's why I've been away.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-60128130663821618372010-03-29T06:18:00.000-07:002010-03-29T06:39:02.147-07:00A Happy and Healthy Family WeekendNow that the weather is starting to be better we've been spending a lot more time outside as a family. This weekend was on the chilly side (30's and 40's) but we still managed to get out there and have fun. <br /><br />Saturday I got to go out with a friend and do some shopping. Window shopping only for me, but it was really nice to get out. I needed a little time for me and I felt all the better for it. We went to Friendly's for lunch and I had a chicken wrap and was so full after I couldn't eat my fries. I think I had 3 in total. Nice. Once I got home the family and I headed to one of our favorite local parks for a hike. We explored a new trail and had so much fun! We hiked for almost 2 hours and did lots of exploring and climbing. At the end we stopped to watch the river flowing over the damn and found some amazing icicle formations. Alas, I did not have my camera. Boo. <br /><br />Sunday we went to my in laws. On the way we stopped at a friend's horse barn to play with the horses and feed them carrots. It's always a good time. There was one young horse loose in the yard that followed us all around as we visited, too cute. The boys are so good with the horses. Big Guy has no fear and pets and feeds them, love it! Little Guy is still a little skittish and refuses to try feeding them for now. He did really well with the one following us around though. We're getting there. Once at the Grandparents we played a rousing game of baseball as a family. Big Guy is baseball obsessed lately and likes us all to get in the game. It always turns into a giggle fest and we get a lot of exercise running around. We also went on a hike on a trail behind their house. We had to bring wood to build a bridge over a brook but we did it! Hooray for being adventurous!<br /><br />On the way home from the in laws I couldn't get my mind off the icicle pictures that could have been so we stopped by the house and I grabbed my camera. Off to the park we went! Little Guy was sleepy from the car ride and opted to ride in the stroller but Big Guy was AMAZING. He wanted in on all of the action. I was feeling adventurous myself so we scaled down some steep river banks to get better photos and had so much fun in the process. When we were done I was trying to lead him to a spot that was an easier climb back up but the little mountain goat that he is climbed straight up the vertical bank that was at least 8 feet tall. He never even lost his footing. Crazy. So, not wanting to be outdone by a 5 year old I followed and made it. I love that he pushes me to try things I wouldn't normally. <br /><br />Lots and lots of exercise for all of this weekend and it felt good. Also lots of "real" moments as a family which are what I live for. <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-UBNLlZPjdFMSX7ivNh4DCxPeC8OWetsz_1jNEU4OAfq7v4DKEdwud3XfzqFM71d8KJKHVxXjvPeaa69JRH_dPt4nc6k7sX-3K6ug_FPiaRg9z9i0nTXaLVjSJS1cI33WHZdknS8lflY/s1600/20100328_131.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-UBNLlZPjdFMSX7ivNh4DCxPeC8OWetsz_1jNEU4OAfq7v4DKEdwud3XfzqFM71d8KJKHVxXjvPeaa69JRH_dPt4nc6k7sX-3K6ug_FPiaRg9z9i0nTXaLVjSJS1cI33WHZdknS8lflY/s400/20100328_131.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454049471190569058" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjIAJjTO3nLvurRV7HTGSpuq4MRGC__SGZBdZhHGMWLEO28_ehIj9tf7j-lNt1yDSGJJPK7sTNP9uzEGxL62xX6CL7wOLJjFa0YcUoH-WYJAY5sUAhnHdVbNG7Bp5gkFbHeNvfC9DIH2Y/s1600/20100328_103.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 254px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjIAJjTO3nLvurRV7HTGSpuq4MRGC__SGZBdZhHGMWLEO28_ehIj9tf7j-lNt1yDSGJJPK7sTNP9uzEGxL62xX6CL7wOLJjFa0YcUoH-WYJAY5sUAhnHdVbNG7Bp5gkFbHeNvfC9DIH2Y/s400/20100328_103.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454049461252177650" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj947eCO1Sti5RBzDOn36RrGxAqjiNTBuNQP0fmJmZP8xWfC81wGodSnUkCoBj3QA4zd4xoO8yJJiB2SEyXmCAapDQ-duD4sxN6yhbfrxuqZNJuNg1cwj6bl8SaC7VnGUj_0EAi-o3GcEI/s1600/20100328_92.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 237px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj947eCO1Sti5RBzDOn36RrGxAqjiNTBuNQP0fmJmZP8xWfC81wGodSnUkCoBj3QA4zd4xoO8yJJiB2SEyXmCAapDQ-duD4sxN6yhbfrxuqZNJuNg1cwj6bl8SaC7VnGUj_0EAi-o3GcEI/s400/20100328_92.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454049450181663682" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoEULR6MzWeTzFLyZqwUD5AjasrlXVaRnO0IdfKMZp6Dm-hYfCQBkAiJG9qzgPOA1Azwd1a3H0LDXim09vXpUxE7lYTi5NIKckDUIcZ26h9MVM_-RjH6Mjn1v94XdHBavsZR9ToBDRSd8/s1600/20100328_34.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 306px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoEULR6MzWeTzFLyZqwUD5AjasrlXVaRnO0IdfKMZp6Dm-hYfCQBkAiJG9qzgPOA1Azwd1a3H0LDXim09vXpUxE7lYTi5NIKckDUIcZ26h9MVM_-RjH6Mjn1v94XdHBavsZR9ToBDRSd8/s400/20100328_34.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454049442899132738" /></a>Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-53896358317147796742010-03-26T05:06:00.000-07:002010-03-26T05:31:00.263-07:00Have you seen that commercial?....you know, the one about depression where it talks about how it affects you physically and mentally and affects EVERYTHING in your life. Yea, that one. That's been me for many, many months. I tried the Prozac and got worse! I was more depressed; bad, bad, bad. Then I went off the Prozac; still depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to sleep all the time and sometimes I did. I was not a good mom, wife, me. I started to think that my friends and family would be better off without me. Bad. How did I get through my days? I ate. I ate every comfort food known to man and it made me feel better but guilty. I felt better because food offers me comfort, it always has. Guilty because I knew I was not doing the right thing. I had come so far in my weight loss journey and now was throwing it all out the window. Then the guilt went away because I didn't care. I knew what I was doing to myself and I didn't care. So what if I gained weight back? So what if it meant I was shaving years off my life? I didn't care. Did I mention things were bad? <br /><br />Through all of this there were two things that got me out of bed every day and kept me from following through on dark thoughts. Big Guy and Little Guy. They are my world, my everything. I literally took every breath for them. They deserve a good mom and they deserve a good childhood and I knew I was messing that up. Coming from a not so great childhood I have vowed to be better, be more for them and I was failing but fighting. <br /><br />I'm not sure many people realized how bad things were. If there's one thing I am good at, it's putting on a happy face. I'm a good actress. I think friends knew I was depressed but not how badly. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about the things I was thinking. I was desperately afraid someone would find out and I'd end up in a psych ward for a few days. Sometimes I longed for that to happen but couldn't bear the thought of being away from my boys. <br /><br />Then, on top of the depression my anxiety disorder reared it's ugly head again. I worried about everything, all the time. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it. I couldn't sleep at night and would stay up stressing out about everything. Most night I slept little more than 2 hours. And, while I was up at night, I ate. My anxiety disorder sucks. I worry about everything and sometimes visualize a situation going horribly wrong. One day I had a friend I hadn't seen in years come over to my house. It was great to see her again and have company. At one point she laid her little boy on the floor to change his diaper and I had to step over him to get to the kitchen. In my head I could see myself miscalculating and stepping on his head. I could hear the scream and see the indentation in his skull. It sucks, it gives me panic attacks, it prevents me from doing things. <br /><br />So about a month ago I had to meet my new PCP. My long time physician and friend left her practice and I was forced to find someone new. I was nervous. I met my her and loved her! Yay! I told her the anxiety was back and I had to fill out some questionnaires about how I was feeling and then she gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I used to take Zoloft and I loved it. I was hopeful. I don't know how to explain what it's like to feel your life coming back to you in bits and pieces. I found myself wanting to take the kids to the library, wanting to go outside with them to play, wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I am in no way 100% better yet. I know that. I think it will take a long time to be 100%. For now I am happy with my progress. I am happy that I was able to ask for help. I am happy that I can't even fathom thinking about not being around. <br /><br />So on the weight front things are bad. I've failed. I have not worked my band, I have not followed the rules, I have gained a lot of weight back. Part of me is embarrassed and ashamed and part of me says tough sh*t. I did not take my life, I did not leave two little boys without a mom, I stared depression in the face and I fought back. <br /><br />I know I need to get back to healthier habits and I am slowly. There are still times I find comfort in food and for now I am OK with that. This is one hell of a journey.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-50726330174692094972010-01-29T04:47:00.000-08:002010-01-29T04:52:59.836-08:00The Vampire DietNo, no, I'm not drinking blood. I do, however, have vampires to thank for my weight loss this week. Let me explain. Last Thursday I started in with a renewed effort after getting on the scale and seeing a number I swore I never would again. I did OK TH and FRI and the weekend, as I remember it, was "eh". Then I started reading the Twilight saga. I had put it off a long time, it was not my kind of book. I finally gave in and figured I could at least "try" it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Monday I read Twilight, Tuesday was New Moon, Wednesday Eclipse came and went and Thursday I polished off Breaking Dawn. Wow. Addictive, addictive, addictive. My house is a mess from neglect and very little else got accomplished. I lost myself in the vampire coven and I also lost 7 pounds. How about that? Talk about transfer addiction huh? So yea.......maybe I need to find some more addictive reads out there b/c I'd rather be addicted to reading than eating.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-33989294474761493642010-01-22T04:17:00.000-08:002010-01-22T04:31:25.618-08:00Here We Go Again.....Food JournalBreakfast: Slim Fast high protein shake<br />Snack: NONE<br />Lunch: 2oz tuna w/dab of mayo and chopped onion (got slightly stuck and stopped)<br />2nd Lunch: 3/4 C Greek Yogurt with sugar substitute and Black Cherry preserves (YUM!)<br />Snack: entire sleeve of Ritz wheat crackers. Really, the entire sleeve, wth?<br />Dinner: 4oz steak, 1/2 C roasted potatoes, 1/2 C butternut squash and 1/4 cup sauted brussels.<br />Snack:popcorn, 100 calorie ice cream sandwich<br /><br />So I am adding crackers to my list of trigger foods. I obviously can't be trusted with them and they make me want other foods, like toppings. Mmm....peanut butter and jelly, cheese, etc. So, bye bye crackers. <br /><br />After visiting Sparkpeople I think it comes out to around 1400 calories. Without the damn crackers it would have been much better. I did get 88 grams of protein though, that was good! All this food talk is making me hungry! Time to shower and figure out breakfast. I'm thinking Greek Yogurt but I have to wait until DP leaves. She's having her wisdom teeth out this AM and can't eat. I don't want to be cruel.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-19264912207025632962010-01-21T09:26:00.000-08:002010-01-21T09:34:00.799-08:00Not Sure I'll Ever Understand My BandFor weeks now I've been able to eat anything, very rarely getting stuck and if I did get stuck it was very mild and passed quickly. I could eat cake, bagels, pasta, rice, etc. Today I'm trying with every ounce of my being not to eat my way through the day. I had a slimfast this AM and just sat down with a plate of 6oz of tuna w/a little mayo and chopped onion and 1/3 through I got a little stuck. I stopped and it's passed but wow. Do you think your band tightens up if you follow the rules more? Does that make any sense? Whatever it is I am thankful for it. Now that the stuck feeling has passed I feel mildy full as well. I think I'll save the rest for later. I really want to eat more so I can taste more but that's not the right reason to eat and it's the behavior I most need to reel in. Baby steps....put the tuna away.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-85260443228865980082010-01-15T08:22:00.000-08:002010-01-15T08:28:50.684-08:00The GainAmy made a comment in my last post that it would be helpful to know what caused the gain. I decided she's right even if a majority of it is just bad choices. What else caused the gain? Well it started out with being too tight. I let it go FAR too long and gained 10 pounds eating slider foods and not getting protein. I finally admitted what was going on (for a long time I thought it was just me not following the plan). I went in and had .5 cc's removed and now I am all loosey goosey. Loosey goosey (think bread,pasta, anything I want loose) plus bad choices = GAIN. My lowest was 241.8 (and that was a fleeting moment). I would say the real maintained low was around 244. I am now at 265. It's embarrassing. I am scared to get a fill b/c I CAN NOT go back to being too tight, it was horrible and I was sick ALL the time. So I am really trying to do it on sheer willpower and the little help my band still offers. I do get full faster than pre-band and sometimes stuff does get stuck (esp. in the AM's). I think once I get back down these 20 pounds I'll think about tightening up a little. For now, baby steps. Back to the gym, I'm shooting for 3 days a week. I've been trying to get out for walks a few days a week and cutting way down on crap and snacking. So there it is.....the gain heard and seen 'round the world. Blech.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-66710762227448939802010-01-15T05:25:00.000-08:002010-01-15T05:39:11.161-08:00I've Been HidingIt's hard to come here time and again and announce all of my failures to you all. So many of you are fellow lap banders and are doing amazingly well. I read the other lap band blogs and feel such a sense of failure, disappointment in myself, disgust, sadness, etc. It's really hard because I know it's all my own fault. I've not done what I was supposed to, not followed all the rules, and worse not put myself first in my life. I've re-gained, more. I hate it but just haven't been able to do anything about it. There's a list of <s>reasons</s> excuses and some of them carry some weight and validity and some don't. All I can say is that life has been crazy, thrown a lot my way and in it I lost me! I caught a glimpse of me the other day hanging onto a cliff by one finger and I threw myself a rope. I can't lose myself, then who would I be? <br /><br />So, I waited until I had something positive to say before I blogged, some "there you go, I'm on the right track" thing. Yesterday I went to the gym. I hadn't been in a long time and I really did not want to go. I felt intimidated by it again. I had every reason not to go yesterday. Little Guy has been sick, we're trying to figure out the cause of a chronic cough and he's miserable. He woke at 4:30 yesterday coughing and gagging. At 6 when I went to leave him with DP to go to the gym he was pathetic "don't go mommy" "need you mommy" " me don't feel too good mommy" "me want to cuddle with you" and on and on. Looking at his face it would have been the easiest thing to scrap the gym plans and cuddle up on the couch and watch Clifford. however, I didn't. I knew he'd be fine with DP and I left. It hurt, a lot but it was what I had to do.....for me. After the gym I worked REALLY hard at making good food choices and I did all day until I went out to dinner with a friend. At least I didn't eat crap all day AND go out to dinner, right? Right? :) Anyway, scale was down 2 pounds from the highest I've seen post op so now I've got to keep it going.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-26146655742996514902010-01-01T04:18:00.000-08:002010-01-01T04:32:13.932-08:00So Much to Catch Up OnThe past few weeks brought illness after illness to my entire family. We were subjected to pink eye, ear infections, nasty colds, sinus infections......it wasn't pretty. The boys felt better for Xmas (not 100%,but better) and DP and I put on a happy face and the show went on! We're all feeling better now except for the lingering runny nose and associated coughing. Blech. 2010 IS going to be a healthier year for my family and I'm not even talking about food and weight, just illness. We had such a horrible year with illness I am glad it's over.<br /><br />Xmas was great! Big Guy got up at 3 and wanted to do presents, I sent him back to bed. At 3:50 he tried again and every 5-10 minutes after that until I gave in just before 5. He and Little Guy had a lot of fun and got incredibly spoiled between Santa and the Grandparents. I was excited to get a Tom Tom, some gorgeous earrings (wink wink) from my boys, new bras and undies (woot!), and various other gifts that were just right. There weren't many things that I didn't like and it feels so good to have some nice new things.<br /><br />On the weight front I held steady through Xmas. Last weigh in here was 260 I believe and that is where I sit today. I bounced up a few and took it right off again and yesterday the scale was 259.8. In a way I'd love to be able to report I was a lot lower and getting back down to my low but really I am very very happy to have at least held steady through a crazy food holiday. I keep wanting to lose weight to please everyone around me who keeps asking if I've lost more, and wanting to lose weight so if I have to go to the doc. they'll be happy with the scale but I'm really comfortable with where I am right now and I know that's what the issue is. 260 is a bit much, I LOVED 242. I want to get back there and will now that all this craziness is over but I don't have any huge motivation to lose more than that right now. <br /><br />Something else I've wanted to talk about are two products (and related smells) that I've recently started using (again). I went out the other day to buy a new face wash and came home with a Noxema Daily Scrub. I love, love, love the fresh Noxema smell and it reminds me so much of my childhood. My mom used to slather our sunburned backs with Noxema. I also started wearing, hold on to your seats, Love's Baby Soft body spray. I used to wear it as a teen and I found it the other day and fell in love all over again. I love baby powder and Love's is baby powder and a freshly washed and lotioned baby rolled all into one. HEAVEN. <br /><br />SO those are the random thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. From illness to Noxema you get to hear it all.....aren't you glad you read this life changing blog? (eye roll)Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-71846477626863407632009-12-20T04:01:00.000-08:002009-12-20T04:11:33.487-08:00I Survived a Xmas Party!I didn't stand around the food all night, yay!! I went into this worried. The last party I went to at Halloween I WAY overdid the munching. Not this time! I ate the equivalent of 1.5 Buffalo Chicken egg rolls dipped in blue cheese, 1 cookie and 1 chocolate covered graham cracker w/strawberry on top. I had 1 drink! <br /><br />DP and I went on a date for dinner before the party and that really helped. We split an appetizer that was a quesadilla w/BBQ pork and onions. Sooooo delicious. I ordered the soup and salad combo and ate about 1/3 of the salad and 3/4 the bowl of carrot ginger soup. I left comfortably full, another victory. <br /><br />I got the cold the kids had and have been feeling pretty miserable. The sore throat is really the worst and I've been eating more than my fair share of ice cream to combat it. Nothing else seems to really feel good. I also find myself eating more comfort foods when I am sick. Does anyone else have this issue? I wish it were healthy things like soup but it's more like chips and dip. <br /><br />I weighed in a few days ago and the scale was back at 260. ?????????????? I was angry. It is approaching TOM so maybe that's it. I don't know but have steered clear of the scale for a few days knowing I haven't been stellar and worried what it will say. I plan to weigh in tomorrow morning and hope to get down to only weighing in once a week.<br /><br />I am going to post on one of my weight loss forums and ask for a buddy. I need someone to keep me accountable, to bounce ideas off of, etc. I'm hoping I will find someone available via email most of the day so I can write and say "help, the ice cream is screaming to me from the freezer" LOL. <br /><br />It's supposed to warm up a little around here this week. Yesterday it made it into the upper 20's!! After several days in the single digits it was downright balmy. I took the dogs for a little walk and if I had dressed a little more appropriately I definitely could have stayed out longer. So, I'm hoping to get more walks in this week.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-31250469109091415722009-12-18T03:34:00.000-08:002009-12-18T03:43:11.992-08:00How Was Day 4?Not too bad....<br /><br />B: crystal light<br />S: salad<br />L: tater tot casserole (SO not a healthy recipe)<br />S: ?? I don't think I had one<br />D: 1 whole slice cheese pizza at a kids bday and 2 small crusts leftover from Big Guy<br />S: some more tater tot casserole (it's gone now!!)<br /><br />I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen so while it's not intense cardio or anything it wasn't sitting on my butt either. From about 12 on I was on the go running errands, taking Big Guy to skating, picking up DP, bringing Big Guy to a birthday party and then taking him Christmas shopping for his brother. I never did get that walk yesterday, after I blogged here I checked the temp and it was only 10....brrrr...... That was enough to deter me. I'll walk in the high teens and twenties but 10 is a little too low. <br /><br />Little Guy sucumbed to the pink eye and is MISERABLE. His eyes are swollen nearly shut and his cold seems to be worse as well. Poor little guy. So, that paired with 3 degrees outside this AM means no walk for me this AM. I think by the time DP gets home though I'll be dying to get out for fresh air!!<br /><br />I didn't weigh in yesterday and I'm not sure about today. I don't want to do it every day and get addicted to it again but I know I need to be careful and keep track. Such a tough balance for me. Hmmmmmm.......I'll let you know tomorrow!Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-12900461415498612012009-12-17T03:33:00.000-08:002009-12-17T03:40:35.275-08:00Day 3 in a NutshellCrap<br /><br />Really, that's all I need to say. My schedule was off with Big Guy home from school sick, I was way overtired from being up at 3AM with him and I just didn't have the willpower. I'd love to tell you I grazed on healthy foods but....not always. I'm not sure I remember all I ate but will try to recap.<br /><br />B: small bowl frosted flakes w/ff milk<br />S: handful of cheese crackers and a few slices of cheddar cheese<br />L: hamburger (no bun)<br />S: popcorn w/a little butter<br />This is where it all goes to heck BTW<br />D: 1/2 buffalo chicken calzone, 1/2 large salad. 1 square piece of cake<br />S: eggnog<br /><br />Somewhere in there I choked down a candy cane or two and a few dove chocolates. I also ate a second piece of cake in the middle of the night. Bah. <br /><br />It's amazing how being tired really affects my choices. Darn those little kids, LOL. Just kidding, I wouldn't trade them for anything. <br /><br />I did, however, take the dog for a walk last night. It was a really little, once around the block, one but it's something. I haven' done that in quite a while and it felt good despite the frigid air. I'm thinking about heading out for another this AM. Guess I better looking at what I ate last night, yuck. Ok, off for a walk. Have a good day all!Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-92082665799878045182009-12-16T04:30:00.000-08:002009-12-16T04:34:21.353-08:00Day 2 RecapOK, yesterday was not as good as Monday. Here's the menu:<br /><br />B: slim fast<br />S: slice banana bread<br />S2: 1T peanut butter<br />L: hamburger (no bun)<br />S: frosted flakes w/fat free milk<br />D:bagel w/cream cheese<br /><br />I also had to make a cake for Sadie's work and had several spoonfuls of batter. Ugh, carbs carbs carbs.<br /><br />I wasn't looking forward to the scale this AM but.....surprise surprise it was nice to me. Monday AM I was 260.4 and today.................drumroll..............255.6! Yay!!!! I'm getting there.<br /><br />Big Guy is sick today and 2 months ago sick kids was my downfall and what started the downward spiral into poor eating so I really want to focus on healthy choices today. Wish me luck!Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-33680655681752413952009-12-15T10:19:00.000-08:002009-12-15T10:24:08.332-08:00Day 1 Back on the WagonI did pretty well yesterday. I had 2 multigrain rice cakes with 1 tablespoon each of peanut butter and jelly for breakfast, a burger (no bun) for lunch, and a salad with sliced steak for dinner. I snacked on popcorn and ate a few Dove chocolates. All in all, not bad at all. The scale was down 1.5 pounds today so obviously it worked.<br /><br />So far today I've done pretty well too. Breakfast was a slim fast and lunch was a burger (no bun). I did have one slice of banana bread and a spoonful of peanut butter for a snack this AM but that's it so far. I need to go work on water though, I have not been drinking nearly enough.<br /><br />Exercise wise; not as good. Monday I did not go to the gym b/c the kids had been up all night the night before. Today I started a new job babysitting and the kids and I had to be at their house early so I did not go to the gym again (not enough time). Yesterday I did spend about 30-35 minutes shoveling and chopping ice and today I took care of 4 little boys and vacuumed a whole house. I'm pooped!Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-11420988067955473142009-12-14T05:25:00.001-08:002009-12-14T05:31:00.831-08:00Here It IsOk everyone, here it is, the honesty post. <br /><br />I have declared today the day I will AGAIN jump back on the band wagon. I weighed in, and as embarassed as I am to say, I am at 260. At one point I was as low as 242 and the highest before now I had ever bounced up to was 253. So, 260 flat out sucks. 18 pounds??? I do wonder how much is water weight, I'd say at least 5 pounds but we'll find out today as I go back to basics and drink water and eat right. <br /><br />I did have plans to hit the gym this AM but my children plotted against me. Yesterday Big Guy woke up with pink eye and Little Guy started sneezing late in the day and sounding congested. Between the two of them I was up 5 times last night and try as I may, there was just no way I was dragging my ass out of bed to go to the gym this morning. I was exhausted. So today I am taking Big Guy to the pediatrician and hanging out playing nurse to two unhappy boys. Tonight I have plans to finish up my Xmas shopping. Hopefully the boys will sleep better tonight and I can gym in the morning. <br /><br />So there it is people....I've gained 18 pounds because my band was too tight. Don't be like me!!!Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-39008728528988993982009-12-11T09:37:00.000-08:002009-12-11T09:44:22.866-08:00ThankfulAs most of you know, things here are pretty tough right now. We are beyond broke, I've gained weight, etc. With all of that there are many many things I am thankful for and I want to focus on the positive.<br /><br />I am thankful my kids don't feel the effects of our economic state. Aside from saying no to Dunkin Donuts and eating out they really don't know the difference.<br /><br />I am thankful to weigh a lot less now than I did a year ago.<br /><br />I am thankful that I won't hate the way I look in photos at Xmas this year.<br /><br />I am thankful that this year I don't have to worry about having a reliable vehicle.<br /><br />I am thankful for some great friendships that have formed this year.<br /><br />I am thankful that I have two little boys who "love me to the moon and back" and request to cuddle on a daily basis.<br /><br />I am thankful that starting my own photo. business was successful and I made enough money to buy some presents for my boys for Xmas.<br /><br />I am thankful for the support of people who read this blog.<br /><br />There are many more things I am thankful for but that's what pops up right away in my mind. We may be poor in terms of money but we are rich in so many other ways that are much more important.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-72607633774587972892009-12-11T05:42:00.000-08:002009-12-11T05:56:54.183-08:00A Delicate BalanceMy un-fill has felt heavenly. Problem? Too heavenly. I've been able to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I want. Last night? I ate a fast food burger on a bun....I hadn't had one since June. It tasted sooooooo good. But was it the right choice? Of course not. I suppose it would have been OK had I not spent the day eating everything that wasn't nailed down and didn't follow it sampling every one of the desserts on a sweets tray gift from a friend. <br /><br />So this morning I have eaters remorse and the scale definitely showed me who's boss. It's not so much the number that's bothering me but the fact that I feel fat. I feel like I've gained as much as the scale says. My pants are tight, my spare tire is sticking out, yuck. I feel like I did at 306, yucky. <br /><br />I had no idea .5 cc's would do so much. Thankfully I have an appt. to go back and see her in a week and a half. I def. think I'll need to put a little of that back in. It's such a delicate balance when .5 cc's makes the difference between getting stuck EVERY day and being able to eat anything. Wow. <br /><br />I'm trying not to let the scale determine how I feel about myself but yes, I am disappointed in where I am. THis is definitely not where I wanted to be at Christmas. My goal for Christmas was the 220's and I am FAR from that right now. But then, my goal for the Fall was definitely not to be hit with a major depression and not to be struggling so hard with finances so I guess even the best laid plans and goals don't always work. As a control freak/perfectionist it's hard for me to admit defeat but hey, it happens to the best of us. <br /><br />So, where to go from here? Back to the gym for me! Starting Monday (their weekend hours are nearly non existent) I will set the alarm and go early in the morning and start my day on the right foot. I haven't decided how many days a week yet but will sit down with the calendar and come up with a plan. Next week I also start a new babysitting job Tuesdays and Fridays, hooray for income! I feel like things are starting to come around, like everything is falling into place where it was once up in the air. <br /><br />I've learned a lot about myself this Fall. I've learned that sometimes you have no choice but to let go of the control and let what will be, be. It stinks that my weight loss journey was affected by the lesson in a negative way but I think that in the long run it will be helpful. I enter this Winter a much different person than last and am looking forward to starting another New Year with my new skills, weight, me.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-59718423446115712432009-12-09T04:44:00.000-08:002009-12-09T04:57:42.135-08:00Oh Thank GodI can eat again!! I did not get stuck once yesterday. No pain, no PB, no sliming. It was heaven! I ate more than I should have b/c, well simply, I COULD! LOL. I hope to get that under control again but it felt soooooo good to eat and not hurt and not get sick. Wow. <br /><br />In other news it's a snowy day here!! Big guy was scheduled to have the day off anyway but the snow is a nice bonus. I'm hoping we'll get to go out and play in it before it starts turning to rain, blech. The plans for today are snow play, cocoa, a movie, and painting our handmade ornaments for the tree. I'm sure we'll be done everything and bored by noon but we'll wing it ;) <br /><br />The depression is much, much better. I had a sneaking suspicion the Prozac was making it worse and decided to try stopping it and what a difference. Wow. I'm snappy right now but hope that's just a withdrawal side effect and will pass. <br /><br />Things here financially are pretty tough. We've had some issues with S' student loans and can no longer put them in forebearance and are being forced to pay on them each month for the next 9 months. I cannot begin to describe what a hardship this is for us. We were barely (and most of the time not) making ends meet and to be out an extra $250 a month pushes us way into poverty. The photo. business has slowed down now that Xmas is getting so close and the weather is changing. I've picked up a babysitting job a few days a week and decided yesterday to cash out my teeny tiny 401K. I figured there wasn't much there but it would keep us out of the food pantry for a few months. I've thought about full time work but the cost of child care doesn't really make it make sense. <br /><br />For now we're making the most of what we have. Thankfully I socked away all the income from photo shoots and was able to buy the boys each 7 presents for Xmas. We cut down a tree behind S' parents house and while it's a little funky and non traditional it was fun and free. I've been using the ingredients I have around the house to do holiday craft projects with the boys including salt dough ornaments and glittery pine cones. I don't want the boys to know how bad off we are so I try to keep things as normal as possible. It's hard though, hard to say no to them when they ask for things. I know it's not a big deal but it's still hard.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7630279608930975794.post-20892002229417363652009-12-08T06:29:00.000-08:002009-12-08T06:37:29.420-08:00UN-fillI've gained weight. More than I care to talk about but it's significant. Many people would think I needed a fill but I thought long and hard about it, emailed my nurse and today went in for my first unfill. I was eating "slider" foods because I knew they would go down without pain. Anytime I ate anything of substance I got stuck. Meat, crackers, potatoes. OUCH. It happened so often that the kids got used to mommy running to the bathroom and would say "Aw, poor mommy". My 5 year old starting saying he was sorry I got stuck. When your 5 year old starts using band lingo you know you are in trouble. I was worried. Every time I get stuck it results in a PB or worse. I cannot handle the pain/feeling and get sick every time. I worry about what I did to my band and stomach. I've known for a while I need an unfill but didn't want to face the scale at the Bariatric center knowing I had gained. So I emailed the nurse and told her my concerns and she agreed I needed an unfill and said not to worry about the gain and that sometimes life gets the best of us. It was the perfect thing to say and I immediately called and made an appt. I got in first thing this AM and Holly (nurse) didn't even make me weigh in. THANK YOU!! She knew I was stressing about it and let it go. So nice. So she took out .5 cc's of my 5.25 and I am already hopeful. SInce my last fill breakfast has been impossible and I've been too tight to eat anything until at least noon. I came home from the unfill hungry and a little nauseous so I sat down with a few saltines and they went down, no problem. Phew, I feel so much better. I am hopeful that I now that I will be able to eat the right foods again I will get back on the losing side of things.Colleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04710317970407282114noreply@blogger.com3