Saturday, December 20, 2008

Saturday Secret

I'm scared.

I have been fat my whole life. That means that all I know is how to live life as a fat person. It scares me that that will change. I want it to change but don't know what that means. Can you imagine something that you've been your entire life changing?? It's scary.

I'm also scared because I have hopes and dreams of what my life will be like when I am thinner and what if those things don't happen?

Another thing I am afraid of is failure. I have tried to do this for 22 years. What if it doesn't work? What if I can't do it? This is my last shot at this, medical intervention is huge and if I fail at it?? What then?

Then there is the surgery itself. I have had several surgeries; a broken arm when I was 2, foot surgery after college, 2 c-sections and a gall bladder removal. All of them went well and I healed nicely. At some point aren't the odds stacked against me? I've had no problems with 5 surgeries, will number 6 be the one that is bad?

So yes, I am scared.

Crap Fest

So the title pretty much sums it up. I'm feeling kind of down and out and life feels like a crap fest. The holidays are hard when your budget is tight. They are also hard when your significant other works crazy hours leaving you little time to shop/wrap/cook without the children dangling off your legs. We need the money from the overtime, don't get me wrong, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Add to that I can not turn to food for comfort which I have in the past and I am all out of sorts. I haven't done any holiday baking, in part so I don't eat it, and that just feels wrong. Baking is a big part of who I am. I love baking, love baking with the kids, and love giving it to others. I am hoping that in the future I will be able to handle it and not eat so much I have to make more for others. This year though, I just think it's best to avoid it all together. So that's where I am at right now. I am just feeling blah. I hope that my appointment at the bariatric center on the 30th will help bring the excitement back to this process for me.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Stupid Hormones

Ever since having kids my body has changed. It changed physically (thanks to 2 c-sections) and it changed hormonally. I am much more affected by the change in hormones associated with my cycles than I ever was before.

I now suffer from PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder. It's PMS just about 10X worse. I get very irritable, fatigued, my joints ache and I retain water like a camel in the desert. It sucks.

A little over a year ago while trying to lose weight, post baby #2, I discovered a few things.
#1 My tummy will never be the same. I still don't have feeling in parts of it from nerves cut during delivery. Fun.

#2 I retain so much water from the middle of my cycle to the end it's ridiculous. At one point it was about 4-5 pounds that I would put on and then lose within the two week time frame. Now, why am I boring all of you with this? Well, it's mid cycle for me. I still haven't lost more weight despite my vigilant eating and exercising. That's not normal for me. The beginnings of diets are always very productive , it's later that I slow down tremendously. So I was discouraged until I went to shave my legs last night. There was a huge indentation above my ankle where my sock had been. I am retaining water. Woohoo!! I am so hoping that that's the reason the scale isn't moving but I am still having a hard time believing it. I don't think I'll believe it until the cycle ends and I drop some weight.

So now that you all know about my cycle and my fun hormonal changes I think I'll go have breakfast. Why oh why do I share these things with you???

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Close Encounters of the Whopper Variety

Ah the flame broiled goodness smelled divine. The fries were fresh and the coke machine was calling my name. It was a little overwhelming but I made it!!! The only thing that went in my mouth was the pickle from Riley's hamburger. Woohoo!!!!!!! I watched as the boys ate their meals and as S devoured a whopper combo meal, size medium and the other half of Riley's hamburger. It was sooooo hard to be that close to something so delicious. I watched the toppings drip out of her burger and onto her hands and could almost taste it. Thankfully it's over. I came home and made myself a hamburger patty using very lean meat and even drained it on a paper towel before eating. I also had a large serving of green beans. Delicious and not nearly the 75 grams of fat that S consumed at dinner. Craziness.

Wish Me Luck

Tonight's dinner was my son's pick. Grammy was supposed to be babysitting so he was looking forward to eating out for dinner. Due to inclement weather Grammy is not here but we have agreed to let him pick dinner. His choice; Burger King. Wish me luck. I actually plan to not eat there at all. True, I could have a salad but salad from Burger King is just kind I can hit the produce dept. of my grocery store late at night to buy wilted lettuce and dry carrots. I figure it will save us some money too. I am not sure what I'll have once home but I know it will be better than a whopper value meal.

As far as food goes I have done soooo well. Today hasn't been great. I had more than my fair share of reduced fat Cheez It's and I did splurge on a bowl of frozen yogurt but in comparison to what I could have eaten that's not bad at all. I wish the scale would reflect how well I've been eating but it's not. I am stuck. I know I just weighed in on Sunday but I am a compulsive scale user and I check every day, sometimes multiple times. It hasn't budged. Well, that's not true. It did go up a little and then back down but that's not the budging I want. I have been walking a lot more too. My weiner dog is quite happy with the multiple walks around the neighborhood. I really hope Sunday's weigh in doesn't disappoint. I fear if there has been no loss I will give up. It's hard to work so hard and eat so well and so little to have nothing happen. We'll see but please be thinking light thoughts Sunday morning for me, OK?

So, I am off to Burger King in a few minutes. I will be strong. The flame broiled aroma won't get me this time. Time to go chug some water.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Torturous Teen Years

Kids are mean. I know that first hand. My number one memory of middle school involves two boys; Nick and Phil. They sat behind me in English class. Any time I had to get up and walk to the front of the class they would say "Look out, here comes freight train." Yup, freight train. That was their nickname for me b/c of my size. In middle school I was probably a size 16, not huge by any means but large enough for Nick and Phil to have a target. I hated English. To this day I remember the way they looked, their first and last name's and the sounds of their voices. Each day was torture.

Middle school graduation. All of my friends were so excited. There was even a dance after. My mom took me shopping to buy a dress. Nothing fit. I ended up at Lane Bryant and with a one piece shorts romper covered in horrific flowers. It was the least offensive, believe it or not. I saw it in my mother's face that day while we were shopping; the panic that nothing was fitting, that we would not be able to find anything. I saw the worry that she knew it was upsetting me. I tried to make the best of it and proclaimed that I loved the romper, it was perfect! Inside I was crying. All of the other girls in my class wore cute dresses and looked great. I looked like an oompah loompah.

Freshman year of high school I was in the marching band (yup, I was a band geek). We were a competitive marching band and pretty darn good!! We even went to Disney and marched in the Main St. parade. The summer before freshman year I was informed of a day and time to come to the school and get fitted for a band uniform. Panic struck. Someone was going to know my real size, see how big I really was. Did they have a uniform big enough for me? The dreaded day came and I went. The older band members helping with fittings that day were mostly great and it went pretty well, guessed it....nothing really fit. There were already a few members of the band that were on the larger size and all the uniforms left were small. I got a pair of pants that fit well but I had to squeeze myself into a jacket for every show. I couldn't even sit with it zipped. I looked like a marshmallow stuffed into a smore. I was oozing out all over the place. I hated the uniform, dreaded every time I had to put it on and had to watch what I ate the entire year so the damn uniform would still fit. Maroon and gold still makes me cringe.

Every look, every whisper, every little laugh was always directed at me in my mind. All through middle school and high school I was paranoid. I didn't raise my hand in class b/c I didn't want to draw attention to myself, didn't get up during class to use the bathroom, and if I had to make a presentation in front of the class I nearly died. My heart would race, my palms would sweat and I would feel like I was going to throw up. All of that because the thought of putting my body on display in front of my peers was horrifying. Would they notice my stomach roll? Would they see me sweating and say it was because I was so fat? Would they make fun of my clothes that even I hated? Graduating from high school and, even after, college was liberating for me.

I missed out on a lot. I didn't socialize much, I had a few good friends and that was that. I almost always had a boyfriend. For me, having a boyfriend meant that I couldn't be that disgusting. There was actually someone out there who found me attractive and loved me. The times when I was single I spiraled into depression and thought so little of myself it was scary. No one loved me, no one wanted me, I was gross.

I have come a long way. I know that not everyone judges me by my weight. I know that inside this body I am a great person. Sadly, there's still a little bit of that teenage girl in there so scared and self conscious. I think there always will be.

Is it that bad?

My blog that is. I see you all stopping by, there's a visitor counter on the bottom of the page. Is it that boring that no one has anything to say about it? I'm lacking in comments. Now I admit, I can be a drive by blogger reader sometimes but I try to comment every now and again. So leave me a comment and let me it really boring for you to read this?? I'll try to spice it up a little.

I'll be back later with a more substantial post, I hope.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Hunger is getting the best of me. I have had hunger pains non stop for nearly a week now. It's getting tough. Add to that that I am starting to get some PMS and I am afraid all hell is about to break loose.

Yesterday was bad. I was hungry a lot. I also had a lot of cravings. First salty then sweet. I ate OK. I had a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, a handful of saltine crackers for snack, baked potato soup (a light recipe) for lunch, yogurt for snack and 2 bowls of salad for dinner. After dinner I was STARVING. I polished off a single serve bag of animal crackers that little guy didn't eat and then S and I made popcorn. I made it on the stove, used as little oil as possible and we did not put butter on it. And I was still hungry. I went to bed hungry, I woke up in the middle of the night hungry.....UGH. Looking over yesterday's food choices though I do see a distinct lack of fruit and protein. I am hoping that it was the lack of protein that made yesterday so rough. Protein is a huge part of the post op diet and what I did yesterday is a no no even if I am pre-op.

I am hoping that today will be better. I am going to start the day with some egg for protein and some fruit and we'll go from there. I am pretty busy today as well so that will help some. Yesterday when things got rough and all I wanted to do was eat I took the dog for a walk. That helped a little.

Any tips, suggestions, encouraging words are welcome..........

Comments: I just wanted to say that some people are having trouble with the comment section. Click on the comment link, type your message in the box and then select either name/url from the drop down menu and type in your name or anonymous and just put your name in the comment box. Then click submit.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sunday Success Story

At least once a week I will try to think of at least one thing I have been successful at diet-wise. Today I am proud to say I have been very successful on the scale front. I weighed in this morning at 296.2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo!! Go me! That's down 10 pounds from my heaviest. I will admit that 306 was fully clothed and 296 is naked but still! Amazing. I really started putting an effort in when I started blogging this week. You all are keeping me honest whether you know it or not. I have been making healthy choices (most of the time) and it shows.

Now, my goal is to never ever ever see the 300's again. I wasn't there for long, a few months, but I hated it. For some reason that was one of those numbers that killed me and it was very defeating. Phew, never again. I am now 1/3 of the weigh to my pre-op weight loss requirement. Yippee!!

ETA: I added a weight loss ticker at the bottom of the page to track my progress.