Struggling~Big Time

I haven't lost any weight in 2 months or more. Sigh. I can tell you it's all my own fault. For whatever reason I just haven't been putting the energy into it. I've been eating things that aren't healthy and haven't been exercising like I should. I don't know why except that I think I just needed a break. This process has been consuming my life for almost a year now and I think I just needed to stp back and chill. I've been playing with about 5 pounds up and down but I always get back down so I consider it maintaining my lowest weight. I'm thankful for that. I keep saying I'm going to get back in it, I set new goals, I make new plans but in reality I'm tired, worn out, and just plain busy. Focusing on yourself takes a lot of time and energy and I just haven't been doing it lately. I KNOW that I WILL get back there, soon, I hope. I'm not going to beat myself up for it, that's pointless. I'm contemplating another fill but scared. I've had a hard time since my last one and am definitely a lot tighter than before. My problems are really just not chewing enough, taking bites that are too big and eating too fast. Old habits are hard to break. I know I need a fill though, because I can still eat too much at one sitting. This is all so complex sometimes it makes my head hurt. So, thanks for all the support you all have provided, I'm sorry for letting you all down the past few months. I'll get there, in my own time.

No Time For Me

Little Guy has been really sick. He had a cold for a few weeks and then got a lot worse. The first time I brought him in (on a Sunday) he got a quick exam and it was declared just a cold. Less than 48 hours later we were back at the doctor and it was ruled pneumonia. He continued to get worse, even on antibiotics and then had a brief spurt of seeming better. It didn't last long and we were back in our doctors office Monday. The pneumonia was worse, he had an ear infection and maybe a UTI. Really?? How did he manage to get two NEW infections while on an antibiotic. So they changed the antibiotic and sent us on our way. Fast forward to today, he should be better. Is he?? Hard to tell. Not enough for me to say yes and feel confident about it. I am supposed to call the doctor today and give an update. I think we'll be sent for chest xrays this afternoon.

Little Guy has been such a trooper and really the only thing he wants is, me. "Need you mommy" "want you mommy" and "just need mommy" are all he says. This has left very little time for me. I haven't been to the gym in well over a week and my diet has lacked a LOT. I am happy to have maintained my weight loss but sad I haven't continued losing. My goal was to be 225 by Halloween and while I knew it was a stretch it was doable. Now, not so much. My new goal is to break out of the 240's by then. It's only a few pounds but I haven't been able to get there so I am setting a goal. 239 by Halloween. I can do it!!!

So, that's where I've been......pinned under a coughing, feverish, vomiting 2.5 year old pathetic little boy. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.

3 Month Follow Up

Today I was scheduled to have my 3 month follow up appointments with the nutritionist and nurse at the Bariatric Center. I had to cancel. Little Guy is sick with a nasty cough and now I have it too, along with what sounds like pop rocks in my chest. Yuck. I am happy to report that if I had gone today I would have weighed in the same as at my last fill. While I would love to report a loss I am happy with what I have. After that last fill I gained a lot of weight, some water, some not. At one point I was up 10 pounds. Thankfully I have shed all of those and am back to where I was. Now, time to keep losing. I am craving major comfort foods b/c I am sick so let's keep our fingers crossed that I can still make healthy choices.

Temptation Cometh

I have to get weighed on Monday and I have been busting my butt to lose the weight I had re-gained after my last fill. Then this food walks in the door.


My mom. She means well, I swear she does. They are supposed to be treats for the kids. I know, I know, no kid needs that many treats but I tell ya, she means well. This is not a post flaming mom for her need to feed my kids......it's about temptation. All of those foods call to me. They talk to me at midnight,2AM,4AM and just about every time I walk into the kitchen. Sigh. Why don't the apples talk to me?

The Gym is Good

I made it to the gym three days this week. Now I know that's not heart stopping news or anything but as a stay at home mom to two boys I think I did well. I also played tennis one night, walked another and have plans for tennis or a walk again tonight. I like the gym, it feels good to get all sweaty and gross and feel like I accomplished something. I can do 20 minutes on the elliptical which works out to about 3.5 miles or so. I alternate my speed, per my trainers instruction, so sometimes I am really going for it and other's chugging along moderately. This week I also started in on the treadmill. I didn't think I would because I do still go for walks in the neighborhood but I'm glad I did. It's different walking on a treadmill and I get a better pace and have to keep it up or fall off, lol. Now that I am getting comfortable on a treadmill again I want to start jogging for chunks of time. My overall goal is really to be able to run a 5K. There is a runner trapped in this body and it's dying to get out!!

Speaking of running, Sarah, a fellow lap band blogger is training for her first 5K! She's so inspisring to me and I hate, hate, hate that she is down on herself right now. If you have time head on over and encourage her to keep running!!!

an open letter

Dear 5 uninvited pounds,

You are not welcome here. I don't like you, I don't want you, you can leave now. You were not invited to come back and reside on my waist, hips and thighs. In fact, I believe I threw you a lovely going away party the last time you left. Perhaps it was too nice of a party and you came back for more, won't happen.

I am doing my best to show you I am not a hospitable hostess. All that time on the elliptical, treadmill, and chasing balls around a tennis court is not your thing! You like couch lounging, cake tasting, and general laziness. Please find someone more your speed to reside on.

I will admit that occasionally I throw you a bone and feed you some of your favorite foods but please!!! I have not eaten nearly enough junk to warrant your stay for this long. 1000-1200 calories a day plus lots of exercise does not, I repeat not, warrant a weight gain.

So, 5 pounds, I suggest you pack up quickly and leave town. Feel free to take additional pounds with you. They will not be missed!

Busy

The scale is not my friend. The scale is not my friend. The scale is not my friend. OK, now that I have that out of my system I can move on. I've been falling off and climbing back on the wagon for a few weeks now. It's tiring. I have been doing well this week so far but the scale refuses to reflect those changes. I am still going to the gym (woohoo!). I went early early Monday AM and just got home from a mid day workout today. I also played tennis again Monday night. All that activity would surely move the scale. Nope.

Monday I have to go for my 3 month follow up at the Bariatric Center and at this point I know that I will have to explain a gain :( My worst fear. Oh well, people make mistakes, right? I've learned from mine and am doing my best to do what's right. That has to count for something.

On top of everything else I decided to go into the photography business. It's something I have always loved and I think I am pretty good at what I do, not great but pretty good. So I made a website and advertised on Craigslist as well as my Facebook page. I have 5 potential clients interested already. Wow! It's exciting and scary all at once. My photo site is http://www.myphotosbycolleen.blogspot.com/ if you are interested in checking it out. Hopefully I can make a go of this and earn a little money while doing something I am passionate about.