Tick Tock

I am still waiting to hear from my insurance company. It will be two weeks tomorrow and I'm getting really anxious.

Diet wise I have been doing OK. I am trying not to get the "last supper syndrome" and eat everything in front of me. I have had a few splurges here and there but I have maintained my loss and am still down slightly over 31 pounds. I've been walking every day so that helps. I am hoping to maybe lose 2-3 pounds this week before my pre-op appointment on the 23rd.

Other than that things are same old same old. I've been spending more time on lapbandtalk.com and obesityhelp.com reading up on lapband experiences etc. I feel fairly prepared for what lies ahead.

Where Have All the Flowers Gone

Lately I have felt invisible. I haven't heard from many of my friends in at least a week and I'm feeling pretty alone. I did get the chance to get together with my friend Robin the other day and it was great! It got me out of my funk for a bit, I laughed, we had fun. Where is everyone else? I know ths whole weight loss thing has sucked me in and can be consuming but I am still me. I don't obsess over it when hanging out with friends, in fact, I try to avoid talking about it because most just don't understand. It's just weird, everyone seems to have faded away when I really need them the most. Sigh. That's all.

Feelings

I have had, from the start, mixed emotions regarding the lap band surgery. I KNOW that I NEED it, I have 20+ years of trying to diet behind me to prove that. The hard part is processing that I really can not do this on my own. It's hard to accept that you are failing yourself, if that makes any sense. I know it has to do with my body and it is considered a disease but still, I feel like I have failed myself. I have been working on changing that thought process. In having the surgery and losing the weight I am succeeding and would only be failing if I stayed morbidly obese for my life. There are many other emotions floating around too. Saying good bye to food is hard. I have used food more for emotional satisfaction than physical and it's hard to let that go and find other ways to cope. It is also hard to fight such an uphill battle for so long. Losing the weight is motivating but there are days, weeks when I just want to be able to eat whatever looks or sounds good and not think about it. In preparing for the surgery I am also having to ask people for help, not my strong suit. Then there are all the people around me who see my brave facade and think nothing of this. Little do they know that inside I am very scared. It's nothing I really want to talk about right now but it's hard that people think I am fine and excited and have no fears. This is surgery, there will be anesthesia, there will be pain, there could be complications.....scary. Plus, what if the band doesn't work for me? For some people it just doesn't work, it's not the right tool. What then? I can not, will not do gastric bypass, it's just too extreme for me. SO what? Be fat my whole life? struggle with diets forever? I know, I know, I'm jumping ahead into the unknown but these are the places my mind has been lately. I just feel like I have a life ahead of me that's very different from where I am now. I know that if I lose the weight I will be more confident and get out and live my life more. I worry that I'll never get there and never be the real me.

Celebrate

Wow, I had no idea I'd hit this milestone today. Last week I was up several pounds and over the weekend they just kept falling off. I know a lot was water weight but seriously, the scale shocked me this morning. I'm happy about it though :)

Funk

I've been in a funk all week. I'm not even enjoying my own company, bah. There are many contributing factors but I won't bore you with my ho-hum blah-ness. Instead, I'll update you on surgery.

First, I'm still waiting to hear what the insurance company has decided. I hope it doesn't take too long to get word.
Second, I saw my primary care doc. and she put me on BP meds to help with the insurance approval. Truth is I kind of needed them anyway but just hate being on meds.
Third, I got my paperwork in the mail and have a pre-op assessment on June 23rd which is also the same day I start my pre-op diet (more on that next time) and the same day big guy starts t-ball. I'll get weighed that day and if I have gained since my last weigh in they cancel my surgery. UGH. It's just so stressful. I did not eat well this week and put on a few pounds so today I went back to making careful decisions in the food department. I have 2 full weeks until then so I know I'll knock off the few I re-gained and I hope to lose a few more. I know I CAN and WILL do it but sometimes it's so all consuming it makes me want to ScReAm!

So that's where things stand for now. I'm trying to wrap my head around this whole process. Right now I'm focusing on pre-op diet and recovery. It's a lot to think about.

The Results Are In

My appointment at Casco Bay Surgery today went very well. I was 5 pounds below the goal they set for me when I weighed in. Yay! The surgeon said I was doing an awesome job losing weight. Yay!!! The only quasi bad thing was that the surgeon is concerned that I am not on blood pressure medication and need to be for it to count as a co-morbidity for insurance approval. SO I emailed my primary care doc and we'll see what she says. I don't think it will be a big deal. After meeting with the surgeon I scheduled my surgery!!!! Pending insurance approval I will go under the knife on Tuesday the seventh of July. My pre-op diet will start on June 23rd, whoa. SO, I have 3 weeks until I start pre-op.....crazy. I'm happy and excited and nervous and scared and all those things rolled up into one.

Freaking Out

Tomorrow is the day, the meeting with my surgeon. What has me stressed out though is the damn weigh in. Last week was a bounce back up and plateau week for me and I sat right around 280 all week instead of 278. So the past few days I really pushed hard and this morning I was back to 278.4. Great. Then we went to Story Land with the kids. We had so much fun but the food there s not diet friendly. I ended up eating 2 soft tacos for lunch. They had very little cheese, no sour cream and were mostly lettuce and tomatoes with a little meat thrown in. I snagged a few french fries (6~tops) from the kids and that was it. Tonight for dinner I picked up a rotisserie chicken and had some chicken over salad with fat free dressing. I am completely stressed out that the tacos, 6 fries and few bite of chicken skin are going to throw the scale off come tomorrow. Help!! Talk me down!! All I want to do is eat right now, I'm guessing just because I know I can't. I'm a wreck.....seriously and will probably spend the rest of the night on the scale stressing out.