Wednesday, June 10, 2009


I have had, from the start, mixed emotions regarding the lap band surgery. I KNOW that I NEED it, I have 20+ years of trying to diet behind me to prove that. The hard part is processing that I really can not do this on my own. It's hard to accept that you are failing yourself, if that makes any sense. I know it has to do with my body and it is considered a disease but still, I feel like I have failed myself. I have been working on changing that thought process. In having the surgery and losing the weight I am succeeding and would only be failing if I stayed morbidly obese for my life. There are many other emotions floating around too. Saying good bye to food is hard. I have used food more for emotional satisfaction than physical and it's hard to let that go and find other ways to cope. It is also hard to fight such an uphill battle for so long. Losing the weight is motivating but there are days, weeks when I just want to be able to eat whatever looks or sounds good and not think about it. In preparing for the surgery I am also having to ask people for help, not my strong suit. Then there are all the people around me who see my brave facade and think nothing of this. Little do they know that inside I am very scared. It's nothing I really want to talk about right now but it's hard that people think I am fine and excited and have no fears. This is surgery, there will be anesthesia, there will be pain, there could be complications.....scary. Plus, what if the band doesn't work for me? For some people it just doesn't work, it's not the right tool. What then? I can not, will not do gastric bypass, it's just too extreme for me. SO what? Be fat my whole life? struggle with diets forever? I know, I know, I'm jumping ahead into the unknown but these are the places my mind has been lately. I just feel like I have a life ahead of me that's very different from where I am now. I know that if I lose the weight I will be more confident and get out and live my life more. I worry that I'll never get there and never be the real me.


  1. Colleen,
    Of course you have all these feelings!! It is totally understandable. This is big! Just try to breath and take it one second at a time. Try not to think too much in advance, you are strong and will be able to handle whatever comes your way. If you want to talk, I am here!! Thinking of you!! Love, me.

  2. (((HUGS)))!!!! Hang in there--remember, you want to be around to bug the crap out of your boys 4 a long time! ;) (My eyes were just drawn to that "reason" in your list. :)
    We're all here and rooting for you. I think it's awesome that you are taking this step to do what needs to be done. Sure, it's not the easy path...but the right one rarely is the easiest one.

  3. I completely understand your fears here...this is major surgery and a major life change. It is good to talk about these fears -- they are very real.

    Like Kristen and Cara said, you are doing the right thing for your life and your boys' lives...and you can do this! If it doesn't work, at least you tried. And the best part have lost 30+ pounds on your own!!! That in itself is great!!!!

    You have amazed me with your dedication once you made this decision...I just know it is going to be the best thing for you! Right now, there are probably so many questions...but a year from now, things will be dramatically different.

    ***hug*** we all love you!!!