Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I have had, from the start, mixed emotions regarding the lap band surgery. I KNOW that I NEED it, I have 20+ years of trying to diet behind me to prove that. The hard part is processing that I really can not do this on my own. It's hard to accept that you are failing yourself, if that makes any sense. I know it has to do with my body and it is considered a disease but still, I feel like I have failed myself. I have been working on changing that thought process. In having the surgery and losing the weight I am succeeding and would only be failing if I stayed morbidly obese for my life. There are many other emotions floating around too. Saying good bye to food is hard. I have used food more for emotional satisfaction than physical and it's hard to let that go and find other ways to cope. It is also hard to fight such an uphill battle for so long. Losing the weight is motivating but there are days, weeks when I just want to be able to eat whatever looks or sounds good and not think about it. In preparing for the surgery I am also having to ask people for help, not my strong suit. Then there are all the people around me who see my brave facade and think nothing of this. Little do they know that inside I am very scared. It's nothing I really want to talk about right now but it's hard that people think I am fine and excited and have no fears. This is surgery, there will be anesthesia, there will be pain, there could be complications.....scary. Plus, what if the band doesn't work for me? For some people it just doesn't work, it's not the right tool. What then? I can not, will not do gastric bypass, it's just too extreme for me. SO what? Be fat my whole life? struggle with diets forever? I know, I know, I'm jumping ahead into the unknown but these are the places my mind has been lately. I just feel like I have a life ahead of me that's very different from where I am now. I know that if I lose the weight I will be more confident and get out and live my life more. I worry that I'll never get there and never be the real me.