UN-fill

I've gained weight. More than I care to talk about but it's significant. Many people would think I needed a fill but I thought long and hard about it, emailed my nurse and today went in for my first unfill. I was eating "slider" foods because I knew they would go down without pain. Anytime I ate anything of substance I got stuck. Meat, crackers, potatoes. OUCH. It happened so often that the kids got used to mommy running to the bathroom and would say "Aw, poor mommy". My 5 year old starting saying he was sorry I got stuck. When your 5 year old starts using band lingo you know you are in trouble. I was worried. Every time I get stuck it results in a PB or worse. I cannot handle the pain/feeling and get sick every time. I worry about what I did to my band and stomach. I've known for a while I need an unfill but didn't want to face the scale at the Bariatric center knowing I had gained. So I emailed the nurse and told her my concerns and she agreed I needed an unfill and said not to worry about the gain and that sometimes life gets the best of us. It was the perfect thing to say and I immediately called and made an appt. I got in first thing this AM and Holly (nurse) didn't even make me weigh in. THANK YOU!! She knew I was stressing about it and let it go. So nice. So she took out .5 cc's of my 5.25 and I am already hopeful. SInce my last fill breakfast has been impossible and I've been too tight to eat anything until at least noon. I came home from the unfill hungry and a little nauseous so I sat down with a few saltines and they went down, no problem. Phew, I feel so much better. I am hopeful that I now that I will be able to eat the right foods again I will get back on the losing side of things.

Random Thoughts

Random thought #1:
The past week has gone really well food and exercise wise. I have dropped 7 of the extra 10 pounds, so 3 to go back to my low! And then, the 230's! I was sitting here trying to think about what the difference was, what clicked and made me eat less/better when I realized it wasn't so much that something clicked but that I started to care again. Woohoo Prozac. I still feel kind of in a fog and everything still feels gray but gray is better than black, right? I now realize that those months when I couldn't get my head in the game and was eating whatever I wanted it was because I just didn't care, it wasn't important to me anymore which really means I wasn't important to me anymore. Hello depression! So, I'm glad I do care again and that the changes are making a difference. It's always my fear that I'll return to good eating behaviors and exercise and I won't lose.

Random thought #2:
It has been a year since I started this process. I don't remember the date exactly that I decided I would do this but it was around the beginning of November. I went to my program's seminar at the end of November and it all went on from there. In a year I managed to lose 65 pounds, wow. Considering 45 pounds of that was on my own, pre-banding in July, I'm pretty excited. I definitely proved to myself that I could do it and I know that my success over the past year is what keeps me saying that I know I WILL lose the weight. I feel confident about it now because I have been successful. I am also happy that over this past year I yo-yo'd a little but I always get back to my low, and lower. I could never say that before. During any other diet in my life if I regained at all chances were I would throw in the towel and give up. Not now.

Random thought #3:
Someday I will look back on this post and smile. I am glad that I write about my journey so that in the years to come I can look back and see how far I've come.

I'm Trying!

That darn depression monster just won't let go. Seriously, I see that little orange monster dude from the weight watchers commercial when I say that. Things are better but I don't feel back to normal if that makes sense. I've kind of been in a fog and I'm not sure if that's the depression or the meds. or both, but, blech.

I refilled my BP meds. and lost a few pounds in water weight going back on those (yay!). Now I'm just up 6 pounds from my low which is WAAAAYYYY better than the 10 or so I was. I've been eating less (and better) and walking more. It's taking huge effort on my part to do it though and not just give in to the mood and sit down with a bucket 'o cheese balls and watch TV.

Thankfully, I've been busy with work. That photo business I started a month ago has taken off a little :) This week I had 6 shoots scheduled. I've done 2, one rescheduled due to an illness and I have 3 scheduled this weekend. Not bad for someone starting out I'd say. For the most part I love it. I love taking pictures, editing pictures, organizing all my paperwork, etc. It keeps me busy and gives me a new purpose. I'm not a huge fan of the customer service aspect and some people are just plain difficult to deal with. I also don't like having to direct people in a shoot, it still feels awkward to me. Oh well, I'll get over it.

So this is me, plugging along, trying to find the sun through the clouds.

Battling the Big Bad Monster

I've suffered from depression for years. I was diagnosed in my early twenties after years of fighting it on my own. I developed generalized anxiety on top of the depression and that's what finally convinced me I needed help. Anyone with an anxiety disorder knows how debilitating it can be. For those who don't I'll give you a quick peak into what it was like. I would leave for work and get in the car. While driving to work I would worry about whether or not I locked the door to the house, repeatedly. Sometimes I would have to turn around and check. I'd worry about my dog and if she was OK while I was gone. Was she barking? Could the neighbors hear? Would they complain? Would we get in trouble with the landlord? What would we do then? Did I lock the door? Did I turn off the stove? Did I leave water for the dog? What if I get in a car accident? What if I'm late for work? And so on. My mind never stopped and it was exhausting. My doctor prescribed meds. and after a few tweaks and changes I felt a lot better.

Shortly after the birth of my first son I stopped taking my depression medication. I was on cloud 9 even though there were a lot of things in my life that were going wrong. I loved my son and there was no better feeling in the world to me than being a mom. Big Guy turned 5 this summer and I have for the most part handled my depression on my own since then. I did discover a few years ago that I suffer from PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder-think PMS times 10). I would take a Prozac like med. for two weeks a month and it helped. I often forgot to take it though, two weeks a month made it hard to get into a routine and before I knew it I stopped taking it altogether.

My depression comes in fits and storms. I know when I am feeling depressed and can usually pull myself out of it. Sometimes I feel down for a few days at a time, sometimes a little more or less but it's never anything life altering or major and most people around me don't even notice.

About a week and a half ago the big bad depression monster swallowed me whole. The pas few months have been tough. I've felt myself struggling to stay happy. After being so busy and on the go all summer the slower pace of Fall and Big Guy going to school threw me for a loop. I wasn't seeing my friends much because of different schedules, wasn't getting any time for myself, and I fell out of my exercise/diet routine. So I struggled but wasn't overly concerned and kept telling myself I'd get out of it, I just needed to find a new routine and I'd be good. It didn't happen and I hit a major depression. One day I just felt horrible. I really just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep, cry, stare at the ceiling, whatever. I wished someone would just come take my kids so I could be alone. I cried over everything, I did lay in bed some, I was miserable. I knew what had happened but could not find a way out. A few days before I had started taking my Prozac again, knowing that I was not recovering on my own, but it had not kicked in yet.

Am I better? Tough question. Better than that day? Yes. All better? No. I've been on the Prozac for over a week and not feeling a whole lot better. I'm hoping a little more time will help or else I'm going to have to go back and see my doc. for a change.

Weight wise, I suck. I've gained weight, nearly 10 pounds from my low. I comfort eat when I'm depressed and I clearly managed to do that. I feel like a failure band wise and feel like I am letting everyone down. I know, I know, everyone has problems and everyone struggles with things and I shouldn't feel like that but I do and frankly I know that doesn't help the depression. I just don't know what to do. Do I need a fill? Ugh, I dunno. I still get stuck a lot but mostly on things I probably shouldn't be eating or when I eat too fast. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I actually got full after eating a very small meal and I was hopeful. So a fill? My gut says no. Plus, I cannot imagine walking into the Bariatric center after gaining so much. UGH. I'm so overwhelmed by my failure with this I am finding it hard to find a place to start, know what I mean? I have a gym membership but have been struggling to find the time to get there without the kids b/c I can't afford to pay for them to play while I work out. I need to re-commit to walking when I don;t get to the gym so I am getting something.

Food has been especially hard lately. We are poor. I mean, paycheck to paycheck, and most times that's not enough poor. Do we pay the power bill or buy groceries? So yea, food has been hard. Shopping on a strict budget with two little ones to feed means a lot of our meals are protein less, carb filled, non weight loss surgery friendly meals.

So that's my update. It's not a happy one, it's not the one I wish I could post. I want to be successful again and I know I will be, I know it's in me I just have to crawl out of the depression monsters belly and get back to being me again.

Derek

Several months ago a message popped up in my Facebook inbox. It was from someone named Derek Torres. Derek, it turns out was friends with my ex brother in law and sister. My ex BIL, Lee, told Derek about my upcoming lapband surgery and Derek sent me a message. Derek and I quickly became friends and often exchanged messages. I soon learned that Derek, who lived in Paris, was pursuing gastric bypass surgery. He had a lot of questions about what I had gone through here in the states and was interested in comparing the process. Derek was a funny guy and his emails always made me smile. Derek was a husband and father to three young children and he wanted to be better for them. He wanted more energy, he wanted to be healthy, he wanted to live a long life and watch his children grow. We connected on that level, one of my main reasons for having surgery was my kids, they deserve to have the best mom I can be. I was mildly concerned when I saw on Facebook a few weeks ago that Derek wasn't feeling well. My own children had been sick and I didn't have much time so I never wrote to see how he was. THe posts got a little worse and the last post he left on Facebook was about having to go in to the ER and he just knew they were going to keep him. By now I knew Derek had swine flu and was really sick. Derek never got to post again. Derek Torres passed away in a Paris hospital Tuesday. I was devastated when I got the news and cried for quite some time. I still get tears writing about it. It seems so unfair to me. Derek was doing all he could to become a healthier man, he had great plans and will never get to fulfill them. I am having a really hard time with it b/c the past few months I've been slacking with the weight loss thing and it makes me feel guilty. I was given my chance and I'm not making the most of it and others, like Derek, will never get the chance. I am trying to make the most of the situation and it certainly has reminded me how lucky I am to be here, to spend every day with my family.

Detox

Food addicition SUCKS. I'm not sure how many of you out there have ever been addicted to something and tried to quit but UGH. The past month and half?? (maybe more) I have not been able to control my eating. Seriously I feel like some little monster scarfing down food like it's the last thing I'll ever eat. Today I am detoxing. I started my day with a slim fast shake and plan to have another for lunch and another for dinner. In between maybe some sugar free jello, broth, sugar free popsicles, etc. I NEED to spend a few days on liquids and get all this crap out of my body and get my head back in the game.

Why is food so powerful over me? I turn to it for comfort. When I'm sad, I eat. Angry? eat. Bored? EAT. Want to celebrate? Let's eat! Seriously, craziness.

One of the biggest hurdles for me right now is the season, Fall. I love Fall but one of the reasons I love Fall is all those heavy, warm, comforting foods. I need to step away from the pies, breads, heavy soups, casseroles and everything else. I'm walking away, walking A.Way.

Detox is going to suck. I'm already thinking of food and looking longingly at the refrigerator. But, I can do this. I am doing this and right now I'm doing it in honor of a friend, Derek. Derek lives in Paris and has been preparing for bypass surgery. He has 3 young kids and knew it was time to get his health in check so he could be around for them and enjoy life with the more. I've been very proud of him and following his journey. This past week Derek fell ill with the Swine Flu and is currently in the ICU in really bad shape. It doesn't look good. I can't believe that after he's worked so hard to turn his health around this happened. It would be so cruel if he never got a chance. Derek has helped me realize how lucky I am to be where I am. I am lucky that I have had the surgery and have the tool to help me and now I need to use it. I am so very thankful to have made it this far and be where I am but I can't wait to do more, be more, in honor of a great guy. Derek, get well soon, there's so much more out there for you to do and I want to see you accomplish it all.

Today's the Day

I'm climbing back on the wagon people, it's time. I've eaten all the junk I could possibly eat and I feel yucky. I crave my fruits and veggies, time to bring them back. So wish me luck and come along for the ride.