Monday, November 9, 2009

Battling the Big Bad Monster

I've suffered from depression for years. I was diagnosed in my early twenties after years of fighting it on my own. I developed generalized anxiety on top of the depression and that's what finally convinced me I needed help. Anyone with an anxiety disorder knows how debilitating it can be. For those who don't I'll give you a quick peak into what it was like. I would leave for work and get in the car. While driving to work I would worry about whether or not I locked the door to the house, repeatedly. Sometimes I would have to turn around and check. I'd worry about my dog and if she was OK while I was gone. Was she barking? Could the neighbors hear? Would they complain? Would we get in trouble with the landlord? What would we do then? Did I lock the door? Did I turn off the stove? Did I leave water for the dog? What if I get in a car accident? What if I'm late for work? And so on. My mind never stopped and it was exhausting. My doctor prescribed meds. and after a few tweaks and changes I felt a lot better.

Shortly after the birth of my first son I stopped taking my depression medication. I was on cloud 9 even though there were a lot of things in my life that were going wrong. I loved my son and there was no better feeling in the world to me than being a mom. Big Guy turned 5 this summer and I have for the most part handled my depression on my own since then. I did discover a few years ago that I suffer from PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder-think PMS times 10). I would take a Prozac like med. for two weeks a month and it helped. I often forgot to take it though, two weeks a month made it hard to get into a routine and before I knew it I stopped taking it altogether.

My depression comes in fits and storms. I know when I am feeling depressed and can usually pull myself out of it. Sometimes I feel down for a few days at a time, sometimes a little more or less but it's never anything life altering or major and most people around me don't even notice.

About a week and a half ago the big bad depression monster swallowed me whole. The pas few months have been tough. I've felt myself struggling to stay happy. After being so busy and on the go all summer the slower pace of Fall and Big Guy going to school threw me for a loop. I wasn't seeing my friends much because of different schedules, wasn't getting any time for myself, and I fell out of my exercise/diet routine. So I struggled but wasn't overly concerned and kept telling myself I'd get out of it, I just needed to find a new routine and I'd be good. It didn't happen and I hit a major depression. One day I just felt horrible. I really just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep, cry, stare at the ceiling, whatever. I wished someone would just come take my kids so I could be alone. I cried over everything, I did lay in bed some, I was miserable. I knew what had happened but could not find a way out. A few days before I had started taking my Prozac again, knowing that I was not recovering on my own, but it had not kicked in yet.

Am I better? Tough question. Better than that day? Yes. All better? No. I've been on the Prozac for over a week and not feeling a whole lot better. I'm hoping a little more time will help or else I'm going to have to go back and see my doc. for a change.

Weight wise, I suck. I've gained weight, nearly 10 pounds from my low. I comfort eat when I'm depressed and I clearly managed to do that. I feel like a failure band wise and feel like I am letting everyone down. I know, I know, everyone has problems and everyone struggles with things and I shouldn't feel like that but I do and frankly I know that doesn't help the depression. I just don't know what to do. Do I need a fill? Ugh, I dunno. I still get stuck a lot but mostly on things I probably shouldn't be eating or when I eat too fast. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I actually got full after eating a very small meal and I was hopeful. So a fill? My gut says no. Plus, I cannot imagine walking into the Bariatric center after gaining so much. UGH. I'm so overwhelmed by my failure with this I am finding it hard to find a place to start, know what I mean? I have a gym membership but have been struggling to find the time to get there without the kids b/c I can't afford to pay for them to play while I work out. I need to re-commit to walking when I don;t get to the gym so I am getting something.

Food has been especially hard lately. We are poor. I mean, paycheck to paycheck, and most times that's not enough poor. Do we pay the power bill or buy groceries? So yea, food has been hard. Shopping on a strict budget with two little ones to feed means a lot of our meals are protein less, carb filled, non weight loss surgery friendly meals.

So that's my update. It's not a happy one, it's not the one I wish I could post. I want to be successful again and I know I will be, I know it's in me I just have to crawl out of the depression monsters belly and get back to being me again.


  1. I hear you on the paycheck to paycheck front...I am lucky that we dont have kids, but I have found that eating healthy and buying ingredients is TONS cheaper than what we used to spend....but again, that's feeding just two people. We spend the bulk of our food money on meat, and then I just buy or make a side or two to go with it.

    I am sorry you are going through this dark time. Thank you for being honest and sharing.

  2. Man, I don't even know where to start. I also suffer from generalized anxiety and I am medicated for it but... not all days are so good. I am constantly up and down and dealing with weightloss while dealing with the mental stuff is so hard! I also feel like my weightloss can dictate my emotional side... so that becomes a nasty cycle. What has helped me the most is seeing a therapist. If that is an issue of money, then try to find some sort of support group.. not even for weightloss but just for something you can relate to.

    We are also struggling finacially and that can really get stressful. We have a big mortgage, big bills, and everything seems to be getting more expensive.

    Just know you aren't alone! Hopefully when you meds start really kicking in you will be able to have a little lighter shoulders!