Come On Out!

Now would be a great time for any and all lurkers to come on out and say hello!! The pre-op jitters have begun and I can use every ounce of encouragement you all can send my way. I know there are people reading this blog, that counter on the bottom keeps moving. Come out come out wherever you are!! :) To those of you who faithfully leave comments, thank you! It's nice to hear from you and your support is truly what keeps me going.

As for the pre-op jitters, yikes!! I'm back to thinking that I have already had 5 surgeries with no complications so I MUST be tempting fate by going in for another, right? UGH. It's not a horribly risky surgery but EVERY surgery has risks and I can't stop myself from thinking the worst. I'm also starting to stress about recovery. It seems most people either do really well and are up and around the next day with mild discomfort or people don't do well at all and it takes them weeks with a lot of pain. There seems to be very little middle ground. I am hoping, with all my might, that I will do well. With S being broken and on crutches I really need to be up and about as soon as I can. My mom will be coming to help as will S' mom but it's just not the same (if you know what I mean).

So come on out and leave a comment, I really need them right now :) THANKS!

Big Guy

Big Guy turns 5 in one month, where did the time go? I am very thankful for the boy that he has become. He is loving and kind, empathetic and a great friend. I truly could not ask for more. I am also lucky because Big Guy still likes to cuddle. He likes to cuddle on the couch watching cartoons, he likes to climb into my bed and cuddle and talk and he still likes to be picked up and held when he's tired or scared. The only problem is that Big Guy is getting, well, big. It's tiring to carry him around for any length of time. I do it whenever I can but wow, he's getting heavy.

Today I have officially lost the same number of pounds Big Guy weighs. I thought it was mind boggling when I lost a whole Little Guy but a Big Guy? Whoa. Had I really been carrying around an almost 5 year old? Huh? No wonder I was tired all the time, no wonder I didn't want to exercise, no wonder the stairs sent me into heavy breathing. I had been carrying around a small child 24/7.

Alas, I have lost a whole Big Guy. I'm hoping to lose at least another ;)

Pre-op Day 8 Ramblings

Every day on this pre-op diet is a challenge, some more than others. Some days I am fine and have little desire to cheat. Other days I crave food like there is no tomorrow and, sadly, I sometimes crack and eat. I haven't been horrible by any means; some extra meat, a few crackers, etc. I also never do it more than once a day. Still, it leads to a slight sense of failure and disappointment. This weight loss journey is about so much more than weight. I literally fight with myself all day long to stick to the plan and focus on the goal, it's all consuming. I have mood swings that cry out for Prozac and I feel badly for the people around me whom witness them. I am doing the best that I can and I try to remind myself of that but when you fall short of who you want to be it's hard not to beat yourself up. I am so ready for this journey, more than I ever have been in my life but I can honestly say it's nothing like what I expected.

So in the spirit of trying to stay positive and look toward the future I am going to list some of the things that have already changed for the good.

* I am wearing a size 20 in some bottoms and all of my shirts are getting to be way too big.
* People are noticing the loss now and commenting on how good I look.
* My rings are all too big.
* I had to move the seat in my car up b/c my ass is shrinking.
* I went to a baseball game and fit comfortably in the seat.
* I can bend over to tie my shoes AND breathe at the same time.
* I ran an entire lap around the high school track. I LOVE to run and am soooo happy to be able to start.
* My kids are so much more aware of healthy foods and exercise than they ever were and I see them making better choices.
* All of my walking routes need to be lengthened b/c I am finishing them a lot faster.
* I can run up the stairs of my apartment and not be out of breath (walking them used to be strenuous).
* When I am laying down I can feel my ribs and breastbone.

I am very happy about the progress that I have made and so hopeful for the changes that are yet to come.

Power

It's silver, digital and sits in the corner of my bathroom. It doesn't sound like much but this small object has so much power and control over me it's crazy. If you haven't guess, it's my scale. Some days I love it and some days I want to throw it out the window and watch it shatter into a bazillion pieces. Today is one of those days. This pre-op diet has been no picnic (literally). Yesterday morning though when the scale went down I felt so much better about it, it was working! I started to feel less anxious about surgery day, I have HUGE anxiety that I won't have lost enough and get cancelled. This morning I was looking forward to stepping on the scale. Yesterday I was super busy and ate very, very little plus I went for a nice walk. So I stepped on, watched the lines dance around and the results were.........I gained nearly a pound. Huh?? What? I'm sorry what did you say? It's so frustrating and disheartening. I know there are many reasons for the fluctuation and I have no doubt it will be gone in a heartbeat but....I didn't lose anything. Seriously, why am I working so hard at this for that. Sigh......here's hoping tomorrow is better, I can't handle the ups and downs of this game.

Pre-op Day 3

I have hope. The past two days have been miserable. I've been hungry but nothing I am allowed to eat sounded good. I have been craving something as simple as crackers and fruit. I struggle with wanting to cheat but know that I am doing the right thing and the guilt/fear wouldn't be worth it. This morning feels different. I may not feel this way come afternoon but for now I am hopeful. The scale dropped nearly two pounds this AM so that is pretty motivating. For my kids sake let's all hope that the sugar withdrawal is coming to an end and the raving lunatic that replaced their mommy is gone.

Pre-Admission Testing

Today was my pre-admission testing day. It went really well. I had to fill out a brief health questionnaire, give blood, have an EKG, do vitals and meet with a nurse to discuss instructions. I was out in about 30 minutes. The worse part was the blood. The phlebotomist needs a new profession. She was having a hard time finding a vein and then found one that rolled a little. She used the alcohol wipe and cleaned her finger so she could use that to help stabilize the vein. It didn't work. She kept having to move the needle and fish around ~ OUCH! I survived, it's done, I'm moving on. In talking with the nurse she said that she has actually seen my surgeon weigh people on surgery day and then cancel their surgery b/c they have failed to lose weight. Scary. I started my pre-op diet, designed to help you drop pounds FAST, so the rational part of my brain tells me everything will be fine. The irrational part is a whole different story.

Pre-op diet has been OK. I would literally KILL for crackers with peanut butter right now but I am not allowed. I'm nauseous and head achy but I hear that's from the lack of carbs and sugar. Fun. I have a feeling that the next few days are not going to be pretty. I apologize to everyone now :)

Approval

Today I got the letter from my insurance company approving my surgery, yay!! I'm trying to stay positive that it will all work out. The major problem I am facing right now s that my partner broke her ankle the other day and may need surgery. Even without surgery she'll still be casted for a while. I'm faced with a major decision here. Part of me thinks I should postpone my surgery since one of us needs to be able bodied to take care of the kids and part of me thinks I should just go for it and we'll figure it out. Thoughts??