I've Been Hiding

It's hard to come here time and again and announce all of my failures to you all. So many of you are fellow lap banders and are doing amazingly well. I read the other lap band blogs and feel such a sense of failure, disappointment in myself, disgust, sadness, etc. It's really hard because I know it's all my own fault. I've not done what I was supposed to, not followed all the rules, and worse not put myself first in my life. I've re-gained, more. I hate it but just haven't been able to do anything about it. There's a list of reasons excuses and some of them carry some weight and validity and some don't. All I can say is that life has been crazy, thrown a lot my way and in it I lost me! I caught a glimpse of me the other day hanging onto a cliff by one finger and I threw myself a rope. I can't lose myself, then who would I be?

So, I waited until I had something positive to say before I blogged, some "there you go, I'm on the right track" thing. Yesterday I went to the gym. I hadn't been in a long time and I really did not want to go. I felt intimidated by it again. I had every reason not to go yesterday. Little Guy has been sick, we're trying to figure out the cause of a chronic cough and he's miserable. He woke at 4:30 yesterday coughing and gagging. At 6 when I went to leave him with DP to go to the gym he was pathetic "don't go mommy" "need you mommy" " me don't feel too good mommy" "me want to cuddle with you" and on and on. Looking at his face it would have been the easiest thing to scrap the gym plans and cuddle up on the couch and watch Clifford. however, I didn't. I knew he'd be fine with DP and I left. It hurt, a lot but it was what I had to do.....for me. After the gym I worked REALLY hard at making good food choices and I did all day until I went out to dinner with a friend. At least I didn't eat crap all day AND go out to dinner, right? Right? :) Anyway, scale was down 2 pounds from the highest I've seen post op so now I've got to keep it going.