I've been gone for quite a while and I am sure you all know why. I failed. It's embarrassing to come here and tell you all that but I figure by now most of you either know or presumed that's why I dropped off.
Now, why did I fail? I stopped focusing on me. My entire life I have been a giver, care taker, selfless. I gave to everyone around me, except for me.
When I was preparing for lap band surgery I made a huge effort and put myself first. It wasn't easy and there were reasons (excuses) to use around every corner. I had young kids, a blind partner, we were poor, I was tired, whatever. For a solid year I did well putting me first and then something happened, I stopped. I can't pinpoint the day or why but I did. It happened around the time I had surgery. You see, I was working so hard at losing weight pre-surgery and it was HARD. Every single piece of food I put in my mouth I questioned and every single mile I walked hurt. I promised myself that help was on the way though. I promised myself that if I made it to surgery I would then have help. I made promises to myself that I shouldn't have because it didn't happen.
The band didn't help. It made it harder. I couldn't find the right amount of fluid in my band, gained weight right off the operating table and by then I was tired and worn down and I quit. I had hear stories of people who didn't have to work at it. They could just eat and the band stopped them from eating too much and even without exercise they dropped weight. I hoped and prayed to a God I don't believe in that I would be one of those people. I tried to follow the band rules but mentally I couldn't take another day of fighting, I just didn't have it in me. For years I tried to half heartedly follow the lap band rules but honestly it was easier not to and I didn't.
Some days I was happy just to get my butt up off the couch because the depression that ensued was so horrible. I failed myself, I failed my supporters, I failed my kids. I can't tell you what that did to my psyche. It wasn't pretty, still isn't. There were medications for the depression, horrible side effects, months lost to sleep which was the only time I didn't loathe myself. I was a bad mother, there but not present. I worked through it, on my own, in my head and slowly began to hate myself less. I'm still not the same person I was a few years ago.
Before surgery I was scared .Everyone told me not to be scared but really I was scared about what would happen if the surgery didn't work. Fast forward a few years and here I sit without a lap band, I had it removed the day before Thanksgiving this year. My fears were valid and the band was not for me. My surgeon was kind (a side I had not seen before) and said it was not my fault entirely. It seems the band is not the miracle tool it was once though to be. My surgeon's office isn't even going to be doing them anymore because the success rate is so low.
My weight is and has been right back up to where I was when I first started the lap band process. I was 306 then and I am 299 now. For a while I was closer to 310 but I lost 10 pounds last summer and have managed to keep it off. I bounce up and down a few pounds but this is where I consistently fall. I'm fat, morbidly obese and I limit my social interactions because of it. Everywhere I go I feel fat and unattractive. I hate my clothes but it's all that fits. I have social anxiety because of my weight, I've lost friends, and lost my sense of self.
I haven't been able to get back on the healthy bandwagon. It's really hard to feel like you will be successful when you were such a failure before even with medical intervention. It's this mental hurdle and I get to a point where I think I can make it over and then I jump and smash into it and fall flat on my face. I have not been able to start and stick with anything related to being healthy. I don't know how to get past this hurdle but I do know that it needs to be done. I don't have huge goals either. I really would just be happy to get back down to 250. I'm sure once I am there I will want more but really 250 means I fit in a plane seat, don't worry about breaking chairs when I sit, fit in amusement park rides and can buy clothes that aren't from Omar the tent maker.
So, that's where I've been, where I am now. Trying like hell to jump this hurdle and get going. Today I've eaten well and been out for two walks. I am trying to feel optimistic about that but feel like I could blow it at any moment. I have no confidence in my ability to this, I don't know how to change that.
Whole 30: Days 3 & 4
19 hours ago