Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bear With Me

This could end up being one of those long dis-jointed posts that barely makes sense, so bear with me.

I was super excited to hit the 65 pound mark today. It means I now weigh 241 and am sooo close to hitting the 230's...maybe by Monday?? Every time I hit a milestone though I pause for some reflection. Back in November I was miserable with my size, miserable. I knew I had gained weight and thought I was in the 290's, I was 306. I went to see my PCP b/c I thought for sure there had to be some medical reason for the gain. I had gained 30+ pounds in 6 months or so. My PCP, Allison, tested my thyroid and all came back normal. I was devastated. Really? It's just me and I'm slowly killing myself with food? I never thought then that I would be able to turn it around. Even after deciding on lap band I had little faith. I thought I'd be one of the few people that the band doesn't work for. Look at me now! I'm down 65 pounds and many sizes and inches and can do so much more than I could then. I am more comfortable in my body (still have a way to go), and now believe that I will continue to be succesful.

I am so proud of how much weight I lost pre-band, 45 pounds. I proved a lot to myself in that time and it made me a different person. It reminded me how strong I really I am and gave me a boost of confidence that was long overdue.

My weight loss ticker used to be daunting......100 pounds??? Who was I kidding? I could never lose more than 30 and could NEVER keep it off. Now?? Well, I am more than half way there and I love watching the numbers change in my favor. Sure there are days when I curse the damn thing b/c it hasn't moved in too long but those days are few and far between.

Lately I've caught a few episodes of the show Ruby on Style. She is an obese woman losing weight. She has a team of doctors, trainers, and support helping her and her progress has been amazing. Yesterday's episode (re-run) made me cry. She went out to a restaurant with an old boyfriend and was having a good time until some rude men starting making remarks about her weight and being, well, stupid and juvenile in my opinion. Ruby's comment about the whole thing is what brought the tears. She said something to the effect of; you are out having a good time and not thinking about being obese and then someone does or says something to remind you. You know you are fat but sometimes you are having such a good time that it's not the focus in your mind, until....stupidity. I know exactly what she means. There are days that I feel so good about how I look, where I am weight wise, etc. and then something happens.....a stare, a comment, a narrow chair. There are reminders everywhere that you are not the norm and that you are fat.

I did start walking again! Go me!! It feels good and definitely helps on the scale front. I never used to mind walking alone at night but one night about a week ago I went out alone and some high school or college kids went by in a pick up. They shouted some obscenties and flipped me off. It was unnerving. I am trying not to let it get to me and also trying to get out while it is still a little light out. For now I'll stick to the main roads with lots of traffic and lights. I hate feeling insecure in my own neighborhood, it's a nice place. I'm sure it was just some random thing but, well you know.

So, yup, long winded and dis-jointed. If you made it this far thanks! Stay tuned for more random ramblings.

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