Anyone still here? I've let you down......

I've been gone for quite a while and I am sure you all know why.  I failed.  It's embarrassing to come here and tell you all that but I figure by now most of you either know or presumed that's why I dropped off.

Now, why did I fail?  I stopped focusing on me.  My entire life I have been a giver, care taker, selfless.  I gave to everyone around me, except for me.

When I was preparing for lap band surgery I made a huge effort and put myself first.  It wasn't easy and there were reasons (excuses) to use around every corner.  I had young kids, a blind partner, we were poor, I was tired, whatever.  For a solid year I did well putting me first and then something happened, I stopped.  I can't pinpoint the day or why but I did.  It happened around the time I had surgery. You see, I was working so hard at losing weight pre-surgery and it was HARD.  Every single piece of food I put in my mouth I questioned and every single mile I walked hurt.  I promised myself that help was on the way though.  I promised myself that if I made it to surgery I would then have help.  I made promises to myself that I shouldn't have because it didn't happen.

The band didn't help.  It made it harder.  I couldn't find the right amount of fluid in my band, gained weight right off the operating table and by then I was tired and worn down and I quit. I had hear stories of people who didn't have to work at it.  They could just eat and the band stopped them from eating too much and even without exercise they dropped weight.  I hoped and prayed to a God I don't believe in that I would be one of those people.   I tried to follow the band rules but mentally I couldn't take another day of fighting, I just didn't have it in me.  For years I tried to half heartedly follow the lap band rules but honestly it was easier not to and I didn't.

Some days I was happy just to get my butt up off the couch because the depression that ensued was so horrible.  I failed myself, I failed my supporters, I failed my kids.  I can't tell you what that did to my psyche.  It wasn't pretty, still isn't.  There were medications for the depression, horrible side effects, months lost to sleep which was the only time I didn't loathe myself.  I was a bad mother, there but not present.  I worked through it, on my own, in my head and slowly began to hate myself less.  I'm still not the same person I was a few years ago.
Before surgery I was scared .Everyone told me not to be scared but really I was scared about what would happen if the surgery didn't work.  Fast forward a few years and here I sit without a lap band, I had it removed the day before Thanksgiving this year. My fears were valid and the band was not for me.  My surgeon was kind (a side I had not seen before) and said it was not my fault entirely.  It seems the band is not the miracle tool it was once though to be.  My surgeon's office isn't even going to be doing them anymore because the success rate is so low.  

My weight is and has been right back up to where I was when I first started the lap band process.  I was 306 then and I am 299 now.  For a while I was closer to 310 but I lost 10 pounds last summer and have managed to keep it off.  I bounce up and down a few pounds but this is where I consistently fall.  I'm fat, morbidly obese and I limit my social interactions because of it.  Everywhere I go I feel fat and unattractive.  I hate my clothes but it's all that fits.  I have social anxiety because of my weight, I've lost friends, and lost my sense of self. 

I haven't been able to get back on the healthy bandwagon.  It's really hard to feel like you will be successful when you were such a failure before even with medical intervention.  It's this mental hurdle and I get to a point where I think I can make it over and then I jump and smash into it and fall flat on my face.  I have not been able to start and stick with anything related to being healthy.  I don't know how to get past this hurdle but I do know that it needs to be done.  I don't have huge goals either.  I really would just be happy to get back down to 250.  I'm sure once I am there I will want more but really 250 means I fit in a plane seat, don't worry about breaking chairs when I sit, fit in amusement park rides and can buy clothes that aren't from Omar the tent maker.

So, that's where I've been, where I am now.  Trying like hell to jump this hurdle and get going.  Today I've eaten well and been out for two walks.  I am trying to feel optimistic about that but feel like I could blow it at any moment.  I have no confidence in my ability to this, I don't know how to change that. 

Fill 'Er Up

I got my fill on Tuesday. It took two sticks which isn't the worst I've ever had it so I'll take it. She put in 2 CC's and brought me up to 5.2.

We talked about how I had gotten off track and how I was ready to get back on track. She asked about food; whether I was getting stuck a lot, hungry a lot, etc. I told her I could eat just about anything including all the taboo foods such as bread, pasta and rice. She was shocked. So yea, I got 2 CC's which is the max they will give you at one time. I go back in one month to weigh in and see if I need more.

The scale.....sigh. It was bad. I don't think I need to say more than that. I'm moving on.......

I did liquids and mushies for Tuesday and most of yesterday. I did give in and eat real food at dinner and I didn't have any trouble. I didn't get stuck and quite frankly I didn't feel really full either even after eating a large portion. Sigh again. Looks like I will need to get stuck again next month. Boo.

I'm not really keeping track of the scale and weight thing here at home so I'll let you know next month how the weight thing is going. Deal? Thanks.

Shift

I've spent the last few days making a shift in my mind. It's been tough and trust me, not easy. I've done a little bit of the last meal syndrome, as well, as the fill gets closer. I've definitely eaten a few things I should have passed on b/c I know post-fill they will be a no-go again. All in all though I think I am ready for the fill and the post-fill changes I need to make.

Last night Sadie and I took the boys to the playground and I brought a tennis racket and balls. As a kid I grew up across from a high school and spent many an hour hitting tennis balls off the brick walls. Last night I did the same thing and it felt great. I got a great workout and left very sweaty and tired. Big Guy tried to join in and did really well for his first time with a tennis racket. Hopefully he'll continue to practice and love it as much as I do.

That's all for now. Still nervous as heck about tomorrow but still going to go.

Which Way Is Up?

Can anyone please answer me that? I've lost my way, big time. It's been a YEAR since I focused, truly focused, on my weight. There are so many reasons why, some are excuses and some are genuine reasons.

I was depressed, am depressed. Some days are better than others, some months better than others. I like the meds (Effexor) I am on now but hate that I NEED them. Does that make sense? Sometimes the depression is a true sad feeling and other times it's just this lack of enjoyment and motivation. I can literally spend the entire day on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights reruns and eating crap. One of the hardest things for me about depression is that I don't talk to my friends/family about it. I feel like they're over it, expect me to be better by now and don't want to hear about it. Blah.

There are two other things standing in my way of really focusing on me. Big guy and Little guy. Not only do I spend so much time and energy on them because they are busy guys in preschool and First grade but, I put them before me. I use my energy to make sure I do everything I can for them and leave little to nothing left for me. I also put them first with food. It's no secret to most of you we are poor. Food is expensive and despite what a lot of people say to the contrary healthy food is more expensive. I tend to buy the stuff the kids like and I know they will eat; pastas, rice, mac and cheese, etc. I make sure they get healthy foods too but here's the tough part. If you can only afford so much healthy food there isn't a lot to go around. That means, for me anyway, that the kids get it and I don't. I end up grazing and snacking on whatever I can find and it's very rarely the healthy stuff.

Sigh......I know I need to take care of me and who will take care of them if I am not here? I get it but putting it into practice is entirely different. I don't even know how I did it before, how I managed to focus on my health and eating healthy for a year and lose all that weight. How did I do it?

In order for me to be successful in weight loss again I know at least two things. 1) I need a fill.
2) I need to make and keep regular appts. for weigh in's so I can keep it real.

So I called the center and made an appt. to meet with the nurse and get a fill and I will make follow up appointments while I am there. I know she will help me get back on track.

It's going to be hard and it's an even harder pill to swallow b/c I'm starting over, again. My biggest fear going into lap band surgery was that it wouldn't work for me and where would that leave me. Well ladies and gentlemen, it leaves me here. Almost back to my highest weight and more depressed than I was pre-surgery. I had put all my hope into this surgery and over this year my hopes have been dashed. Is it the band's fault? Hell no. I know I didn't do my part. I guess I didn't realize how hard my part would be. I still struggle with food and hunger just as much as I did pre-band. I have this tiny glimmer of hope that someday I will find the "sweet spot" in my band and I won't struggle as much but it really is a tiny tiny glimmer........

I've learned a lot this year. I've learned who's on my side and who is not. I've learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I've learned that there are no miracle cures and quick fixes. I've learned that there's a lot more to me than my weight. I've learned that the people who love me will love me no matter what the scale says. I've learned that I need to love myself more.

So I'm back people. I get my fill Tuesday and I am TERRIFIED. I am worried she'll have a hard time accessing the port b/c of the weight gain, I'm worried I'll have to weigh in and she'll be disappointed, I'm worried I'll be too tight or not tight enough. Until then I am working on things mentally so I can recommit to this process. Wish me luck.

Tears

I had someone say something to me the other day and it made me cry. They said "you were my inspiration". Now, it wasn't you were my inspiration and that's how I did this it was you WERE my inspiration as in used to be, you know, before you failed at this weight loss, lap band thing. Sigh. It hurt, I hurt. I have plenty of guilt and anger towards myself for failing. I am not happy where I am. I am not happy with the weight I've regained. I know a lot of people were rooting for me and I let them down but that comment........it hurt.

A Wrench in the Works

So, here I am. Barely. The Zoloft was great for a bit and then things started going downhill again. Basically I have not felt well since last Fall and it's starting to wear on me. I'm being tested for lots of medical issues but so far nothing. Here are my symptoms:

1) Exhaustion (not just tired....we're talking nap every few hours and still want more EXHAUSTED)
2) hot flashes
3) almost passed out twice
4) headaches
5) feeling foggy or fuzzy ALL the time. It's like that feeling when you are just starting to get drunk and everything slows down a little. It's horrible.
6) nipple discharge ( I have NEVER had this before and it's lasted over a month)


That's most of it. I am really just tired all the time. I have no energy. None. I can't even think about exercise because quite frankly getting out of bed and showering usually results in napping. I have nothing left to give.

The tests I've had:

1) prolactin level: normal
2) TSH level: normal
3) blood count: normal except that my red cells were small and pale
4) Vitamin D level: waiting for result
5) B12 level: waiting for result

We've switched my antidepressant and while it is working for the depression everything else remains the same. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol slightly elevated.......hmmm.....can't think of what else.

I'm starting to feel like I am crazy and it's all in my head but I know it's not. I am also starting to feel like I may never get an answer or get better.

So that's why I've been away.

A Happy and Healthy Family Weekend

Now that the weather is starting to be better we've been spending a lot more time outside as a family. This weekend was on the chilly side (30's and 40's) but we still managed to get out there and have fun.

Saturday I got to go out with a friend and do some shopping. Window shopping only for me, but it was really nice to get out. I needed a little time for me and I felt all the better for it. We went to Friendly's for lunch and I had a chicken wrap and was so full after I couldn't eat my fries. I think I had 3 in total. Nice. Once I got home the family and I headed to one of our favorite local parks for a hike. We explored a new trail and had so much fun! We hiked for almost 2 hours and did lots of exploring and climbing. At the end we stopped to watch the river flowing over the damn and found some amazing icicle formations. Alas, I did not have my camera. Boo.

Sunday we went to my in laws. On the way we stopped at a friend's horse barn to play with the horses and feed them carrots. It's always a good time. There was one young horse loose in the yard that followed us all around as we visited, too cute. The boys are so good with the horses. Big Guy has no fear and pets and feeds them, love it! Little Guy is still a little skittish and refuses to try feeding them for now. He did really well with the one following us around though. We're getting there. Once at the Grandparents we played a rousing game of baseball as a family. Big Guy is baseball obsessed lately and likes us all to get in the game. It always turns into a giggle fest and we get a lot of exercise running around. We also went on a hike on a trail behind their house. We had to bring wood to build a bridge over a brook but we did it! Hooray for being adventurous!

On the way home from the in laws I couldn't get my mind off the icicle pictures that could have been so we stopped by the house and I grabbed my camera. Off to the park we went! Little Guy was sleepy from the car ride and opted to ride in the stroller but Big Guy was AMAZING. He wanted in on all of the action. I was feeling adventurous myself so we scaled down some steep river banks to get better photos and had so much fun in the process. When we were done I was trying to lead him to a spot that was an easier climb back up but the little mountain goat that he is climbed straight up the vertical bank that was at least 8 feet tall. He never even lost his footing. Crazy. So, not wanting to be outdone by a 5 year old I followed and made it. I love that he pushes me to try things I wouldn't normally.

Lots and lots of exercise for all of this weekend and it felt good. Also lots of "real" moments as a family which are what I live for.