Thankful

As most of you know, things here are pretty tough right now. We are beyond broke, I've gained weight, etc. With all of that there are many many things I am thankful for and I want to focus on the positive.

I am thankful my kids don't feel the effects of our economic state. Aside from saying no to Dunkin Donuts and eating out they really don't know the difference.

I am thankful to weigh a lot less now than I did a year ago.

I am thankful that I won't hate the way I look in photos at Xmas this year.

I am thankful that this year I don't have to worry about having a reliable vehicle.

I am thankful for some great friendships that have formed this year.

I am thankful that I have two little boys who "love me to the moon and back" and request to cuddle on a daily basis.

I am thankful that starting my own photo. business was successful and I made enough money to buy some presents for my boys for Xmas.

I am thankful for the support of people who read this blog.

There are many more things I am thankful for but that's what pops up right away in my mind. We may be poor in terms of money but we are rich in so many other ways that are much more important.

A Delicate Balance

My un-fill has felt heavenly. Problem? Too heavenly. I've been able to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I want. Last night? I ate a fast food burger on a bun....I hadn't had one since June. It tasted sooooooo good. But was it the right choice? Of course not. I suppose it would have been OK had I not spent the day eating everything that wasn't nailed down and didn't follow it sampling every one of the desserts on a sweets tray gift from a friend.

So this morning I have eaters remorse and the scale definitely showed me who's boss. It's not so much the number that's bothering me but the fact that I feel fat. I feel like I've gained as much as the scale says. My pants are tight, my spare tire is sticking out, yuck. I feel like I did at 306, yucky.

I had no idea .5 cc's would do so much. Thankfully I have an appt. to go back and see her in a week and a half. I def. think I'll need to put a little of that back in. It's such a delicate balance when .5 cc's makes the difference between getting stuck EVERY day and being able to eat anything. Wow.

I'm trying not to let the scale determine how I feel about myself but yes, I am disappointed in where I am. THis is definitely not where I wanted to be at Christmas. My goal for Christmas was the 220's and I am FAR from that right now. But then, my goal for the Fall was definitely not to be hit with a major depression and not to be struggling so hard with finances so I guess even the best laid plans and goals don't always work. As a control freak/perfectionist it's hard for me to admit defeat but hey, it happens to the best of us.

So, where to go from here? Back to the gym for me! Starting Monday (their weekend hours are nearly non existent) I will set the alarm and go early in the morning and start my day on the right foot. I haven't decided how many days a week yet but will sit down with the calendar and come up with a plan. Next week I also start a new babysitting job Tuesdays and Fridays, hooray for income! I feel like things are starting to come around, like everything is falling into place where it was once up in the air.

I've learned a lot about myself this Fall. I've learned that sometimes you have no choice but to let go of the control and let what will be, be. It stinks that my weight loss journey was affected by the lesson in a negative way but I think that in the long run it will be helpful. I enter this Winter a much different person than last and am looking forward to starting another New Year with my new skills, weight, me.

Oh Thank God

I can eat again!! I did not get stuck once yesterday. No pain, no PB, no sliming. It was heaven! I ate more than I should have b/c, well simply, I COULD! LOL. I hope to get that under control again but it felt soooooo good to eat and not hurt and not get sick. Wow.

In other news it's a snowy day here!! Big guy was scheduled to have the day off anyway but the snow is a nice bonus. I'm hoping we'll get to go out and play in it before it starts turning to rain, blech. The plans for today are snow play, cocoa, a movie, and painting our handmade ornaments for the tree. I'm sure we'll be done everything and bored by noon but we'll wing it ;)

The depression is much, much better. I had a sneaking suspicion the Prozac was making it worse and decided to try stopping it and what a difference. Wow. I'm snappy right now but hope that's just a withdrawal side effect and will pass.

Things here financially are pretty tough. We've had some issues with S' student loans and can no longer put them in forebearance and are being forced to pay on them each month for the next 9 months. I cannot begin to describe what a hardship this is for us. We were barely (and most of the time not) making ends meet and to be out an extra $250 a month pushes us way into poverty. The photo. business has slowed down now that Xmas is getting so close and the weather is changing. I've picked up a babysitting job a few days a week and decided yesterday to cash out my teeny tiny 401K. I figured there wasn't much there but it would keep us out of the food pantry for a few months. I've thought about full time work but the cost of child care doesn't really make it make sense.

For now we're making the most of what we have. Thankfully I socked away all the income from photo shoots and was able to buy the boys each 7 presents for Xmas. We cut down a tree behind S' parents house and while it's a little funky and non traditional it was fun and free. I've been using the ingredients I have around the house to do holiday craft projects with the boys including salt dough ornaments and glittery pine cones. I don't want the boys to know how bad off we are so I try to keep things as normal as possible. It's hard though, hard to say no to them when they ask for things. I know it's not a big deal but it's still hard.

UN-fill

I've gained weight. More than I care to talk about but it's significant. Many people would think I needed a fill but I thought long and hard about it, emailed my nurse and today went in for my first unfill. I was eating "slider" foods because I knew they would go down without pain. Anytime I ate anything of substance I got stuck. Meat, crackers, potatoes. OUCH. It happened so often that the kids got used to mommy running to the bathroom and would say "Aw, poor mommy". My 5 year old starting saying he was sorry I got stuck. When your 5 year old starts using band lingo you know you are in trouble. I was worried. Every time I get stuck it results in a PB or worse. I cannot handle the pain/feeling and get sick every time. I worry about what I did to my band and stomach. I've known for a while I need an unfill but didn't want to face the scale at the Bariatric center knowing I had gained. So I emailed the nurse and told her my concerns and she agreed I needed an unfill and said not to worry about the gain and that sometimes life gets the best of us. It was the perfect thing to say and I immediately called and made an appt. I got in first thing this AM and Holly (nurse) didn't even make me weigh in. THANK YOU!! She knew I was stressing about it and let it go. So nice. So she took out .5 cc's of my 5.25 and I am already hopeful. SInce my last fill breakfast has been impossible and I've been too tight to eat anything until at least noon. I came home from the unfill hungry and a little nauseous so I sat down with a few saltines and they went down, no problem. Phew, I feel so much better. I am hopeful that I now that I will be able to eat the right foods again I will get back on the losing side of things.

Random Thoughts

Random thought #1:
The past week has gone really well food and exercise wise. I have dropped 7 of the extra 10 pounds, so 3 to go back to my low! And then, the 230's! I was sitting here trying to think about what the difference was, what clicked and made me eat less/better when I realized it wasn't so much that something clicked but that I started to care again. Woohoo Prozac. I still feel kind of in a fog and everything still feels gray but gray is better than black, right? I now realize that those months when I couldn't get my head in the game and was eating whatever I wanted it was because I just didn't care, it wasn't important to me anymore which really means I wasn't important to me anymore. Hello depression! So, I'm glad I do care again and that the changes are making a difference. It's always my fear that I'll return to good eating behaviors and exercise and I won't lose.

Random thought #2:
It has been a year since I started this process. I don't remember the date exactly that I decided I would do this but it was around the beginning of November. I went to my program's seminar at the end of November and it all went on from there. In a year I managed to lose 65 pounds, wow. Considering 45 pounds of that was on my own, pre-banding in July, I'm pretty excited. I definitely proved to myself that I could do it and I know that my success over the past year is what keeps me saying that I know I WILL lose the weight. I feel confident about it now because I have been successful. I am also happy that over this past year I yo-yo'd a little but I always get back to my low, and lower. I could never say that before. During any other diet in my life if I regained at all chances were I would throw in the towel and give up. Not now.

Random thought #3:
Someday I will look back on this post and smile. I am glad that I write about my journey so that in the years to come I can look back and see how far I've come.

I'm Trying!

That darn depression monster just won't let go. Seriously, I see that little orange monster dude from the weight watchers commercial when I say that. Things are better but I don't feel back to normal if that makes sense. I've kind of been in a fog and I'm not sure if that's the depression or the meds. or both, but, blech.

I refilled my BP meds. and lost a few pounds in water weight going back on those (yay!). Now I'm just up 6 pounds from my low which is WAAAAYYYY better than the 10 or so I was. I've been eating less (and better) and walking more. It's taking huge effort on my part to do it though and not just give in to the mood and sit down with a bucket 'o cheese balls and watch TV.

Thankfully, I've been busy with work. That photo business I started a month ago has taken off a little :) This week I had 6 shoots scheduled. I've done 2, one rescheduled due to an illness and I have 3 scheduled this weekend. Not bad for someone starting out I'd say. For the most part I love it. I love taking pictures, editing pictures, organizing all my paperwork, etc. It keeps me busy and gives me a new purpose. I'm not a huge fan of the customer service aspect and some people are just plain difficult to deal with. I also don't like having to direct people in a shoot, it still feels awkward to me. Oh well, I'll get over it.

So this is me, plugging along, trying to find the sun through the clouds.

Battling the Big Bad Monster

I've suffered from depression for years. I was diagnosed in my early twenties after years of fighting it on my own. I developed generalized anxiety on top of the depression and that's what finally convinced me I needed help. Anyone with an anxiety disorder knows how debilitating it can be. For those who don't I'll give you a quick peak into what it was like. I would leave for work and get in the car. While driving to work I would worry about whether or not I locked the door to the house, repeatedly. Sometimes I would have to turn around and check. I'd worry about my dog and if she was OK while I was gone. Was she barking? Could the neighbors hear? Would they complain? Would we get in trouble with the landlord? What would we do then? Did I lock the door? Did I turn off the stove? Did I leave water for the dog? What if I get in a car accident? What if I'm late for work? And so on. My mind never stopped and it was exhausting. My doctor prescribed meds. and after a few tweaks and changes I felt a lot better.

Shortly after the birth of my first son I stopped taking my depression medication. I was on cloud 9 even though there were a lot of things in my life that were going wrong. I loved my son and there was no better feeling in the world to me than being a mom. Big Guy turned 5 this summer and I have for the most part handled my depression on my own since then. I did discover a few years ago that I suffer from PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder-think PMS times 10). I would take a Prozac like med. for two weeks a month and it helped. I often forgot to take it though, two weeks a month made it hard to get into a routine and before I knew it I stopped taking it altogether.

My depression comes in fits and storms. I know when I am feeling depressed and can usually pull myself out of it. Sometimes I feel down for a few days at a time, sometimes a little more or less but it's never anything life altering or major and most people around me don't even notice.

About a week and a half ago the big bad depression monster swallowed me whole. The pas few months have been tough. I've felt myself struggling to stay happy. After being so busy and on the go all summer the slower pace of Fall and Big Guy going to school threw me for a loop. I wasn't seeing my friends much because of different schedules, wasn't getting any time for myself, and I fell out of my exercise/diet routine. So I struggled but wasn't overly concerned and kept telling myself I'd get out of it, I just needed to find a new routine and I'd be good. It didn't happen and I hit a major depression. One day I just felt horrible. I really just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep, cry, stare at the ceiling, whatever. I wished someone would just come take my kids so I could be alone. I cried over everything, I did lay in bed some, I was miserable. I knew what had happened but could not find a way out. A few days before I had started taking my Prozac again, knowing that I was not recovering on my own, but it had not kicked in yet.

Am I better? Tough question. Better than that day? Yes. All better? No. I've been on the Prozac for over a week and not feeling a whole lot better. I'm hoping a little more time will help or else I'm going to have to go back and see my doc. for a change.

Weight wise, I suck. I've gained weight, nearly 10 pounds from my low. I comfort eat when I'm depressed and I clearly managed to do that. I feel like a failure band wise and feel like I am letting everyone down. I know, I know, everyone has problems and everyone struggles with things and I shouldn't feel like that but I do and frankly I know that doesn't help the depression. I just don't know what to do. Do I need a fill? Ugh, I dunno. I still get stuck a lot but mostly on things I probably shouldn't be eating or when I eat too fast. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I actually got full after eating a very small meal and I was hopeful. So a fill? My gut says no. Plus, I cannot imagine walking into the Bariatric center after gaining so much. UGH. I'm so overwhelmed by my failure with this I am finding it hard to find a place to start, know what I mean? I have a gym membership but have been struggling to find the time to get there without the kids b/c I can't afford to pay for them to play while I work out. I need to re-commit to walking when I don;t get to the gym so I am getting something.

Food has been especially hard lately. We are poor. I mean, paycheck to paycheck, and most times that's not enough poor. Do we pay the power bill or buy groceries? So yea, food has been hard. Shopping on a strict budget with two little ones to feed means a lot of our meals are protein less, carb filled, non weight loss surgery friendly meals.

So that's my update. It's not a happy one, it's not the one I wish I could post. I want to be successful again and I know I will be, I know it's in me I just have to crawl out of the depression monsters belly and get back to being me again.