A Delicate Balance

My un-fill has felt heavenly. Problem? Too heavenly. I've been able to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I want. Last night? I ate a fast food burger on a bun....I hadn't had one since June. It tasted sooooooo good. But was it the right choice? Of course not. I suppose it would have been OK had I not spent the day eating everything that wasn't nailed down and didn't follow it sampling every one of the desserts on a sweets tray gift from a friend.

So this morning I have eaters remorse and the scale definitely showed me who's boss. It's not so much the number that's bothering me but the fact that I feel fat. I feel like I've gained as much as the scale says. My pants are tight, my spare tire is sticking out, yuck. I feel like I did at 306, yucky.

I had no idea .5 cc's would do so much. Thankfully I have an appt. to go back and see her in a week and a half. I def. think I'll need to put a little of that back in. It's such a delicate balance when .5 cc's makes the difference between getting stuck EVERY day and being able to eat anything. Wow.

I'm trying not to let the scale determine how I feel about myself but yes, I am disappointed in where I am. THis is definitely not where I wanted to be at Christmas. My goal for Christmas was the 220's and I am FAR from that right now. But then, my goal for the Fall was definitely not to be hit with a major depression and not to be struggling so hard with finances so I guess even the best laid plans and goals don't always work. As a control freak/perfectionist it's hard for me to admit defeat but hey, it happens to the best of us.

So, where to go from here? Back to the gym for me! Starting Monday (their weekend hours are nearly non existent) I will set the alarm and go early in the morning and start my day on the right foot. I haven't decided how many days a week yet but will sit down with the calendar and come up with a plan. Next week I also start a new babysitting job Tuesdays and Fridays, hooray for income! I feel like things are starting to come around, like everything is falling into place where it was once up in the air.

I've learned a lot about myself this Fall. I've learned that sometimes you have no choice but to let go of the control and let what will be, be. It stinks that my weight loss journey was affected by the lesson in a negative way but I think that in the long run it will be helpful. I enter this Winter a much different person than last and am looking forward to starting another New Year with my new skills, weight, me.