Tears

I had someone say something to me the other day and it made me cry. They said "you were my inspiration". Now, it wasn't you were my inspiration and that's how I did this it was you WERE my inspiration as in used to be, you know, before you failed at this weight loss, lap band thing. Sigh. It hurt, I hurt. I have plenty of guilt and anger towards myself for failing. I am not happy where I am. I am not happy with the weight I've regained. I know a lot of people were rooting for me and I let them down but that comment........it hurt.

A Wrench in the Works

So, here I am. Barely. The Zoloft was great for a bit and then things started going downhill again. Basically I have not felt well since last Fall and it's starting to wear on me. I'm being tested for lots of medical issues but so far nothing. Here are my symptoms:

1) Exhaustion (not just tired....we're talking nap every few hours and still want more EXHAUSTED)
2) hot flashes
3) almost passed out twice
4) headaches
5) feeling foggy or fuzzy ALL the time. It's like that feeling when you are just starting to get drunk and everything slows down a little. It's horrible.
6) nipple discharge ( I have NEVER had this before and it's lasted over a month)


That's most of it. I am really just tired all the time. I have no energy. None. I can't even think about exercise because quite frankly getting out of bed and showering usually results in napping. I have nothing left to give.

The tests I've had:

1) prolactin level: normal
2) TSH level: normal
3) blood count: normal except that my red cells were small and pale
4) Vitamin D level: waiting for result
5) B12 level: waiting for result

We've switched my antidepressant and while it is working for the depression everything else remains the same. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol slightly elevated.......hmmm.....can't think of what else.

I'm starting to feel like I am crazy and it's all in my head but I know it's not. I am also starting to feel like I may never get an answer or get better.

So that's why I've been away.

A Happy and Healthy Family Weekend

Now that the weather is starting to be better we've been spending a lot more time outside as a family. This weekend was on the chilly side (30's and 40's) but we still managed to get out there and have fun.

Saturday I got to go out with a friend and do some shopping. Window shopping only for me, but it was really nice to get out. I needed a little time for me and I felt all the better for it. We went to Friendly's for lunch and I had a chicken wrap and was so full after I couldn't eat my fries. I think I had 3 in total. Nice. Once I got home the family and I headed to one of our favorite local parks for a hike. We explored a new trail and had so much fun! We hiked for almost 2 hours and did lots of exploring and climbing. At the end we stopped to watch the river flowing over the damn and found some amazing icicle formations. Alas, I did not have my camera. Boo.

Sunday we went to my in laws. On the way we stopped at a friend's horse barn to play with the horses and feed them carrots. It's always a good time. There was one young horse loose in the yard that followed us all around as we visited, too cute. The boys are so good with the horses. Big Guy has no fear and pets and feeds them, love it! Little Guy is still a little skittish and refuses to try feeding them for now. He did really well with the one following us around though. We're getting there. Once at the Grandparents we played a rousing game of baseball as a family. Big Guy is baseball obsessed lately and likes us all to get in the game. It always turns into a giggle fest and we get a lot of exercise running around. We also went on a hike on a trail behind their house. We had to bring wood to build a bridge over a brook but we did it! Hooray for being adventurous!

On the way home from the in laws I couldn't get my mind off the icicle pictures that could have been so we stopped by the house and I grabbed my camera. Off to the park we went! Little Guy was sleepy from the car ride and opted to ride in the stroller but Big Guy was AMAZING. He wanted in on all of the action. I was feeling adventurous myself so we scaled down some steep river banks to get better photos and had so much fun in the process. When we were done I was trying to lead him to a spot that was an easier climb back up but the little mountain goat that he is climbed straight up the vertical bank that was at least 8 feet tall. He never even lost his footing. Crazy. So, not wanting to be outdone by a 5 year old I followed and made it. I love that he pushes me to try things I wouldn't normally.

Lots and lots of exercise for all of this weekend and it felt good. Also lots of "real" moments as a family which are what I live for.

Have you seen that commercial?

....you know, the one about depression where it talks about how it affects you physically and mentally and affects EVERYTHING in your life. Yea, that one. That's been me for many, many months. I tried the Prozac and got worse! I was more depressed; bad, bad, bad. Then I went off the Prozac; still depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to sleep all the time and sometimes I did. I was not a good mom, wife, me. I started to think that my friends and family would be better off without me. Bad. How did I get through my days? I ate. I ate every comfort food known to man and it made me feel better but guilty. I felt better because food offers me comfort, it always has. Guilty because I knew I was not doing the right thing. I had come so far in my weight loss journey and now was throwing it all out the window. Then the guilt went away because I didn't care. I knew what I was doing to myself and I didn't care. So what if I gained weight back? So what if it meant I was shaving years off my life? I didn't care. Did I mention things were bad?

Through all of this there were two things that got me out of bed every day and kept me from following through on dark thoughts. Big Guy and Little Guy. They are my world, my everything. I literally took every breath for them. They deserve a good mom and they deserve a good childhood and I knew I was messing that up. Coming from a not so great childhood I have vowed to be better, be more for them and I was failing but fighting.

I'm not sure many people realized how bad things were. If there's one thing I am good at, it's putting on a happy face. I'm a good actress. I think friends knew I was depressed but not how badly. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about the things I was thinking. I was desperately afraid someone would find out and I'd end up in a psych ward for a few days. Sometimes I longed for that to happen but couldn't bear the thought of being away from my boys.

Then, on top of the depression my anxiety disorder reared it's ugly head again. I worried about everything, all the time. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it. I couldn't sleep at night and would stay up stressing out about everything. Most night I slept little more than 2 hours. And, while I was up at night, I ate. My anxiety disorder sucks. I worry about everything and sometimes visualize a situation going horribly wrong. One day I had a friend I hadn't seen in years come over to my house. It was great to see her again and have company. At one point she laid her little boy on the floor to change his diaper and I had to step over him to get to the kitchen. In my head I could see myself miscalculating and stepping on his head. I could hear the scream and see the indentation in his skull. It sucks, it gives me panic attacks, it prevents me from doing things.

So about a month ago I had to meet my new PCP. My long time physician and friend left her practice and I was forced to find someone new. I was nervous. I met my her and loved her! Yay! I told her the anxiety was back and I had to fill out some questionnaires about how I was feeling and then she gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I used to take Zoloft and I loved it. I was hopeful. I don't know how to explain what it's like to feel your life coming back to you in bits and pieces. I found myself wanting to take the kids to the library, wanting to go outside with them to play, wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I am in no way 100% better yet. I know that. I think it will take a long time to be 100%. For now I am happy with my progress. I am happy that I was able to ask for help. I am happy that I can't even fathom thinking about not being around.

So on the weight front things are bad. I've failed. I have not worked my band, I have not followed the rules, I have gained a lot of weight back. Part of me is embarrassed and ashamed and part of me says tough sh*t. I did not take my life, I did not leave two little boys without a mom, I stared depression in the face and I fought back.

I know I need to get back to healthier habits and I am slowly. There are still times I find comfort in food and for now I am OK with that. This is one hell of a journey.

The Vampire Diet

No, no, I'm not drinking blood. I do, however, have vampires to thank for my weight loss this week. Let me explain. Last Thursday I started in with a renewed effort after getting on the scale and seeing a number I swore I never would again. I did OK TH and FRI and the weekend, as I remember it, was "eh". Then I started reading the Twilight saga. I had put it off a long time, it was not my kind of book. I finally gave in and figured I could at least "try" it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Monday I read Twilight, Tuesday was New Moon, Wednesday Eclipse came and went and Thursday I polished off Breaking Dawn. Wow. Addictive, addictive, addictive. My house is a mess from neglect and very little else got accomplished. I lost myself in the vampire coven and I also lost 7 pounds. How about that? Talk about transfer addiction huh? So yea.......maybe I need to find some more addictive reads out there b/c I'd rather be addicted to reading than eating.

Here We Go Again.....Food Journal

Breakfast: Slim Fast high protein shake
Snack: NONE
Lunch: 2oz tuna w/dab of mayo and chopped onion (got slightly stuck and stopped)
2nd Lunch: 3/4 C Greek Yogurt with sugar substitute and Black Cherry preserves (YUM!)
Snack: entire sleeve of Ritz wheat crackers. Really, the entire sleeve, wth?
Dinner: 4oz steak, 1/2 C roasted potatoes, 1/2 C butternut squash and 1/4 cup sauted brussels.
Snack:popcorn, 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

So I am adding crackers to my list of trigger foods. I obviously can't be trusted with them and they make me want other foods, like toppings. Mmm....peanut butter and jelly, cheese, etc. So, bye bye crackers.

After visiting Sparkpeople I think it comes out to around 1400 calories. Without the damn crackers it would have been much better. I did get 88 grams of protein though, that was good! All this food talk is making me hungry! Time to shower and figure out breakfast. I'm thinking Greek Yogurt but I have to wait until DP leaves. She's having her wisdom teeth out this AM and can't eat. I don't want to be cruel.

Not Sure I'll Ever Understand My Band

For weeks now I've been able to eat anything, very rarely getting stuck and if I did get stuck it was very mild and passed quickly. I could eat cake, bagels, pasta, rice, etc. Today I'm trying with every ounce of my being not to eat my way through the day. I had a slimfast this AM and just sat down with a plate of 6oz of tuna w/a little mayo and chopped onion and 1/3 through I got a little stuck. I stopped and it's passed but wow. Do you think your band tightens up if you follow the rules more? Does that make any sense? Whatever it is I am thankful for it. Now that the stuck feeling has passed I feel mildy full as well. I think I'll save the rest for later. I really want to eat more so I can taste more but that's not the right reason to eat and it's the behavior I most need to reel in. Baby steps....put the tuna away.