Fat Girl On The Move

I'm still fat but I'm working on it!

Where to begin....

The other night my landlady and I broke out some tennis rackets and headed over to the courts at the high school. It was a lot of fun!! We are both on the same level (one step up from horrible :) Last night we went again and had improved to pretty bad. The thing that I love is that it's a great workout and I am having FUN. I laugh and smile and sweat at the same time. I couldn't ask for more. I can't wait to play again.

When I was little I used to spend hours hitting a tennis ball against the wall of the high school across the street. I always wanted to pursue playing tennis in school but never had the guts because I was the fat girl and fat girls don't play sports. So, playing tennis now makes me feel like I am re-living a part of my life I never lived in the first place if that makes any sense.

Today I went to the Fitness Studio here in my town. The owners are the parents of a boy in Big Guy's class and we met at a play date the other day. I had a free assessment today and it was great. Stacey was wonderful and is setting me up with a workout plan. I set up an appt. for an assessment months ago when I first started losing weight but canceled due to a sick kid and nerves. I didn't feel worthy enough of a good trainer and gym. Keeping my appointment today felt good even though I was nervous. I know that I have come a long way in the past 9 months but I am a realist and know that I have a long way to go. Being overweight I have always been scared of working out in front of other people. I fear being judged. I felt awkward today and out of place but tried to put that aside and remind myself that I was there for me and other people's opinions don't matter. Stacey made me feel at home and was very encouraging. There was a lot of positive but let me tell ya, I am out of shape. I feel awkward and uncoordinated on the elliptical and I didn't miss the fact that my stomach is dangerously close to the console. I NEVER would have fit on it 65 pounds ago. It was one of those moments that reminded me I am still a big girl. Stacey later had me working with weights while on a ball. It was a great. She asked if I had ever worked out on a ball before and I said no. I was honest; I had always been afraid I'd pop the ball. She guaranteed that would not happen. Stacey taught me lots of great exercises and I am still feeling some of them and I didn't do many! Yikes.

So yup, the fat girl is on the move and hopefully that means the fat will be on the move out the door!

Bear With Me

This could end up being one of those long dis-jointed posts that barely makes sense, so bear with me.

I was super excited to hit the 65 pound mark today. It means I now weigh 241 and am sooo close to hitting the 230's...maybe by Monday?? Every time I hit a milestone though I pause for some reflection. Back in November I was miserable with my size, miserable. I knew I had gained weight and thought I was in the 290's, I was 306. I went to see my PCP b/c I thought for sure there had to be some medical reason for the gain. I had gained 30+ pounds in 6 months or so. My PCP, Allison, tested my thyroid and all came back normal. I was devastated. Really? It's just me and I'm slowly killing myself with food? I never thought then that I would be able to turn it around. Even after deciding on lap band I had little faith. I thought I'd be one of the few people that the band doesn't work for. Look at me now! I'm down 65 pounds and many sizes and inches and can do so much more than I could then. I am more comfortable in my body (still have a way to go), and now believe that I will continue to be succesful.

I am so proud of how much weight I lost pre-band, 45 pounds. I proved a lot to myself in that time and it made me a different person. It reminded me how strong I really I am and gave me a boost of confidence that was long overdue.

My weight loss ticker used to be daunting......100 pounds??? Who was I kidding? I could never lose more than 30 and could NEVER keep it off. Now?? Well, I am more than half way there and I love watching the numbers change in my favor. Sure there are days when I curse the damn thing b/c it hasn't moved in too long but those days are few and far between.

Lately I've caught a few episodes of the show Ruby on Style. She is an obese woman losing weight. She has a team of doctors, trainers, and support helping her and her progress has been amazing. Yesterday's episode (re-run) made me cry. She went out to a restaurant with an old boyfriend and was having a good time until some rude men starting making remarks about her weight and being, well, stupid and juvenile in my opinion. Ruby's comment about the whole thing is what brought the tears. She said something to the effect of; you are out having a good time and not thinking about being obese and then someone does or says something to remind you. You know you are fat but sometimes you are having such a good time that it's not the focus in your mind, until....stupidity. I know exactly what she means. There are days that I feel so good about how I look, where I am weight wise, etc. and then something happens.....a stare, a comment, a narrow chair. There are reminders everywhere that you are not the norm and that you are fat.

I did start walking again! Go me!! It feels good and definitely helps on the scale front. I never used to mind walking alone at night but one night about a week ago I went out alone and some high school or college kids went by in a pick up. They shouted some obscenties and flipped me off. It was unnerving. I am trying not to let it get to me and also trying to get out while it is still a little light out. For now I'll stick to the main roads with lots of traffic and lights. I hate feeling insecure in my own neighborhood, it's a nice place. I'm sure it was just some random thing but, well you know.

So, yup, long winded and dis-jointed. If you made it this far thanks! Stay tuned for more random ramblings.

Glad I Went

I weighed in at 244 (fully clothed) which was down 4 pounds in 2 weeks! Yay! This AM at home I was 242, I need to change my ticker finally!

The fill was quick and easy, phew. I now have 5.25 cc's in my 10 cc band.

I'm Gonna Go For It (with trepidation)

I have a fill scheduled for tomorrow at 10 and have been going back and forth about whether or not to keep it. Mainly I am afraid of the scale and scared of having to explain a stall or gain. This AM however I weighed in at 244 and just now on the scale, fully clothes I was 246. I am hoping the doctors scale will say the same (last time it said I was heavier than my scale). At least 246 would be a two pound loss in two weeks, I can handle that. Sigh......it's going to stress me out until it's over but I really think it's for the best, I need more restriction. My restriction has been really weird. Mornings are definitely tighter and I read that a lot on lap band boards. Good to know I fall into "normal" on that one. Other than that though it's really hit or miss. Sometimes I eat something and it goes down just fine and others it totally hurts and feels stuck. There's no rhyme or reason that I can come up with.

With this fill tomorrow I pledge to follow the rules more closely. I will do protein shakes until the swelling goes down, I will be kind to my band, I will exercise daily, and I will get my protein and water.

It Was An Adventure

Camping was good, for the most part. We got to our site around 6:30 and the sun set quickly. For those of you who don't know, my partner is blind. She can see some in light but once darkness hits, forget it. So I basically set up camp on my own which was fine except for the "mommy can I ride my bike?", "mommy can we make s'mores?", "mommy can we go for a walk?", etc, etc, etc. I nearly lost my cool several times. Eventually though we were set up, I got a fire going and the kids roasted marshmallows, phew. It sprinkled a few times but nothing to worry about. Saturday AM was beautiful. The kids and I got up early and had a fire, ate breakfast and drank hot cocoa next to the lake. Perfection. Around 10 it started to rain, no surprise, the forecast was for showers all day. We went to Sadie's parents house for lunch and watched the rain and the radar. There was no end in sight. Around 2 we headed back to the campground and to the game room. After some time there we spent some good play time in the tent with dinosaurs and books :) The rain started to dampen our spirits around 4 and we made an executive decision to go home for the night. We had Chinese food and a movie in the warmth of our home....aahhh. Sunday morning we rose early and went to Grammy and Grampa's for a HUGE breakfast (I ate way too much) and then back to the campground. We took the wet gear down and then we rented a canoe. It was the first time Sadie and I had ever been out together and the first for the kids. It was great!!!!!! Everyone had a good time (except Grammy having a heart attack on shore waiting for us to flip :) So while it wasn't the most conventional camping trip it was full of lots of good things and good family time. I can't wait to do it again next year, minus the rain.

Slacking All Around

I started walking again and then stopped again. Ugh. I know once I get back into a routine it will be good but I'm having a hard time. Big Guy starting Kindergarten kind of threw our routine for a loop. I think and hope we are settling into a new routine.

After the fever/yucky illness a few weeks ago I thought I was on the road to recovery with the new antibiotics and I was, from that illness. The antibiotics, however, did a number on me and I developed oral thrush. Yuck. My mouth and throat HURT. So now I am on a medication for that.....it tastes like band aids smell.....blech. The thrush led to some dietary changes......not good ones. Ice cream felt delightful in the sore mouth/throat. Ugh.

The weight....the big question....one I hate answering. I was down to 242.8 right after the yucky bug. I think some of that was dehydration b/c I went back up. For a day or two I saw 250!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!! Then it started to go back down. I am floating up, down, and all around 246 which is where I was before. It makes me sad to think that this month I lost nothing, and I had two fills. Sigh.

Speaking of fills, I am due to get one on Tuesday but am debating it. Part of me thinks I need to get back on track before I do it and part of me thinks it will help get me back on track. Then there's the part of me that doesn't want to go simply b/c I'll have to get on the scale and am terrified I will have GAINED and have to explain that. There's a lot of shame to that for me.

We are off to go camping this w/end! I am excited and apprehensive. It's been chilly here lately and I hope we are warm enough. I also worry about entertaining the kids for a few days in the great outdoors. I have my fingers crossed it will be OK. Then there's the food issue. I tend to be extra hungry and eat more when I am outside and busy. I really need to stay on track this weekend.

I guess that's all from here. Not an overly positive post but it's where I am at. This journey sure is full of ups and downs, more than I ever expected. There are sooo many aspects to losing weight and being healthy and sometimes life throws more at you than you can handle......or at least more than I can handle and things get all wacky. I'm owning it though and planning to get back on track. For me, that's all that matters.

Fill #2 and a few curse words

I went into fill number 2 with little concern. My first fill had been so quick and gone so smoothly. I should have known. Little Guy came with me and he was SO good. It took over 20 minutes with me on the table and he just sat and played with his baby doll and the plastic stomach model the nurse gave him. What a good kid. The fill...oh, the fill. She stuck me once and kept moving the needle around but could not access the port so she took a deep breath and tried again. No success. As a last ditch effort I rolled on my side and she stuck me again, it worked. Phew. I got 1cc to bring me up to a total of 4. I made an appointment for 2 weeks out for another fill since she doesn't think I'll have much restriction until at least 5cc's. I am not looking forward to doing that again.