17 Degrees

To Mainers, that's nothing. It's a little chilly but not cold.

This morning I got up and turned the computer on to check the temperature, 17 degrees. To walk or not to walk...hmm..... True, 17 degrees isn't all that cold and there wasn't any wind so what was my problem? 17 is cold when you have just rolled out from under a down comforter. 17 is cold when you have an adorable 2 year old who wants you to cuddle and watch cartoons. 17 is cold when you need an excuse to not go out and walk.

I found myself using that last one, an excuse not to walk. Instead of heading to the couch I laced up my sneakers, grabbed some gloves, my MP3 player and one of our dogs and took off. It wasn't really that cold. I was just getting into a good pace when Tucker, the dog, started to limp. He was walking on 3 paws and looking pathetic. I tried to see if he had ice in his paw but he wouldn't let me. So I caved and said "let's go home then." The little bugger turned around and started pulling me to the house, on all 4 paws. Apparently if none of the other reasons not to walk at 17 degrees work you pull out all the stops and fake an injury.

And then it rained on my parade....

That last post, just a little while ago ended with hope. My hopes have been dashed. S was supposed to work until 4 tonight which left me a HUGE window to go for a walk before bed. Now she has to work until 9 :( So I'll have to load the kids into the double stroller and bring them with me. Not horrible but certainly not ideal. My walks are good "me" time.

After that walk I'll have to bundle them up again at 8:40 to go pick up S at work. No fun.

Then I get an email that the support group I attended to meet the last requirement of the bariatric surgery center wasn't really a support group. It was a "group" not a "support group" and therefore doesn't count. That means that I have to either attend one next Wednesday from 2-3 or wait until the first Monday in March. All of this means that everything is getting pushed back and that is so frustrating. I really want to go next Wednesday but am encountering problems. I found a sitter for little guy, phew. Big guy has school and, I just remembered, a field trip. Parents are supposed to provide field trip transport for their children. So I have to cross my fingers that another parent will take pity on him and bring him in their car and then find someone to pick him up after and babysit until I can pick him up. UGH.

Add to that the inspection sticker and registration on my car were due last month and we just don't have the money to do it, the court wants more money for my dad's estate filing fees, I am short money to cover big guy's preschool tuition this month, and while moving furniture around one of my bookcases started to fall apart.

Thinking positive just doesn't seem to be cutting it right now.....bah.

Train Wreck

OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. I feel more like a derailed train working towards a wreck. For some reason I have been unable to get back on track following this weekends adventures in cookie eating. I have been eating healthy meals but evil cravings keep coming out.

Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and made it all the way until lunch, yay! Lunch was a lean hamburger patty (no bun) and a salad. It was delicious, I felt full and then I heard something. It started out very soft "asdkfshfs". Huh? What? Then it got louder "candy". Finally it was all I could hear "CANDY!!! CANDY!!! CANDY!!!!" OK, I don't really hear voices per se but those are the thoughts that go through my head. I was warned of this by the social worker I met with. Her voices say "donut" and "diet coke". I tried and tried to find other things to do but before I knew it I was chewing away on some Laffy Taffy. UGH!!!!! The rest of the day went pretty well, I ate more than I should have but things were fairly healthy.

On top of the physical ramifications of eating cookies and candy (I am up several pounds AGAIN) their are the mental ones. I have been in a funk. I can't decide if I am in a funk because I haven't been doing well on the diet front or if I'm not doing well on the diet front because I am in a funk. Either way it needs to stop! So if anyone has some tips to pull yourself out of a funk please let me know. I tried cleaning and organizing yesterday (it appeals to my OCD side). I was very successful but felt no better. I wake up every day and declare it will be a better day, it just has to be. So today is it; today will be the better day. Today will be good. Today I will eat well. Today I will go for a walk. Today I will have patience. Today is the day.

I have been led into temptation....

and I have failed. A well meaning Grammy brought groceries to our house the other day. We love that!! She brought some good healthy stuff; cheese, yogurt, fruit, etc. Thank you! She also brought goodies for the kids, some of which I can not keep my hands off of. Chocolate covered donuts, need I say more? Yum. I have thus far managed to keep my paws off of the double stuffed Oreo's but the wafer cookies with vanilla cream in the middle....well....let's just say I've sampled them, repeatedly. (OOPS!) Sweets are my weakness and I just can't stay away from them. I tried, really I did. I failed. Sigh. The scale will certainly reflect my indulgences over the next few days. Hopefully I'll get it going in the right direction again soon.

I'm Changing Their World

My boys are eaters!! They are growing boys who seem to like to go through growth spurts at the same time. My fridge is forever looking sad and empty and my pantry grows bare within hours of shopping. Here's the thing though, they like junk. What kid doesn't? Cheetos, gummies, sugary cereal, Kool aid, dessert....all favorites of theirs.

Here's where the title comes in. They still have their fair share of kid (slightly junky snacks) but they are definitely eating more healthy. My four year old now talks about meat and how it's good for your body and how milk gives you strong bones. He knows what foods are healthy and what aren't. I love it. He is also noticing activities that require more energy and labeling them "exercise". He loves to exercise and says it is making his body bigger and stronger. I love that. I love that he gets it and is excited about it.

Lately my boys have been whipping through things like cheese, yogurt, apples, bananas, oranges, wheat thins and eggs. Yay!! I will forever be grateful to this process for helping me change their world.

FINALLY!

I was getting ready to throw the scale out the window. Well, I would have thrown it out if the windows weren't frozen shut ;) I have been struggling with 2-3 pounds for a while now, up and down, down and up. I never thought I'd get here but I did!!! Today's weight was 285.8! I have now lost 20.2 pounds! Yay!

I have 9.8 left too lose, give or take a little. The bariatric center wants me to get to 282 fully clothed (which adds about 3 pounds). So technically I could get to 279 and probably be OK but....I am hoping to lose the full 9.8.

These 2-3 pounds were tough ones and it makes me nervous about the remaining 9.8. I hope they all don't want to stick around as much as these did. Listen body, I know it's winter and fat is an insulator but I promise I will wear layers!!

A few people are noticing the weight loss now. My chiropractor asked last night and then said that usually around 20 pounds is when it is noticeable. My son's speech therapist said my pants were fitting me differently. I don't remember what I said exactly but what I wanted to say was "yea, my sausage thighs and fat ass seem to not be shrink wrapped in them anymore." Everything fits better and I have a few pairs of pants I am hoping to shrink into soon.

Self Sabotage

I do it. I have always done it when it comes to losing weight (and other things too). It's like I start being successful at whatever I set my mind to and then I start doing things knowing that they will cause failure. WHY?? I found a really great article online today. Read it here: http://www.bodytrans.com/newsletters/bodytrans_newsletter_09-2003.htm

It actually makes some sense to me. I am still seeing myself and thinking of myself as a fat person. As a fat person, in that mindset it's OK to eat junk and it's OK to skip workouts. What I need to do is start thinking like the person I want to be. I need to think like the new healthier me. It sounds hoaky and weird but I get it.

So that's it....good bye fat Colleen, you are out of here! No more self sabotage, no more "fat" thoughts. You are good enough, you are healthy, you deserve this and it's the best thing you have ever done for yourself.