The Vampire Diet

No, no, I'm not drinking blood. I do, however, have vampires to thank for my weight loss this week. Let me explain. Last Thursday I started in with a renewed effort after getting on the scale and seeing a number I swore I never would again. I did OK TH and FRI and the weekend, as I remember it, was "eh". Then I started reading the Twilight saga. I had put it off a long time, it was not my kind of book. I finally gave in and figured I could at least "try" it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Monday I read Twilight, Tuesday was New Moon, Wednesday Eclipse came and went and Thursday I polished off Breaking Dawn. Wow. Addictive, addictive, addictive. My house is a mess from neglect and very little else got accomplished. I lost myself in the vampire coven and I also lost 7 pounds. How about that? Talk about transfer addiction huh? So yea.......maybe I need to find some more addictive reads out there b/c I'd rather be addicted to reading than eating.

Here We Go Again.....Food Journal

Breakfast: Slim Fast high protein shake
Snack: NONE
Lunch: 2oz tuna w/dab of mayo and chopped onion (got slightly stuck and stopped)
2nd Lunch: 3/4 C Greek Yogurt with sugar substitute and Black Cherry preserves (YUM!)
Snack: entire sleeve of Ritz wheat crackers. Really, the entire sleeve, wth?
Dinner: 4oz steak, 1/2 C roasted potatoes, 1/2 C butternut squash and 1/4 cup sauted brussels.
Snack:popcorn, 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

So I am adding crackers to my list of trigger foods. I obviously can't be trusted with them and they make me want other foods, like toppings. Mmm....peanut butter and jelly, cheese, etc. So, bye bye crackers.

After visiting Sparkpeople I think it comes out to around 1400 calories. Without the damn crackers it would have been much better. I did get 88 grams of protein though, that was good! All this food talk is making me hungry! Time to shower and figure out breakfast. I'm thinking Greek Yogurt but I have to wait until DP leaves. She's having her wisdom teeth out this AM and can't eat. I don't want to be cruel.

Not Sure I'll Ever Understand My Band

For weeks now I've been able to eat anything, very rarely getting stuck and if I did get stuck it was very mild and passed quickly. I could eat cake, bagels, pasta, rice, etc. Today I'm trying with every ounce of my being not to eat my way through the day. I had a slimfast this AM and just sat down with a plate of 6oz of tuna w/a little mayo and chopped onion and 1/3 through I got a little stuck. I stopped and it's passed but wow. Do you think your band tightens up if you follow the rules more? Does that make any sense? Whatever it is I am thankful for it. Now that the stuck feeling has passed I feel mildy full as well. I think I'll save the rest for later. I really want to eat more so I can taste more but that's not the right reason to eat and it's the behavior I most need to reel in. Baby steps....put the tuna away.

The Gain

Amy made a comment in my last post that it would be helpful to know what caused the gain. I decided she's right even if a majority of it is just bad choices. What else caused the gain? Well it started out with being too tight. I let it go FAR too long and gained 10 pounds eating slider foods and not getting protein. I finally admitted what was going on (for a long time I thought it was just me not following the plan). I went in and had .5 cc's removed and now I am all loosey goosey. Loosey goosey (think bread,pasta, anything I want loose) plus bad choices = GAIN. My lowest was 241.8 (and that was a fleeting moment). I would say the real maintained low was around 244. I am now at 265. It's embarrassing. I am scared to get a fill b/c I CAN NOT go back to being too tight, it was horrible and I was sick ALL the time. So I am really trying to do it on sheer willpower and the little help my band still offers. I do get full faster than pre-band and sometimes stuff does get stuck (esp. in the AM's). I think once I get back down these 20 pounds I'll think about tightening up a little. For now, baby steps. Back to the gym, I'm shooting for 3 days a week. I've been trying to get out for walks a few days a week and cutting way down on crap and snacking. So there it is.....the gain heard and seen 'round the world. Blech.

I've Been Hiding

It's hard to come here time and again and announce all of my failures to you all. So many of you are fellow lap banders and are doing amazingly well. I read the other lap band blogs and feel such a sense of failure, disappointment in myself, disgust, sadness, etc. It's really hard because I know it's all my own fault. I've not done what I was supposed to, not followed all the rules, and worse not put myself first in my life. I've re-gained, more. I hate it but just haven't been able to do anything about it. There's a list of reasons excuses and some of them carry some weight and validity and some don't. All I can say is that life has been crazy, thrown a lot my way and in it I lost me! I caught a glimpse of me the other day hanging onto a cliff by one finger and I threw myself a rope. I can't lose myself, then who would I be?

So, I waited until I had something positive to say before I blogged, some "there you go, I'm on the right track" thing. Yesterday I went to the gym. I hadn't been in a long time and I really did not want to go. I felt intimidated by it again. I had every reason not to go yesterday. Little Guy has been sick, we're trying to figure out the cause of a chronic cough and he's miserable. He woke at 4:30 yesterday coughing and gagging. At 6 when I went to leave him with DP to go to the gym he was pathetic "don't go mommy" "need you mommy" " me don't feel too good mommy" "me want to cuddle with you" and on and on. Looking at his face it would have been the easiest thing to scrap the gym plans and cuddle up on the couch and watch Clifford. however, I didn't. I knew he'd be fine with DP and I left. It hurt, a lot but it was what I had to do.....for me. After the gym I worked REALLY hard at making good food choices and I did all day until I went out to dinner with a friend. At least I didn't eat crap all day AND go out to dinner, right? Right? :) Anyway, scale was down 2 pounds from the highest I've seen post op so now I've got to keep it going.

So Much to Catch Up On

The past few weeks brought illness after illness to my entire family. We were subjected to pink eye, ear infections, nasty colds, sinus infections......it wasn't pretty. The boys felt better for Xmas (not 100%,but better) and DP and I put on a happy face and the show went on! We're all feeling better now except for the lingering runny nose and associated coughing. Blech. 2010 IS going to be a healthier year for my family and I'm not even talking about food and weight, just illness. We had such a horrible year with illness I am glad it's over.

Xmas was great! Big Guy got up at 3 and wanted to do presents, I sent him back to bed. At 3:50 he tried again and every 5-10 minutes after that until I gave in just before 5. He and Little Guy had a lot of fun and got incredibly spoiled between Santa and the Grandparents. I was excited to get a Tom Tom, some gorgeous earrings (wink wink) from my boys, new bras and undies (woot!), and various other gifts that were just right. There weren't many things that I didn't like and it feels so good to have some nice new things.

On the weight front I held steady through Xmas. Last weigh in here was 260 I believe and that is where I sit today. I bounced up a few and took it right off again and yesterday the scale was 259.8. In a way I'd love to be able to report I was a lot lower and getting back down to my low but really I am very very happy to have at least held steady through a crazy food holiday. I keep wanting to lose weight to please everyone around me who keeps asking if I've lost more, and wanting to lose weight so if I have to go to the doc. they'll be happy with the scale but I'm really comfortable with where I am right now and I know that's what the issue is. 260 is a bit much, I LOVED 242. I want to get back there and will now that all this craziness is over but I don't have any huge motivation to lose more than that right now.

Something else I've wanted to talk about are two products (and related smells) that I've recently started using (again). I went out the other day to buy a new face wash and came home with a Noxema Daily Scrub. I love, love, love the fresh Noxema smell and it reminds me so much of my childhood. My mom used to slather our sunburned backs with Noxema. I also started wearing, hold on to your seats, Love's Baby Soft body spray. I used to wear it as a teen and I found it the other day and fell in love all over again. I love baby powder and Love's is baby powder and a freshly washed and lotioned baby rolled all into one. HEAVEN.

SO those are the random thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. From illness to Noxema you get to hear it all.....aren't you glad you read this life changing blog? (eye roll)

I Survived a Xmas Party!

I didn't stand around the food all night, yay!! I went into this worried. The last party I went to at Halloween I WAY overdid the munching. Not this time! I ate the equivalent of 1.5 Buffalo Chicken egg rolls dipped in blue cheese, 1 cookie and 1 chocolate covered graham cracker w/strawberry on top. I had 1 drink!

DP and I went on a date for dinner before the party and that really helped. We split an appetizer that was a quesadilla w/BBQ pork and onions. Sooooo delicious. I ordered the soup and salad combo and ate about 1/3 of the salad and 3/4 the bowl of carrot ginger soup. I left comfortably full, another victory.

I got the cold the kids had and have been feeling pretty miserable. The sore throat is really the worst and I've been eating more than my fair share of ice cream to combat it. Nothing else seems to really feel good. I also find myself eating more comfort foods when I am sick. Does anyone else have this issue? I wish it were healthy things like soup but it's more like chips and dip.

I weighed in a few days ago and the scale was back at 260. ?????????????? I was angry. It is approaching TOM so maybe that's it. I don't know but have steered clear of the scale for a few days knowing I haven't been stellar and worried what it will say. I plan to weigh in tomorrow morning and hope to get down to only weighing in once a week.

I am going to post on one of my weight loss forums and ask for a buddy. I need someone to keep me accountable, to bounce ideas off of, etc. I'm hoping I will find someone available via email most of the day so I can write and say "help, the ice cream is screaming to me from the freezer" LOL.

It's supposed to warm up a little around here this week. Yesterday it made it into the upper 20's!! After several days in the single digits it was downright balmy. I took the dogs for a little walk and if I had dressed a little more appropriately I definitely could have stayed out longer. So, I'm hoping to get more walks in this week.