Cookies, Cakes and Shakes

Fill 'Er Up

2010-09-23T05:14:00.000-07:00

I got my fill on Tuesday. It took two sticks which isn't the worst I've ever had it so I'll take it. She put in 2 CC's and brought me up to 5.2.

We talked about how I had gotten off track and how I was ready to get back on track. She asked about food; whether I was getting stuck a lot, hungry a lot, etc. I told her I could eat just about anything including all the taboo foods such as bread, pasta and rice. She was shocked. So yea, I got 2 CC's which is the max they will give you at one time. I go back in one month to weigh in and see if I need more.

The scale.....sigh. It was bad. I don't think I need to say more than that. I'm moving on.......

I did liquids and mushies for Tuesday and most of yesterday. I did give in and eat real food at dinner and I didn't have any trouble. I didn't get stuck and quite frankly I didn't feel really full either even after eating a large portion. Sigh again. Looks like I will need to get stuck again next month. Boo.

I'm not really keeping track of the scale and weight thing here at home so I'll let you know next month how the weight thing is going. Deal? Thanks.

Shift

2010-09-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last few days making a shift in my mind. It's been tough and trust me, not easy. I've done a little bit of the last meal syndrome, as well, as the fill gets closer. I've definitely eaten a few things I should have passed on b/c I know post-fill they will be a no-go again. All in all though I think I am ready for the fill and the post-fill changes I need to make.

Last night Sadie and I took the boys to the playground and I brought a tennis racket and balls. As a kid I grew up across from a high school and spent many an hour hitting tennis balls off the brick walls. Last night I did the same thing and it felt great. I got a great workout and left very sweaty and tired. Big Guy tried to join in and did really well for his first time with a tennis racket. Hopefully he'll continue to practice and love it as much as I do.

That's all for now. Still nervous as heck about tomorrow but still going to go.

Which Way Is Up?

2010-09-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Can anyone please answer me that? I've lost my way, big time. It's been a YEAR since I focused, truly focused, on my weight. There are so many reasons why, some are excuses and some are genuine reasons.

I was depressed, am depressed. Some days are better than others, some months better than others. I like the meds (Effexor) I am on now but hate that I NEED them. Does that make sense? Sometimes the depression is a true sad feeling and other times it's just this lack of enjoyment and motivation. I can literally spend the entire day on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy and Friday Night Lights reruns and eating crap. One of the hardest things for me about depression is that I don't talk to my friends/family about it. I feel like they're over it, expect me to be better by now and don't want to hear about it. Blah.

There are two other things standing in my way of really focusing on me. Big guy and Little guy. Not only do I spend so much time and energy on them because they are busy guys in preschool and First grade but, I put them before me. I use my energy to make sure I do everything I can for them and leave little to nothing left for me. I also put them first with food. It's no secret to most of you we are poor. Food is expensive and despite what a lot of people say to the contrary healthy food is more expensive. I tend to buy the stuff the kids like and I know they will eat; pastas, rice, mac and cheese, etc. I make sure they get healthy foods too but here's the tough part. If you can only afford so much healthy food there isn't a lot to go around. That means, for me anyway, that the kids get it and I don't. I end up grazing and snacking on whatever I can find and it's very rarely the healthy stuff.

Sigh......I know I need to take care of me and who will take care of them if I am not here? I get it but putting it into practice is entirely different. I don't even know how I did it before, how I managed to focus on my health and eating healthy for a year and lose all that weight. How did I do it?

In order for me to be successful in weight loss again I know at least two things. 1) I need a fill.
2) I need to make and keep regular appts. for weigh in's so I can keep it real.

So I called the center and made an appt. to meet with the nurse and get a fill and I will make follow up appointments while I am there. I know she will help me get back on track.

It's going to be hard and it's an even harder pill to swallow b/c I'm starting over, again. My biggest fear going into lap band surgery was that it wouldn't work for me and where would that leave me. Well ladies and gentlemen, it leaves me here. Almost back to my highest weight and more depressed than I was pre-surgery. I had put all my hope into this surgery and over this year my hopes have been dashed. Is it the band's fault? Hell no. I know I didn't do my part. I guess I didn't realize how hard my part would be. I still struggle with food and hunger just as much as I did pre-band. I have this tiny glimmer of hope that someday I will find the "sweet spot" in my band and I won't struggle as much but it really is a tiny tiny glimmer........

I've learned a lot this year. I've learned who's on my side and who is not. I've learned that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I've learned that there are no miracle cures and quick fixes. I've learned that there's a lot more to me than my weight. I've learned that the people who love me will love me no matter what the scale says. I've learned that I need to love myself more.

So I'm back people. I get my fill Tuesday and I am TERRIFIED. I am worried she'll have a hard time accessing the port b/c of the weight gain, I'm worried I'll have to weigh in and she'll be disappointed, I'm worried I'll be too tight or not tight enough. Until then I am working on things mentally so I can recommit to this process. Wish me luck.

Tears

2010-08-22T03:22:00.000-07:00

I had someone say something to me the other day and it made me cry. They said "you were my inspiration". Now, it wasn't you were my inspiration and that's how I did this it was you WERE my inspiration as in used to be, you know, before you failed at this weight loss, lap band thing. Sigh. It hurt, I hurt. I have plenty of guilt and anger towards myself for failing. I am not happy where I am. I am not happy with the weight I've regained. I know a lot of people were rooting for me and I let them down but that comment........it hurt.

A Wrench in the Works

2010-06-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

So, here I am. Barely. The Zoloft was great for a bit and then things started going downhill again. Basically I have not felt well since last Fall and it's starting to wear on me. I'm being tested for lots of medical issues but so far nothing. Here are my symptoms:

1) Exhaustion (not just tired....we're talking nap every few hours and still want more EXHAUSTED)
2) hot flashes
3) almost passed out twice
4) headaches
5) feeling foggy or fuzzy ALL the time. It's like that feeling when you are just starting to get drunk and everything slows down a little. It's horrible.
6) nipple discharge ( I have NEVER had this before and it's lasted over a month)

That's most of it. I am really just tired all the time. I have no energy. None. I can't even think about exercise because quite frankly getting out of bed and showering usually results in napping. I have nothing left to give.

The tests I've had:

1) prolactin level: normal
2) TSH level: normal
3) blood count: normal except that my red cells were small and pale
4) Vitamin D level: waiting for result
5) B12 level: waiting for result

We've switched my antidepressant and while it is working for the depression everything else remains the same. My blood pressure is normal, my cholesterol slightly elevated.......hmmm.....can't think of what else.

I'm starting to feel like I am crazy and it's all in my head but I know it's not. I am also starting to feel like I may never get an answer or get better.

So that's why I've been away.

A Happy and Healthy Family Weekend

2010-03-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

Now that the weather is starting to be better we've been spending a lot more time outside as a family. This weekend was on the chilly side (30's and 40's) but we still managed to get out there and have fun.

Saturday I got to go out with a friend and do some shopping. Window shopping only for me, but it was really nice to get out. I needed a little time for me and I felt all the better for it. We went to Friendly's for lunch and I had a chicken wrap and was so full after I couldn't eat my fries. I think I had 3 in total. Nice. Once I got home the family and I headed to one of our favorite local parks for a hike. We explored a new trail and had so much fun! We hiked for almost 2 hours and did lots of exploring and climbing. At the end we stopped to watch the river flowing over the damn and found some amazing icicle formations. Alas, I did not have my camera. Boo.

Sunday we went to my in laws. On the way we stopped at a friend's horse barn to play with the horses and feed them carrots. It's always a good time. There was one young horse loose in the yard that followed us all around as we visited, too cute. The boys are so good with the horses. Big Guy has no fear and pets and feeds them, love it! Little Guy is still a little skittish and refuses to try feeding them for now. He did really well with the one following us around though. We're getting there. Once at the Grandparents we played a rousing game of baseball as a family. Big Guy is baseball obsessed lately and likes us all to get in the game. It always turns into a giggle fest and we get a lot of exercise running around. We also went on a hike on a trail behind their house. We had to bring wood to build a bridge over a brook but we did it! Hooray for being adventurous!

On the way home from the in laws I couldn't get my mind off the icicle pictures that could have been so we stopped by the house and I grabbed my camera. Off to the park we went! Little Guy was sleepy from the car ride and opted to ride in the stroller but Big Guy was AMAZING. He wanted in on all of the action. I was feeling adventurous myself so we scaled down some steep river banks to get better photos and had so much fun in the process. When we were done I was trying to lead him to a spot that was an easier climb back up but the little mountain goat that he is climbed straight up the vertical bank that was at least 8 feet tall. He never even lost his footing. Crazy. So, not wanting to be outdone by a 5 year old I followed and made it. I love that he pushes me to try things I wouldn't normally.

Lots and lots of exercise for all of this weekend and it felt good. Also lots of "real" moments as a family which are what I live for.

Have you seen that commercial?

2010-03-26T05:06:00.000-07:00

....you know, the one about depression where it talks about how it affects you physically and mentally and affects EVERYTHING in your life. Yea, that one. That's been me for many, many months. I tried the Prozac and got worse! I was more depressed; bad, bad, bad. Then I went off the Prozac; still depressed. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything, I wanted to sleep all the time and sometimes I did. I was not a good mom, wife, me. I started to think that my friends and family would be better off without me. Bad. How did I get through my days? I ate. I ate every comfort food known to man and it made me feel better but guilty. I felt better because food offers me comfort, it always has. Guilty because I knew I was not doing the right thing. I had come so far in my weight loss journey and now was throwing it all out the window. Then the guilt went away because I didn't care. I knew what I was doing to myself and I didn't care. So what if I gained weight back? So what if it meant I was shaving years off my life? I didn't care. Did I mention things were bad?

Through all of this there were two things that got me out of bed every day and kept me from following through on dark thoughts. Big Guy and Little Guy. They are my world, my everything. I literally took every breath for them. They deserve a good mom and they deserve a good childhood and I knew I was messing that up. Coming from a not so great childhood I have vowed to be better, be more for them and I was failing but fighting.

I'm not sure many people realized how bad things were. If there's one thing I am good at, it's putting on a happy face. I'm a good actress. I think friends knew I was depressed but not how badly. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about the things I was thinking. I was desperately afraid someone would find out and I'd end up in a psych ward for a few days. Sometimes I longed for that to happen but couldn't bear the thought of being away from my boys.

Then, on top of the depression my anxiety disorder reared it's ugly head again. I worried about everything, all the time. Anxious doesn't even begin to describe it. I couldn't sleep at night and would stay up stressing out about everything. Most night I slept little more than 2 hours. And, while I was up at night, I ate. My anxiety disorder sucks. I worry about everything and sometimes visualize a situation going horribly wrong. One day I had a friend I hadn't seen in years come over to my house. It was great to see her again and have company. At one point she laid her little boy on the floor to change his diaper and I had to step over him to get to the kitchen. In my head I could see myself miscalculating and stepping on his head. I could hear the scream and see the indentation in his skull. It sucks, it gives me panic attacks, it prevents me from doing things.

So about a month ago I had to meet my new PCP. My long time physician and friend left her practice and I was forced to find someone new. I was nervous. I met my her and loved her! Yay! I told her the anxiety was back and I had to fill out some questionnaires about how I was feeling and then she gave me a prescription for Zoloft. I used to take Zoloft and I loved it. I was hopeful. I don't know how to explain what it's like to feel your life coming back to you in bits and pieces. I found myself wanting to take the kids to the library, wanting to go outside with them to play, wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I am in no way 100% better yet. I know that. I think it will take a long time to be 100%. For now I am happy with my progress. I am happy that I was able to ask for help. I am happy that I can't even fathom thinking about not being around.

So on the weight front things are bad. I've failed. I have not worked my band, I have not followed the rules, I have gained a lot of weight back. Part of me is embarrassed and ashamed and part of me says tough sh*t. I did not take my life, I did not leave two little boys without a mom, I stared depression in the face and I fought back.

I know I need to get back to healthier habits and I am slowly. There are still times I find comfort in food and for now I am OK with that. This is one hell of a journey.

The Vampire Diet

2010-01-29T04:47:00.000-08:00

No, no, I'm not drinking blood. I do, however, have vampires to thank for my weight loss this week. Let me explain. Last Thursday I started in with a renewed effort after getting on the scale and seeing a number I swore I never would again. I did OK TH and FRI and the weekend, as I remember it, was "eh". Then I started reading the Twilight saga. I had put it off a long time, it was not my kind of book. I finally gave in and figured I could at least "try" it. Ha ha ha ha ha. Monday I read Twilight, Tuesday was New Moon, Wednesday Eclipse came and went and Thursday I polished off Breaking Dawn. Wow. Addictive, addictive, addictive. My house is a mess from neglect and very little else got accomplished. I lost myself in the vampire coven and I also lost 7 pounds. How about that? Talk about transfer addiction huh? So yea.......maybe I need to find some more addictive reads out there b/c I'd rather be addicted to reading than eating.

Here We Go Again.....Food Journal

2010-01-22T04:17:00.000-08:00

Breakfast: Slim Fast high protein shake
Snack: NONE
Lunch: 2oz tuna w/dab of mayo and chopped onion (got slightly stuck and stopped)
2nd Lunch: 3/4 C Greek Yogurt with sugar substitute and Black Cherry preserves (YUM!)
Snack: entire sleeve of Ritz wheat crackers. Really, the entire sleeve, wth?
Dinner: 4oz steak, 1/2 C roasted potatoes, 1/2 C butternut squash and 1/4 cup sauted brussels.
Snack:popcorn, 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

So I am adding crackers to my list of trigger foods. I obviously can't be trusted with them and they make me want other foods, like toppings. Mmm....peanut butter and jelly, cheese, etc. So, bye bye crackers.

After visiting Sparkpeople I think it comes out to around 1400 calories. Without the damn crackers it would have been much better. I did get 88 grams of protein though, that was good! All this food talk is making me hungry! Time to shower and figure out breakfast. I'm thinking Greek Yogurt but I have to wait until DP leaves. She's having her wisdom teeth out this AM and can't eat. I don't want to be cruel.

Not Sure I'll Ever Understand My Band

2010-01-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

For weeks now I've been able to eat anything, very rarely getting stuck and if I did get stuck it was very mild and passed quickly. I could eat cake, bagels, pasta, rice, etc. Today I'm trying with every ounce of my being not to eat my way through the day. I had a slimfast this AM and just sat down with a plate of 6oz of tuna w/a little mayo and chopped onion and 1/3 through I got a little stuck. I stopped and it's passed but wow. Do you think your band tightens up if you follow the rules more? Does that make any sense? Whatever it is I am thankful for it. Now that the stuck feeling has passed I feel mildy full as well. I think I'll save the rest for later. I really want to eat more so I can taste more but that's not the right reason to eat and it's the behavior I most need to reel in. Baby steps....put the tuna away.

The Gain

2010-01-15T08:22:00.000-08:00

Amy made a comment in my last post that it would be helpful to know what caused the gain. I decided she's right even if a majority of it is just bad choices. What else caused the gain? Well it started out with being too tight. I let it go FAR too long and gained 10 pounds eating slider foods and not getting protein. I finally admitted what was going on (for a long time I thought it was just me not following the plan). I went in and had .5 cc's removed and now I am all loosey goosey. Loosey goosey (think bread,pasta, anything I want loose) plus bad choices = GAIN. My lowest was 241.8 (and that was a fleeting moment). I would say the real maintained low was around 244. I am now at 265. It's embarrassing. I am scared to get a fill b/c I CAN NOT go back to being too tight, it was horrible and I was sick ALL the time. So I am really trying to do it on sheer willpower and the little help my band still offers. I do get full faster than pre-band and sometimes stuff does get stuck (esp. in the AM's). I think once I get back down these 20 pounds I'll think about tightening up a little. For now, baby steps. Back to the gym, I'm shooting for 3 days a week. I've been trying to get out for walks a few days a week and cutting way down on crap and snacking. So there it is.....the gain heard and seen 'round the world. Blech.

I've Been Hiding

2010-01-15T05:25:00.000-08:00

It's hard to come here time and again and announce all of my failures to you all. So many of you are fellow lap banders and are doing amazingly well. I read the other lap band blogs and feel such a sense of failure, disappointment in myself, disgust, sadness, etc. It's really hard because I know it's all my own fault. I've not done what I was supposed to, not followed all the rules, and worse not put myself first in my life. I've re-gained, more. I hate it but just haven't been able to do anything about it. There's a list of ~~reasons~~ excuses and some of them carry some weight and validity and some don't. All I can say is that life has been crazy, thrown a lot my way and in it I lost me! I caught a glimpse of me the other day hanging onto a cliff by one finger and I threw myself a rope. I can't lose myself, then who would I be?

So, I waited until I had something positive to say before I blogged, some "there you go, I'm on the right track" thing. Yesterday I went to the gym. I hadn't been in a long time and I really did not want to go. I felt intimidated by it again. I had every reason not to go yesterday. Little Guy has been sick, we're trying to figure out the cause of a chronic cough and he's miserable. He woke at 4:30 yesterday coughing and gagging. At 6 when I went to leave him with DP to go to the gym he was pathetic "don't go mommy" "need you mommy" " me don't feel too good mommy" "me want to cuddle with you" and on and on. Looking at his face it would have been the easiest thing to scrap the gym plans and cuddle up on the couch and watch Clifford. however, I didn't. I knew he'd be fine with DP and I left. It hurt, a lot but it was what I had to do.....for me. After the gym I worked REALLY hard at making good food choices and I did all day until I went out to dinner with a friend. At least I didn't eat crap all day AND go out to dinner, right? Right? :) Anyway, scale was down 2 pounds from the highest I've seen post op so now I've got to keep it going.

So Much to Catch Up On

2010-01-01T04:18:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks brought illness after illness to my entire family. We were subjected to pink eye, ear infections, nasty colds, sinus infections......it wasn't pretty. The boys felt better for Xmas (not 100%,but better) and DP and I put on a happy face and the show went on! We're all feeling better now except for the lingering runny nose and associated coughing. Blech. 2010 IS going to be a healthier year for my family and I'm not even talking about food and weight, just illness. We had such a horrible year with illness I am glad it's over.

Xmas was great! Big Guy got up at 3 and wanted to do presents, I sent him back to bed. At 3:50 he tried again and every 5-10 minutes after that until I gave in just before 5. He and Little Guy had a lot of fun and got incredibly spoiled between Santa and the Grandparents. I was excited to get a Tom Tom, some gorgeous earrings (wink wink) from my boys, new bras and undies (woot!), and various other gifts that were just right. There weren't many things that I didn't like and it feels so good to have some nice new things.

On the weight front I held steady through Xmas. Last weigh in here was 260 I believe and that is where I sit today. I bounced up a few and took it right off again and yesterday the scale was 259.8. In a way I'd love to be able to report I was a lot lower and getting back down to my low but really I am very very happy to have at least held steady through a crazy food holiday. I keep wanting to lose weight to please everyone around me who keeps asking if I've lost more, and wanting to lose weight so if I have to go to the doc. they'll be happy with the scale but I'm really comfortable with where I am right now and I know that's what the issue is. 260 is a bit much, I LOVED 242. I want to get back there and will now that all this craziness is over but I don't have any huge motivation to lose more than that right now.

Something else I've wanted to talk about are two products (and related smells) that I've recently started using (again). I went out the other day to buy a new face wash and came home with a Noxema Daily Scrub. I love, love, love the fresh Noxema smell and it reminds me so much of my childhood. My mom used to slather our sunburned backs with Noxema. I also started wearing, hold on to your seats, Love's Baby Soft body spray. I used to wear it as a teen and I found it the other day and fell in love all over again. I love baby powder and Love's is baby powder and a freshly washed and lotioned baby rolled all into one. HEAVEN.

SO those are the random thoughts bouncing around in my head lately. From illness to Noxema you get to hear it all.....aren't you glad you read this life changing blog? (eye roll)

I Survived a Xmas Party!

2009-12-20T04:01:00.000-08:00

I didn't stand around the food all night, yay!! I went into this worried. The last party I went to at Halloween I WAY overdid the munching. Not this time! I ate the equivalent of 1.5 Buffalo Chicken egg rolls dipped in blue cheese, 1 cookie and 1 chocolate covered graham cracker w/strawberry on top. I had 1 drink!

DP and I went on a date for dinner before the party and that really helped. We split an appetizer that was a quesadilla w/BBQ pork and onions. Sooooo delicious. I ordered the soup and salad combo and ate about 1/3 of the salad and 3/4 the bowl of carrot ginger soup. I left comfortably full, another victory.

I got the cold the kids had and have been feeling pretty miserable. The sore throat is really the worst and I've been eating more than my fair share of ice cream to combat it. Nothing else seems to really feel good. I also find myself eating more comfort foods when I am sick. Does anyone else have this issue? I wish it were healthy things like soup but it's more like chips and dip.

I weighed in a few days ago and the scale was back at 260. ?????????????? I was angry. It is approaching TOM so maybe that's it. I don't know but have steered clear of the scale for a few days knowing I haven't been stellar and worried what it will say. I plan to weigh in tomorrow morning and hope to get down to only weighing in once a week.

I am going to post on one of my weight loss forums and ask for a buddy. I need someone to keep me accountable, to bounce ideas off of, etc. I'm hoping I will find someone available via email most of the day so I can write and say "help, the ice cream is screaming to me from the freezer" LOL.

It's supposed to warm up a little around here this week. Yesterday it made it into the upper 20's!! After several days in the single digits it was downright balmy. I took the dogs for a little walk and if I had dressed a little more appropriately I definitely could have stayed out longer. So, I'm hoping to get more walks in this week.

How Was Day 4?

2009-12-18T03:34:00.000-08:00

Not too bad....

B: crystal light
S: salad
L: tater tot casserole (SO not a healthy recipe)
S: ?? I don't think I had one
D: 1 whole slice cheese pizza at a kids bday and 2 small crusts leftover from Big Guy
S: some more tater tot casserole (it's gone now!!)

I spent the morning cleaning the kitchen so while it's not intense cardio or anything it wasn't sitting on my butt either. From about 12 on I was on the go running errands, taking Big Guy to skating, picking up DP, bringing Big Guy to a birthday party and then taking him Christmas shopping for his brother. I never did get that walk yesterday, after I blogged here I checked the temp and it was only 10....brrrr...... That was enough to deter me. I'll walk in the high teens and twenties but 10 is a little too low.

Little Guy sucumbed to the pink eye and is MISERABLE. His eyes are swollen nearly shut and his cold seems to be worse as well. Poor little guy. So, that paired with 3 degrees outside this AM means no walk for me this AM. I think by the time DP gets home though I'll be dying to get out for fresh air!!

I didn't weigh in yesterday and I'm not sure about today. I don't want to do it every day and get addicted to it again but I know I need to be careful and keep track. Such a tough balance for me. Hmmmmmm.......I'll let you know tomorrow!

Day 3 in a Nutshell

2009-12-17T03:33:00.000-08:00

Crap

Really, that's all I need to say. My schedule was off with Big Guy home from school sick, I was way overtired from being up at 3AM with him and I just didn't have the willpower. I'd love to tell you I grazed on healthy foods but....not always. I'm not sure I remember all I ate but will try to recap.

B: small bowl frosted flakes w/ff milk
S: handful of cheese crackers and a few slices of cheddar cheese
L: hamburger (no bun)
S: popcorn w/a little butter
This is where it all goes to heck BTW
D: 1/2 buffalo chicken calzone, 1/2 large salad. 1 square piece of cake
S: eggnog

Somewhere in there I choked down a candy cane or two and a few dove chocolates. I also ate a second piece of cake in the middle of the night. Bah.

It's amazing how being tired really affects my choices. Darn those little kids, LOL. Just kidding, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I did, however, take the dog for a walk last night. It was a really little, once around the block, one but it's something. I haven' done that in quite a while and it felt good despite the frigid air. I'm thinking about heading out for another this AM. Guess I better looking at what I ate last night, yuck. Ok, off for a walk. Have a good day all!

Day 2 Recap

2009-12-16T04:30:00.000-08:00

OK, yesterday was not as good as Monday. Here's the menu:

B: slim fast
S: slice banana bread
S2: 1T peanut butter
L: hamburger (no bun)
S: frosted flakes w/fat free milk
D:bagel w/cream cheese

I also had to make a cake for Sadie's work and had several spoonfuls of batter. Ugh, carbs carbs carbs.

I wasn't looking forward to the scale this AM but.....surprise surprise it was nice to me. Monday AM I was 260.4 and today.................drumroll..............255.6! Yay!!!! I'm getting there.

Big Guy is sick today and 2 months ago sick kids was my downfall and what started the downward spiral into poor eating so I really want to focus on healthy choices today. Wish me luck!

Day 1 Back on the Wagon

2009-12-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

I did pretty well yesterday. I had 2 multigrain rice cakes with 1 tablespoon each of peanut butter and jelly for breakfast, a burger (no bun) for lunch, and a salad with sliced steak for dinner. I snacked on popcorn and ate a few Dove chocolates. All in all, not bad at all. The scale was down 1.5 pounds today so obviously it worked.

So far today I've done pretty well too. Breakfast was a slim fast and lunch was a burger (no bun). I did have one slice of banana bread and a spoonful of peanut butter for a snack this AM but that's it so far. I need to go work on water though, I have not been drinking nearly enough.

Exercise wise; not as good. Monday I did not go to the gym b/c the kids had been up all night the night before. Today I started a new job babysitting and the kids and I had to be at their house early so I did not go to the gym again (not enough time). Yesterday I did spend about 30-35 minutes shoveling and chopping ice and today I took care of 4 little boys and vacuumed a whole house. I'm pooped!

Here It Is

2009-12-14T05:25:00.001-08:00

Ok everyone, here it is, the honesty post.

I have declared today the day I will AGAIN jump back on the band wagon. I weighed in, and as embarassed as I am to say, I am at 260. At one point I was as low as 242 and the highest before now I had ever bounced up to was 253. So, 260 flat out sucks. 18 pounds??? I do wonder how much is water weight, I'd say at least 5 pounds but we'll find out today as I go back to basics and drink water and eat right.

I did have plans to hit the gym this AM but my children plotted against me. Yesterday Big Guy woke up with pink eye and Little Guy started sneezing late in the day and sounding congested. Between the two of them I was up 5 times last night and try as I may, there was just no way I was dragging my ass out of bed to go to the gym this morning. I was exhausted. So today I am taking Big Guy to the pediatrician and hanging out playing nurse to two unhappy boys. Tonight I have plans to finish up my Xmas shopping. Hopefully the boys will sleep better tonight and I can gym in the morning.

So there it is people....I've gained 18 pounds because my band was too tight. Don't be like me!!!

Thankful

2009-12-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, things here are pretty tough right now. We are beyond broke, I've gained weight, etc. With all of that there are many many things I am thankful for and I want to focus on the positive.

I am thankful my kids don't feel the effects of our economic state. Aside from saying no to Dunkin Donuts and eating out they really don't know the difference.

I am thankful to weigh a lot less now than I did a year ago.

I am thankful that I won't hate the way I look in photos at Xmas this year.

I am thankful that this year I don't have to worry about having a reliable vehicle.

I am thankful for some great friendships that have formed this year.

I am thankful that I have two little boys who "love me to the moon and back" and request to cuddle on a daily basis.

I am thankful that starting my own photo. business was successful and I made enough money to buy some presents for my boys for Xmas.

I am thankful for the support of people who read this blog.

There are many more things I am thankful for but that's what pops up right away in my mind. We may be poor in terms of money but we are rich in so many other ways that are much more important.

A Delicate Balance

2009-12-11T05:42:00.000-08:00

My un-fill has felt heavenly. Problem? Too heavenly. I've been able to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I want. Last night? I ate a fast food burger on a bun....I hadn't had one since June. It tasted sooooooo good. But was it the right choice? Of course not. I suppose it would have been OK had I not spent the day eating everything that wasn't nailed down and didn't follow it sampling every one of the desserts on a sweets tray gift from a friend.

So this morning I have eaters remorse and the scale definitely showed me who's boss. It's not so much the number that's bothering me but the fact that I feel fat. I feel like I've gained as much as the scale says. My pants are tight, my spare tire is sticking out, yuck. I feel like I did at 306, yucky.

I had no idea .5 cc's would do so much. Thankfully I have an appt. to go back and see her in a week and a half. I def. think I'll need to put a little of that back in. It's such a delicate balance when .5 cc's makes the difference between getting stuck EVERY day and being able to eat anything. Wow.

I'm trying not to let the scale determine how I feel about myself but yes, I am disappointed in where I am. THis is definitely not where I wanted to be at Christmas. My goal for Christmas was the 220's and I am FAR from that right now. But then, my goal for the Fall was definitely not to be hit with a major depression and not to be struggling so hard with finances so I guess even the best laid plans and goals don't always work. As a control freak/perfectionist it's hard for me to admit defeat but hey, it happens to the best of us.

So, where to go from here? Back to the gym for me! Starting Monday (their weekend hours are nearly non existent) I will set the alarm and go early in the morning and start my day on the right foot. I haven't decided how many days a week yet but will sit down with the calendar and come up with a plan. Next week I also start a new babysitting job Tuesdays and Fridays, hooray for income! I feel like things are starting to come around, like everything is falling into place where it was once up in the air.

I've learned a lot about myself this Fall. I've learned that sometimes you have no choice but to let go of the control and let what will be, be. It stinks that my weight loss journey was affected by the lesson in a negative way but I think that in the long run it will be helpful. I enter this Winter a much different person than last and am looking forward to starting another New Year with my new skills, weight, me.

Oh Thank God

2009-12-09T04:44:00.000-08:00

I can eat again!! I did not get stuck once yesterday. No pain, no PB, no sliming. It was heaven! I ate more than I should have b/c, well simply, I COULD! LOL. I hope to get that under control again but it felt soooooo good to eat and not hurt and not get sick. Wow.

In other news it's a snowy day here!! Big guy was scheduled to have the day off anyway but the snow is a nice bonus. I'm hoping we'll get to go out and play in it before it starts turning to rain, blech. The plans for today are snow play, cocoa, a movie, and painting our handmade ornaments for the tree. I'm sure we'll be done everything and bored by noon but we'll wing it ;)

The depression is much, much better. I had a sneaking suspicion the Prozac was making it worse and decided to try stopping it and what a difference. Wow. I'm snappy right now but hope that's just a withdrawal side effect and will pass.

Things here financially are pretty tough. We've had some issues with S' student loans and can no longer put them in forebearance and are being forced to pay on them each month for the next 9 months. I cannot begin to describe what a hardship this is for us. We were barely (and most of the time not) making ends meet and to be out an extra $250 a month pushes us way into poverty. The photo. business has slowed down now that Xmas is getting so close and the weather is changing. I've picked up a babysitting job a few days a week and decided yesterday to cash out my teeny tiny 401K. I figured there wasn't much there but it would keep us out of the food pantry for a few months. I've thought about full time work but the cost of child care doesn't really make it make sense.

For now we're making the most of what we have. Thankfully I socked away all the income from photo shoots and was able to buy the boys each 7 presents for Xmas. We cut down a tree behind S' parents house and while it's a little funky and non traditional it was fun and free. I've been using the ingredients I have around the house to do holiday craft projects with the boys including salt dough ornaments and glittery pine cones. I don't want the boys to know how bad off we are so I try to keep things as normal as possible. It's hard though, hard to say no to them when they ask for things. I know it's not a big deal but it's still hard.

UN-fill

2009-12-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

I've gained weight. More than I care to talk about but it's significant. Many people would think I needed a fill but I thought long and hard about it, emailed my nurse and today went in for my first unfill. I was eating "slider" foods because I knew they would go down without pain. Anytime I ate anything of substance I got stuck. Meat, crackers, potatoes. OUCH. It happened so often that the kids got used to mommy running to the bathroom and would say "Aw, poor mommy". My 5 year old starting saying he was sorry I got stuck. When your 5 year old starts using band lingo you know you are in trouble. I was worried. Every time I get stuck it results in a PB or worse. I cannot handle the pain/feeling and get sick every time. I worry about what I did to my band and stomach. I've known for a while I need an unfill but didn't want to face the scale at the Bariatric center knowing I had gained. So I emailed the nurse and told her my concerns and she agreed I needed an unfill and said not to worry about the gain and that sometimes life gets the best of us. It was the perfect thing to say and I immediately called and made an appt. I got in first thing this AM and Holly (nurse) didn't even make me weigh in. THANK YOU!! She knew I was stressing about it and let it go. So nice. So she took out .5 cc's of my 5.25 and I am already hopeful. SInce my last fill breakfast has been impossible and I've been too tight to eat anything until at least noon. I came home from the unfill hungry and a little nauseous so I sat down with a few saltines and they went down, no problem. Phew, I feel so much better. I am hopeful that I now that I will be able to eat the right foods again I will get back on the losing side of things.

Random Thoughts

2009-11-14T04:48:00.000-08:00

Random thought #1:
The past week has gone really well food and exercise wise. I have dropped 7 of the extra 10 pounds, so 3 to go back to my low! And then, the 230's! I was sitting here trying to think about what the difference was, what clicked and made me eat less/better when I realized it wasn't so much that something clicked but that I started to care again. Woohoo Prozac. I still feel kind of in a fog and everything still feels gray but gray is better than black, right? I now realize that those months when I couldn't get my head in the game and was eating whatever I wanted it was because I just didn't care, it wasn't important to me anymore which really means I wasn't important to me anymore. Hello depression! So, I'm glad I do care again and that the changes are making a difference. It's always my fear that I'll return to good eating behaviors and exercise and I won't lose.

Random thought #2:
It has been a year since I started this process. I don't remember the date exactly that I decided I would do this but it was around the beginning of November. I went to my program's seminar at the end of November and it all went on from there. In a year I managed to lose 65 pounds, wow. Considering 45 pounds of that was on my own, pre-banding in July, I'm pretty excited. I definitely proved to myself that I could do it and I know that my success over the past year is what keeps me saying that I know I WILL lose the weight. I feel confident about it now because I have been successful. I am also happy that over this past year I yo-yo'd a little but I always get back to my low, and lower. I could never say that before. During any other diet in my life if I regained at all chances were I would throw in the towel and give up. Not now.

Random thought #3:
Someday I will look back on this post and smile. I am glad that I write about my journey so that in the years to come I can look back and see how far I've come.

I'm Trying!

2009-11-11T17:34:00.001-08:00

That darn depression monster just won't let go. Seriously, I see that little orange monster dude from the weight watchers commercial when I say that. Things are better but I don't feel back to normal if that makes sense. I've kind of been in a fog and I'm not sure if that's the depression or the meds. or both, but, blech.

I refilled my BP meds. and lost a few pounds in water weight going back on those (yay!). Now I'm just up 6 pounds from my low which is WAAAAYYYY better than the 10 or so I was. I've been eating less (and better) and walking more. It's taking huge effort on my part to do it though and not just give in to the mood and sit down with a bucket 'o cheese balls and watch TV.

Thankfully, I've been busy with work. That photo business I started a month ago has taken off a little :) This week I had 6 shoots scheduled. I've done 2, one rescheduled due to an illness and I have 3 scheduled this weekend. Not bad for someone starting out I'd say. For the most part I love it. I love taking pictures, editing pictures, organizing all my paperwork, etc. It keeps me busy and gives me a new purpose. I'm not a huge fan of the customer service aspect and some people are just plain difficult to deal with. I also don't like having to direct people in a shoot, it still feels awkward to me. Oh well, I'll get over it.

So this is me, plugging along, trying to find the sun through the clouds.

Battling the Big Bad Monster

2009-11-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

I've suffered from depression for years. I was diagnosed in my early twenties after years of fighting it on my own. I developed generalized anxiety on top of the depression and that's what finally convinced me I needed help. Anyone with an anxiety disorder knows how debilitating it can be. For those who don't I'll give you a quick peak into what it was like. I would leave for work and get in the car. While driving to work I would worry about whether or not I locked the door to the house, repeatedly. Sometimes I would have to turn around and check. I'd worry about my dog and if she was OK while I was gone. Was she barking? Could the neighbors hear? Would they complain? Would we get in trouble with the landlord? What would we do then? Did I lock the door? Did I turn off the stove? Did I leave water for the dog? What if I get in a car accident? What if I'm late for work? And so on. My mind never stopped and it was exhausting. My doctor prescribed meds. and after a few tweaks and changes I felt a lot better.

Shortly after the birth of my first son I stopped taking my depression medication. I was on cloud 9 even though there were a lot of things in my life that were going wrong. I loved my son and there was no better feeling in the world to me than being a mom. Big Guy turned 5 this summer and I have for the most part handled my depression on my own since then. I did discover a few years ago that I suffer from PMDD (pre menstrual dysphoric disorder-think PMS times 10). I would take a Prozac like med. for two weeks a month and it helped. I often forgot to take it though, two weeks a month made it hard to get into a routine and before I knew it I stopped taking it altogether.

My depression comes in fits and storms. I know when I am feeling depressed and can usually pull myself out of it. Sometimes I feel down for a few days at a time, sometimes a little more or less but it's never anything life altering or major and most people around me don't even notice.

About a week and a half ago the big bad depression monster swallowed me whole. The pas few months have been tough. I've felt myself struggling to stay happy. After being so busy and on the go all summer the slower pace of Fall and Big Guy going to school threw me for a loop. I wasn't seeing my friends much because of different schedules, wasn't getting any time for myself, and I fell out of my exercise/diet routine. So I struggled but wasn't overly concerned and kept telling myself I'd get out of it, I just needed to find a new routine and I'd be good. It didn't happen and I hit a major depression. One day I just felt horrible. I really just wanted to lay in my bed and sleep, cry, stare at the ceiling, whatever. I wished someone would just come take my kids so I could be alone. I cried over everything, I did lay in bed some, I was miserable. I knew what had happened but could not find a way out. A few days before I had started taking my Prozac again, knowing that I was not recovering on my own, but it had not kicked in yet.

Am I better? Tough question. Better than that day? Yes. All better? No. I've been on the Prozac for over a week and not feeling a whole lot better. I'm hoping a little more time will help or else I'm going to have to go back and see my doc. for a change.

Weight wise, I suck. I've gained weight, nearly 10 pounds from my low. I comfort eat when I'm depressed and I clearly managed to do that. I feel like a failure band wise and feel like I am letting everyone down. I know, I know, everyone has problems and everyone struggles with things and I shouldn't feel like that but I do and frankly I know that doesn't help the depression. I just don't know what to do. Do I need a fill? Ugh, I dunno. I still get stuck a lot but mostly on things I probably shouldn't be eating or when I eat too fast. Yesterday was the first day in a long time I actually got full after eating a very small meal and I was hopeful. So a fill? My gut says no. Plus, I cannot imagine walking into the Bariatric center after gaining so much. UGH. I'm so overwhelmed by my failure with this I am finding it hard to find a place to start, know what I mean? I have a gym membership but have been struggling to find the time to get there without the kids b/c I can't afford to pay for them to play while I work out. I need to re-commit to walking when I don;t get to the gym so I am getting something.

Food has been especially hard lately. We are poor. I mean, paycheck to paycheck, and most times that's not enough poor. Do we pay the power bill or buy groceries? So yea, food has been hard. Shopping on a strict budget with two little ones to feed means a lot of our meals are protein less, carb filled, non weight loss surgery friendly meals.

So that's my update. It's not a happy one, it's not the one I wish I could post. I want to be successful again and I know I will be, I know it's in me I just have to crawl out of the depression monsters belly and get back to being me again.

Derek

2009-11-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

Several months ago a message popped up in my Facebook inbox. It was from someone named Derek Torres. Derek, it turns out was friends with my ex brother in law and sister. My ex BIL, Lee, told Derek about my upcoming lapband surgery and Derek sent me a message. Derek and I quickly became friends and often exchanged messages. I soon learned that Derek, who lived in Paris, was pursuing gastric bypass surgery. He had a lot of questions about what I had gone through here in the states and was interested in comparing the process. Derek was a funny guy and his emails always made me smile. Derek was a husband and father to three young children and he wanted to be better for them. He wanted more energy, he wanted to be healthy, he wanted to live a long life and watch his children grow. We connected on that level, one of my main reasons for having surgery was my kids, they deserve to have the best mom I can be. I was mildly concerned when I saw on Facebook a few weeks ago that Derek wasn't feeling well. My own children had been sick and I didn't have much time so I never wrote to see how he was. THe posts got a little worse and the last post he left on Facebook was about having to go in to the ER and he just knew they were going to keep him. By now I knew Derek had swine flu and was really sick. Derek never got to post again. Derek Torres passed away in a Paris hospital Tuesday. I was devastated when I got the news and cried for quite some time. I still get tears writing about it. It seems so unfair to me. Derek was doing all he could to become a healthier man, he had great plans and will never get to fulfill them. I am having a really hard time with it b/c the past few months I've been slacking with the weight loss thing and it makes me feel guilty. I was given my chance and I'm not making the most of it and others, like Derek, will never get the chance. I am trying to make the most of the situation and it certainly has reminded me how lucky I am to be here, to spend every day with my family.

Detox

2009-10-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

Food addicition SUCKS. I'm not sure how many of you out there have ever been addicted to something and tried to quit but UGH. The past month and half?? (maybe more) I have not been able to control my eating. Seriously I feel like some little monster scarfing down food like it's the last thing I'll ever eat. Today I am detoxing. I started my day with a slim fast shake and plan to have another for lunch and another for dinner. In between maybe some sugar free jello, broth, sugar free popsicles, etc. I NEED to spend a few days on liquids and get all this crap out of my body and get my head back in the game.

Why is food so powerful over me? I turn to it for comfort. When I'm sad, I eat. Angry? eat. Bored? EAT. Want to celebrate? Let's eat! Seriously, craziness.

One of the biggest hurdles for me right now is the season, Fall. I love Fall but one of the reasons I love Fall is all those heavy, warm, comforting foods. I need to step away from the pies, breads, heavy soups, casseroles and everything else. I'm walking away, walking A.Way.

Detox is going to suck. I'm already thinking of food and looking longingly at the refrigerator. But, I can do this. I am doing this and right now I'm doing it in honor of a friend, Derek. Derek lives in Paris and has been preparing for bypass surgery. He has 3 young kids and knew it was time to get his health in check so he could be around for them and enjoy life with the more. I've been very proud of him and following his journey. This past week Derek fell ill with the Swine Flu and is currently in the ICU in really bad shape. It doesn't look good. I can't believe that after he's worked so hard to turn his health around this happened. It would be so cruel if he never got a chance. Derek has helped me realize how lucky I am to be where I am. I am lucky that I have had the surgery and have the tool to help me and now I need to use it. I am so very thankful to have made it this far and be where I am but I can't wait to do more, be more, in honor of a great guy. Derek, get well soon, there's so much more out there for you to do and I want to see you accomplish it all.

Today's the Day

2009-10-24T03:57:00.000-07:00

I'm climbing back on the wagon people, it's time. I've eaten all the junk I could possibly eat and I feel yucky. I crave my fruits and veggies, time to bring them back. So wish me luck and come along for the ride.

Struggling~Big Time

2009-10-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't lost any weight in 2 months or more. Sigh. I can tell you it's all my own fault. For whatever reason I just haven't been putting the energy into it. I've been eating things that aren't healthy and haven't been exercising like I should. I don't know why except that I think I just needed a break. This process has been consuming my life for almost a year now and I think I just needed to stp back and chill. I've been playing with about 5 pounds up and down but I always get back down so I consider it maintaining my lowest weight. I'm thankful for that. I keep saying I'm going to get back in it, I set new goals, I make new plans but in reality I'm tired, worn out, and just plain busy. Focusing on yourself takes a lot of time and energy and I just haven't been doing it lately. I KNOW that I WILL get back there, soon, I hope. I'm not going to beat myself up for it, that's pointless. I'm contemplating another fill but scared. I've had a hard time since my last one and am definitely a lot tighter than before. My problems are really just not chewing enough, taking bites that are too big and eating too fast. Old habits are hard to break. I know I need a fill though, because I can still eat too much at one sitting. This is all so complex sometimes it makes my head hurt. So, thanks for all the support you all have provided, I'm sorry for letting you all down the past few months. I'll get there, in my own time.

No Time For Me

2009-10-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

Little Guy has been really sick. He had a cold for a few weeks and then got a lot worse. The first time I brought him in (on a Sunday) he got a quick exam and it was declared just a cold. Less than 48 hours later we were back at the doctor and it was ruled pneumonia. He continued to get worse, even on antibiotics and then had a brief spurt of seeming better. It didn't last long and we were back in our doctors office Monday. The pneumonia was worse, he had an ear infection and maybe a UTI. Really?? How did he manage to get two NEW infections while on an antibiotic. So they changed the antibiotic and sent us on our way. Fast forward to today, he should be better. Is he?? Hard to tell. Not enough for me to say yes and feel confident about it. I am supposed to call the doctor today and give an update. I think we'll be sent for chest xrays this afternoon.

Little Guy has been such a trooper and really the only thing he wants is, me. "Need you mommy" "want you mommy" and "just need mommy" are all he says. This has left very little time for me. I haven't been to the gym in well over a week and my diet has lacked a LOT. I am happy to have maintained my weight loss but sad I haven't continued losing. My goal was to be 225 by Halloween and while I knew it was a stretch it was doable. Now, not so much. My new goal is to break out of the 240's by then. It's only a few pounds but I haven't been able to get there so I am setting a goal. 239 by Halloween. I can do it!!!

So, that's where I've been......pinned under a coughing, feverish, vomiting 2.5 year old pathetic little boy. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.

3 Month Follow Up

2009-10-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

Today I was scheduled to have my 3 month follow up appointments with the nutritionist and nurse at the Bariatric Center. I had to cancel. Little Guy is sick with a nasty cough and now I have it too, along with what sounds like pop rocks in my chest. Yuck. I am happy to report that if I had gone today I would have weighed in the same as at my last fill. While I would love to report a loss I am happy with what I have. After that last fill I gained a lot of weight, some water, some not. At one point I was up 10 pounds. Thankfully I have shed all of those and am back to where I was. Now, time to keep losing. I am craving major comfort foods b/c I am sick so let's keep our fingers crossed that I can still make healthy choices.

Temptation Cometh

2009-10-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have to get weighed on Monday and I have been busting my butt to lose the weight I had re-gained after my last fill. Then this food walks in the door.

My mom. She means well, I swear she does. They are supposed to be treats for the kids. I know, I know, no kid needs that many treats but I tell ya, she means well. This is not a post flaming mom for her need to feed my kids......it's about temptation. All of those foods call to me. They talk to me at midnight,2AM,4AM and just about every time I walk into the kitchen. Sigh. Why don't the apples talk to me?

The Gym is Good

2009-10-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

I made it to the gym three days this week. Now I know that's not heart stopping news or anything but as a stay at home mom to two boys I think I did well. I also played tennis one night, walked another and have plans for tennis or a walk again tonight. I like the gym, it feels good to get all sweaty and gross and feel like I accomplished something. I can do 20 minutes on the elliptical which works out to about 3.5 miles or so. I alternate my speed, per my trainers instruction, so sometimes I am really going for it and other's chugging along moderately. This week I also started in on the treadmill. I didn't think I would because I do still go for walks in the neighborhood but I'm glad I did. It's different walking on a treadmill and I get a better pace and have to keep it up or fall off, lol. Now that I am getting comfortable on a treadmill again I want to start jogging for chunks of time. My overall goal is really to be able to run a 5K. There is a runner trapped in this body and it's dying to get out!!

Speaking of running, Sarah, a fellow lap band blogger is training for her first 5K! She's so inspisring to me and I hate, hate, hate that she is down on herself right now. If you have time head on over and encourage her to keep running!!!

an open letter

2009-10-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

Dear 5 uninvited pounds,

You are not welcome here. I don't like you, I don't want you, you can leave now. You were not invited to come back and reside on my waist, hips and thighs. In fact, I believe I threw you a lovely going away party the last time you left. Perhaps it was too nice of a party and you came back for more, won't happen.

I am doing my best to show you I am not a hospitable hostess. All that time on the elliptical, treadmill, and chasing balls around a tennis court is not your thing! You like couch lounging, cake tasting, and general laziness. Please find someone more your speed to reside on.

I will admit that occasionally I throw you a bone and feed you some of your favorite foods but please!!! I have not eaten nearly enough junk to warrant your stay for this long. 1000-1200 calories a day plus lots of exercise does not, I repeat not, warrant a weight gain.

So, 5 pounds, I suggest you pack up quickly and leave town. Feel free to take additional pounds with you. They will not be missed!

Busy

2009-09-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

The scale is not my friend. The scale is not my friend. The scale is not my friend. OK, now that I have that out of my system I can move on. I've been falling off and climbing back on the wagon for a few weeks now. It's tiring. I have been doing well this week so far but the scale refuses to reflect those changes. I am still going to the gym (woohoo!). I went early early Monday AM and just got home from a mid day workout today. I also played tennis again Monday night. All that activity would surely move the scale. Nope.

Monday I have to go for my 3 month follow up at the Bariatric Center and at this point I know that I will have to explain a gain :( My worst fear. Oh well, people make mistakes, right? I've learned from mine and am doing my best to do what's right. That has to count for something.

On top of everything else I decided to go into the photography business. It's something I have always loved and I think I am pretty good at what I do, not great but pretty good. So I made a website and advertised on Craigslist as well as my Facebook page. I have 5 potential clients interested already. Wow! It's exciting and scary all at once. My photo site is http://www.myphotosbycolleen.blogspot.com/ if you are interested in checking it out. Hopefully I can make a go of this and earn a little money while doing something I am passionate about.

Fat Girl On The Move

2009-09-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm still fat but I'm working on it!

Where to begin....

The other night my landlady and I broke out some tennis rackets and headed over to the courts at the high school. It was a lot of fun!! We are both on the same level (one step up from horrible :) Last night we went again and had improved to pretty bad. The thing that I love is that it's a great workout and I am having FUN. I laugh and smile and sweat at the same time. I couldn't ask for more. I can't wait to play again.

When I was little I used to spend hours hitting a tennis ball against the wall of the high school across the street. I always wanted to pursue playing tennis in school but never had the guts because I was the fat girl and fat girls don't play sports. So, playing tennis now makes me feel like I am re-living a part of my life I never lived in the first place if that makes any sense.

Today I went to the Fitness Studio here in my town. The owners are the parents of a boy in Big Guy's class and we met at a play date the other day. I had a free assessment today and it was great. Stacey was wonderful and is setting me up with a workout plan. I set up an appt. for an assessment months ago when I first started losing weight but canceled due to a sick kid and nerves. I didn't feel worthy enough of a good trainer and gym. Keeping my appointment today felt good even though I was nervous. I know that I have come a long way in the past 9 months but I am a realist and know that I have a long way to go. Being overweight I have always been scared of working out in front of other people. I fear being judged. I felt awkward today and out of place but tried to put that aside and remind myself that I was there for me and other people's opinions don't matter. Stacey made me feel at home and was very encouraging. There was a lot of positive but let me tell ya, I am out of shape. I feel awkward and uncoordinated on the elliptical and I didn't miss the fact that my stomach is dangerously close to the console. I NEVER would have fit on it 65 pounds ago. It was one of those moments that reminded me I am still a big girl. Stacey later had me working with weights while on a ball. It was a great. She asked if I had ever worked out on a ball before and I said no. I was honest; I had always been afraid I'd pop the ball. She guaranteed that would not happen. Stacey taught me lots of great exercises and I am still feeling some of them and I didn't do many! Yikes.

So yup, the fat girl is on the move and hopefully that means the fat will be on the move out the door!

Bear With Me

2009-09-16T05:58:00.000-07:00

This could end up being one of those long dis-jointed posts that barely makes sense, so bear with me.

I was super excited to hit the 65 pound mark today. It means I now weigh 241 and am sooo close to hitting the 230's...maybe by Monday?? Every time I hit a milestone though I pause for some reflection. Back in November I was miserable with my size, miserable. I knew I had gained weight and thought I was in the 290's, I was 306. I went to see my PCP b/c I thought for sure there had to be some medical reason for the gain. I had gained 30+ pounds in 6 months or so. My PCP, Allison, tested my thyroid and all came back normal. I was devastated. Really? It's just me and I'm slowly killing myself with food? I never thought then that I would be able to turn it around. Even after deciding on lap band I had little faith. I thought I'd be one of the few people that the band doesn't work for. Look at me now! I'm down 65 pounds and many sizes and inches and can do so much more than I could then. I am more comfortable in my body (still have a way to go), and now believe that I will continue to be succesful.

I am so proud of how much weight I lost pre-band, 45 pounds. I proved a lot to myself in that time and it made me a different person. It reminded me how strong I really I am and gave me a boost of confidence that was long overdue.

My weight loss ticker used to be daunting......100 pounds??? Who was I kidding? I could never lose more than 30 and could NEVER keep it off. Now?? Well, I am more than half way there and I love watching the numbers change in my favor. Sure there are days when I curse the damn thing b/c it hasn't moved in too long but those days are few and far between.

Lately I've caught a few episodes of the show Ruby on Style. She is an obese woman losing weight. She has a team of doctors, trainers, and support helping her and her progress has been amazing. Yesterday's episode (re-run) made me cry. She went out to a restaurant with an old boyfriend and was having a good time until some rude men starting making remarks about her weight and being, well, stupid and juvenile in my opinion. Ruby's comment about the whole thing is what brought the tears. She said something to the effect of; you are out having a good time and not thinking about being obese and then someone does or says something to remind you. You know you are fat but sometimes you are having such a good time that it's not the focus in your mind, until....stupidity. I know exactly what she means. There are days that I feel so good about how I look, where I am weight wise, etc. and then something happens.....a stare, a comment, a narrow chair. There are reminders everywhere that you are not the norm and that you are fat.

I did start walking again! Go me!! It feels good and definitely helps on the scale front. I never used to mind walking alone at night but one night about a week ago I went out alone and some high school or college kids went by in a pick up. They shouted some obscenties and flipped me off. It was unnerving. I am trying not to let it get to me and also trying to get out while it is still a little light out. For now I'll stick to the main roads with lots of traffic and lights. I hate feeling insecure in my own neighborhood, it's a nice place. I'm sure it was just some random thing but, well you know.

So, yup, long winded and dis-jointed. If you made it this far thanks! Stay tuned for more random ramblings.

Glad I Went

2009-09-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

I weighed in at 244 (fully clothed) which was down 4 pounds in 2 weeks! Yay! This AM at home I was 242, I need to change my ticker finally!

The fill was quick and easy, phew. I now have 5.25 cc's in my 10 cc band.

I'm Gonna Go For It (with trepidation)

2009-09-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have a fill scheduled for tomorrow at 10 and have been going back and forth about whether or not to keep it. Mainly I am afraid of the scale and scared of having to explain a stall or gain. This AM however I weighed in at 244 and just now on the scale, fully clothes I was 246. I am hoping the doctors scale will say the same (last time it said I was heavier than my scale). At least 246 would be a two pound loss in two weeks, I can handle that. Sigh......it's going to stress me out until it's over but I really think it's for the best, I need more restriction. My restriction has been really weird. Mornings are definitely tighter and I read that a lot on lap band boards. Good to know I fall into "normal" on that one. Other than that though it's really hit or miss. Sometimes I eat something and it goes down just fine and others it totally hurts and feels stuck. There's no rhyme or reason that I can come up with.

With this fill tomorrow I pledge to follow the rules more closely. I will do protein shakes until the swelling goes down, I will be kind to my band, I will exercise daily, and I will get my protein and water.

It Was An Adventure

2009-09-14T05:51:00.001-07:00

Camping was good, for the most part. We got to our site around 6:30 and the sun set quickly. For those of you who don't know, my partner is blind. She can see some in light but once darkness hits, forget it. So I basically set up camp on my own which was fine except for the "mommy can I ride my bike?", "mommy can we make s'mores?", "mommy can we go for a walk?", etc, etc, etc. I nearly lost my cool several times. Eventually though we were set up, I got a fire going and the kids roasted marshmallows, phew. It sprinkled a few times but nothing to worry about. Saturday AM was beautiful. The kids and I got up early and had a fire, ate breakfast and drank hot cocoa next to the lake. Perfection. Around 10 it started to rain, no surprise, the forecast was for showers all day. We went to Sadie's parents house for lunch and watched the rain and the radar. There was no end in sight. Around 2 we headed back to the campground and to the game room. After some time there we spent some good play time in the tent with dinosaurs and books :) The rain started to dampen our spirits around 4 and we made an executive decision to go home for the night. We had Chinese food and a movie in the warmth of our home....aahhh. Sunday morning we rose early and went to Grammy and Grampa's for a HUGE breakfast (I ate way too much) and then back to the campground. We took the wet gear down and then we rented a canoe. It was the first time Sadie and I had ever been out together and the first for the kids. It was great!!!!!! Everyone had a good time (except Grammy having a heart attack on shore waiting for us to flip :) So while it wasn't the most conventional camping trip it was full of lots of good things and good family time. I can't wait to do it again next year, minus the rain.

Slacking All Around

2009-09-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

I started walking again and then stopped again. Ugh. I know once I get back into a routine it will be good but I'm having a hard time. Big Guy starting Kindergarten kind of threw our routine for a loop. I think and hope we are settling into a new routine.

After the fever/yucky illness a few weeks ago I thought I was on the road to recovery with the new antibiotics and I was, from that illness. The antibiotics, however, did a number on me and I developed oral thrush. Yuck. My mouth and throat HURT. So now I am on a medication for that.....it tastes like band aids smell.....blech. The thrush led to some dietary changes......not good ones. Ice cream felt delightful in the sore mouth/throat. Ugh.

The weight....the big question....one I hate answering. I was down to 242.8 right after the yucky bug. I think some of that was dehydration b/c I went back up. For a day or two I saw 250!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!! Then it started to go back down. I am floating up, down, and all around 246 which is where I was before. It makes me sad to think that this month I lost nothing, and I had two fills. Sigh.

Speaking of fills, I am due to get one on Tuesday but am debating it. Part of me thinks I need to get back on track before I do it and part of me thinks it will help get me back on track. Then there's the part of me that doesn't want to go simply b/c I'll have to get on the scale and am terrified I will have GAINED and have to explain that. There's a lot of shame to that for me.

We are off to go camping this w/end! I am excited and apprehensive. It's been chilly here lately and I hope we are warm enough. I also worry about entertaining the kids for a few days in the great outdoors. I have my fingers crossed it will be OK. Then there's the food issue. I tend to be extra hungry and eat more when I am outside and busy. I really need to stay on track this weekend.

I guess that's all from here. Not an overly positive post but it's where I am at. This journey sure is full of ups and downs, more than I ever expected. There are sooo many aspects to losing weight and being healthy and sometimes life throws more at you than you can handle......or at least more than I can handle and things get all wacky. I'm owning it though and planning to get back on track. For me, that's all that matters.

Fill #2 and a few curse words

2009-09-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

I went into fill number 2 with little concern. My first fill had been so quick and gone so smoothly. I should have known. Little Guy came with me and he was SO good. It took over 20 minutes with me on the table and he just sat and played with his baby doll and the plastic stomach model the nurse gave him. What a good kid. The fill...oh, the fill. She stuck me once and kept moving the needle around but could not access the port so she took a deep breath and tried again. No success. As a last ditch effort I rolled on my side and she stuck me again, it worked. Phew. I got 1cc to bring me up to a total of 4. I made an appointment for 2 weeks out for another fill since she doesn't think I'll have much restriction until at least 5cc's. I am not looking forward to doing that again.

Catching Up

2009-08-31T05:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy few weeks. Right after my first fill the boys got sick. First Little Guy and then Big Guy. A few days later it was my turn. I didn't recover nearly as quick as the boys, ugh. After 7 days of feeling like horse poo I went to the doctor and she gave me some antibiotics, phew. All is well now :) In the beginning of not feeling well I gained weight. Nothing healthy sounded good. By the time I went to the doctors though I was back to where I had been, thank you! Then I just started losing.....I honestly wasn't even trying. I'll take it! So my new low is 242.8 :) I am up a bit this AM but forgot to take my diuretic BP meds yesterday so I am sure that attributed to it. We'll see what the scale says tomorrow.

My last post was an emotional one. I absolutely HATE the before pictures. I hated them when I first saw them months ago. My brother in law took them and put them on Facebook. I quickly de-tagged them. Ugh. I love the new pictures which is such an odd feeling, it made me cry. The person in the pictures matches the person I see in the mirror, finally. It's so hard because I am so hard on myself and still see how far I have to go but that post reminded me of how far I have come.

In other news, Big Guy starts Kindergarten TODAY!!! WOW! I have to go with him today for a sort of orientation but tomorrow he will board the big yellow bus (sniff sniff). Can someone pass the tissues?

I have another fill tomorrow as well, first thing in the morning. I need it and can't wait to see how it feels. I also need to get walking again. All the sickness led to a sedentary me, blech. Time to kick it up again and get moving. The weather is changing and that makes walks so much nicer. I love the cool Fall-esque weather :)

Well, hopefully that's it. I'll let you know how fill number 2 goes tomorrow!

Pictures!!!

2009-08-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

Before:

After:

I actually like some of these new pictures of myself!! I'll post some befores too if I can figure it out.

It Paid Off

2009-08-18T04:45:00.000-07:00

All that hard work the past few days trying to rid myself of the water weight paid off in more ways than one. I did shed the water pounds and some others as well. The grand total is now 60 pounds gone forever! Adios! Bon Voyage!

In fill news.....I like it! There is probably still some swelling from having the fill done but for now I like the restriction. We went out for ice cream last night and I couldn't even finish my SMALL. Wow! I was full, full, full.

Anyone interested in inches lost? I never thought I would be but wow! I took the first measurements the day before surgery, 6 weeks ago.

Waist: then 46" now 43"
Hips: then 55" now 51"
Bust: then 46" now 44"
Thigh: then 28" now 26.75"
Calf: then 16.75" now 16"

So......in 6 weeks I have lost 11 inches!! Woohoo! I love that more than half of those inches came off the waist and hips :)

And it's over

2009-08-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

Phew, the appts. are behind me. The 6 week check in with the surgeon was pointless. It went something like this:
doc: "any questions, concerns, issues, anything?"
Me "nope"
doc: "let me take a peek at your belly" poke poke poke...... "OK, let's get you out of here"

I waited 20 minutes in the waiting room for a 3 minute visit. Go figure.

Next I went to the office next door to meet with the RN for my fill. I have a 10cc band, a good thing to know. Apparently they flush it with 5cc's at the time of surgery and some gets left in so she has to figure out how much I have in there and she can give me up to 2cc's more but not bring me to more than 4cc's. So she poked around my belly for a while trying to feel the port and then stuck the needle in. Some people have 3cc's left after the flushing, I had 1. So that's why I've been so hungry and why I can eat a lot. I had no restriction. So now I have 3cc's in my band. Let's see how that goes. I do have an appt. in two weeks for another fill, the nurse was fairly confident this one was not going to cut it. She said typically patients seem happiest between 5 and 6cc's.

Oh wait, I did leave out the part where the surgeon said that a lot of people don't lose as much weight as I had in the 6 weeks b/c of the hunger and that I had done well. Yay me!

Ah ha!

2009-08-17T04:31:00.000-07:00

Take that water weight....ADIOS! I worked my butt off and it paid off. The 5 pounds of water weight are gone as is an extra 1/2 pound. Thank God! I feel so much better about going to the appts. now. I will update later with the doctor scale official weight and tell you all about the fill (still scared!).

ARGH

2009-08-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

Thursday things were looking good. I was going the right direction on the scale and a mere 2 pounds from the goal I set. Then it all went to hell. I ate a few things I shouldn't have and took in too much salt. That combined with a sudden heat wave here in Maine added up to unwanted pounds of water weight. It started yesterday and I have been trying to make it go away ever since. I WAS up about 5 pounds and now I'm up about 2.5. So frustrating though, right before a weigh in. I haven't eaten much today and have been downing water and water with lemon to try to flush the water out. I worked out hard this AM, took a short bike ride with Big guy after dinner and plan on a long walk again tonight and tomorrow morning. Something has to work, right?? I'm not sure why it's stressing me out so much, probably just b/c I set a goal for myself and I'm falling short. I have no idea what the surgeon and/or bariatric center are expecting at weigh in tomorrow.

I am also a bit of a stress case about my first fill tomorrow. I now know that I DO need one. I am not necessarily very hungry much (aside from head hunger) but when I do eat I can eat a lot! I look forward to having more restriction so I can eat less but I also worry about adjusting to the restriction. It's learning to eat all over again. Will something get stuck? How much can I eat? Oy, so much to think about.

So for tonight please think water dissipating thoughts. I need to sweat and pee 2.5 pounds out by tomorrow, yikes! Wish me luck!

I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all about the first fill experience and give you the official weight-bah.

It's About TIme

2009-08-13T04:16:00.000-07:00

Morbidly obese? Not me! Today my BMI dipped below 40 and I am no longer considered "morbidly" obese. I have now dropped 58.8 pounds and 9.5 points from my BMI. Those are things to celebrate :)

I am desperately trying to reach my goal of 245 by my appt. on Monday. I am at 247.2, just 2 pounds away!!!! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.......

NSV's

2009-08-11T04:19:00.000-07:00

NSV's are non scale victories and I have had a few lately!

Last Friday I went on a walk with S, Big guy, Little Guy and some family in town for Big Guy's party. At the end, Big guy wanted to race me to the end of the trail (he was on his scooter). I jogged the last stretch of trail no problem and at the end I was NOT winded!!!! Yay! After that we went out to dinner, which I did not overeat at and then to a playground. The next NSV came when I realized my big behind actually fits on the slide again ~ woohoo! And then......I did the monkey bars! I have not been able to do the monkey bars since I was a kid, it was great (aside from the resulting blisters and arm pain the next day ;)

Big Guy's party led to yet another NSV. I was looking through pictures that my brother in law sent and at one point there was someone standing behind one of the kids and I thought it was Grammy. In my head I said "hmm....grammy looks a little chunky in this pic. I wasn't being critical I just hadn't noticed while she was there and thought it was odd. Then I realized the person in the background was ME! I'll take "a little chunky" any day.

The scale is still at 249 for now. I had dropped to 248 but I did have some cake and non diet foods with the party and all so that's OK. I have my follow up appt. and first fill appt. on Monday. I need to go back and see what my goal was for that...hmmmm.....right now I am hoping to get to 246 by then but it's going to be tough.

I did it!!

2009-08-06T04:16:00.000-07:00

This AM I weighed in at 249 even!!! Woohooo!!!!!!!!!!! I am now closer to 200 than 300 and out of the 250's forever!!

Weight loss since beginning of journey: 57 pounds (8 months) (avg. 1.64#/week)
Weight loss since day of surgery: 12 pounds (4 weeks 2 days) (avg. 2.8#/week)

I've been a bad blogger

2009-08-04T05:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I haven't updated in over a week. Not much to report, the scale is still stuck. At least I haven't gained or if I did I took it off again. Sigh....I hope to be able to come back and report that I have dropped below 250....it's so close but remains elusive. Someday.....soon.......

Pedal, pedal, pedal

2009-07-27T03:39:00.001-07:00

The other day after much contemplation I decided to buy a new bike. My old bike, a cheap mountain bike handed down from my mom, is falling apart and not worthy of repair. I didn't have much money to spend so 'round these parts that means you head to Wal Mart. I LOVE my new bike. Seriously, like can't wait to wake up and ride it every day LOVE it. I went with a cruiser bike; coaster brakes, no gears, big seat.......so comfy! S calls it a granny bike but she wants one too ;) I rode about 2.5/3 miles the first day and then the second day I went for it......5 miles!!! Not sure what I was thinking. The middle and end section of the ride were very hilly and by the time I got home I was a wreck. I was huffing and puffing like a dog in heat and covered in sweat. My legs were jello and my booty hurt. Strangely, it felt good. I was so proud of myself for making it all the way. 5 miles on a bike ain't too shabby for a fat girl huh? LOL. Yesterday it rained and my new bike had to sit and wait but this morning I got back on. I woke up a little too late so I only had 30 mnutes to ride so I did the 2.5/3 mile ride again no problem. TOmorrow I have a 4 mile ride mapped out. I'll do 5 miles gain, soon, but probably not the same route. It was REALLY hard. I'll get back to it again, I know I will, I just need to work up to it a little.

Preliminary results

2009-07-24T04:29:00.000-07:00

I ate approximately 300 more calories yesterday and even ate some brownie batter when I was baking with the kids. The results this AM?? Down a pound and a half. Who knew? (well my nutritionist :)

Puzzle

2009-07-23T14:07:00.001-07:00

This whole weight loss journey is one big puzzle. Just when I think I have almost solved the puzzle someone shakes the table and the pieces go flying. Back to square one.

I was losing weight post op, fairly quickly too. Sunday I hit the 10 pounds down mark and was so excited! All my hard work was paying off. Then this week someone shook the table and I am up 3 pounds. What? Huh?? I eat next to nothing, walk at least once (usually twice) a day, drink all my required fluids, eat my 60 grams of protein. WTF?

Could it be water weight? It COULD but that really isn't consoling. It hasn't budged and should have by now.

I'm just so frustrated and tired of it being such a battle. A plateau is one thing but gaining just chips away at your confidence and makes you question everything.

So I emailed my nutrtionist today and she agreed with what I thought the problem was. I am not eating ENOUGH. My day typcally ends in a total of 600-800 calories and she says I should aim for 1200 with no less than 1000. Do you have any idea how hard it is to tell yourself that in order to lose weight you need to eat more? Hell, I thought that was what cause this weight problem in the first place. UGH.

With that in mind I have made a conscious effort to eat more calories today. How's it going? Well, I just ate dinner and I'm still only at 789 calories. I don't usually have a snack before bed but it looks like I'll need to tonight and a pretty significant one.

Interested in what I ate today? (I like to tell myself you are ;)
B: Fage 0% (no fat greek yogurt) mixed with no sugar added crushed pineapple and splenda
S: 1 Cup skim milk with sugar free chocolate syrup and 2 TBSP red. fat peanut butter
L: 3 medium egg whites scrambled with skim milk, laughing cow light cheese and a veggie/soy faux sausage patty
S: 1 Cup No fat pudding
D: 1 Cup Progresso Light Beef Pot Roast soup

That's a LOT of food for me! I am still supposed to be on soft foods so it's hard to find things that fit that description. I think I'll try half a banana for snack (55 calories) and who knows what else....applesauce?? Still not enough calories. ARGH.

Well, that's my little rant for today. I didn't expect this to be easy but maybe not quite as challenging as this.

2 Week Check In

2009-07-21T04:47:00.000-07:00

2 weeks post op today and feeling great! I can still feel my port and that area still gets sore from time to time but less often than before. Today I move on to soft foods. I do admit that over the past few days I've already started a few soft foods and it's gone well. As of today I am down 10 pounds since surgery and 55 pounds in all. I am walking at least once a day but usually twice. My incisions are healing well and a lot less itchy than before. I can't think of anything else to update you on, it's all going really, really well.

Ouch

2009-07-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

*************Warning: This post will contain rather unsavory information about one of the downfalls of the lap bad*******************

Today I had my first major "Stuck" episode and PB (productive burp). It hurt! I decided to give lunch meat a try as it's fairly soft and moist. I forgot one of THE most important rules of the lap band; chew, chew, chew and then chew some more. I don't know what I was thinking, clearly I wasn't. As soon as I swallowed I panicked and realized I hadn't chewed it enough. Then the pain came and I knew I was stuck and had blocked the hole the food passes through to my stomach. I immediately felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom. I'm not trying to be overly gaphic but I know when I was researching lap band I wanted to know what a PB was like. It's not a full on vomit, some people truly do just burp up whatever is stuck. I coughed and out it came. It hurt for a good 10 minutes after that but it was over. Phew. THe rest of today and early tomorrow I'll stick to liquids to be kind to my pouch, it's not very happy right now.

Goals

2009-07-18T04:39:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be a good time to sit down and write out the goals I have in terms of weight loss. According to the bariatric center and the "average" weight loss they expect me to get to around 200 pounds as a goal. I was fine with that before losing 45 pounds on my own. Now I see 200 as a short term goal and ultimately I'd like to get to 150-175. I know it will be a lot of hard work but I'm up to the challenge. To break it down further here are my short term goals:
245 by Aug 17 (post op appts and first fill)
225 by Halloween
210 by Xmas
206 by Jan 11-my bday-I'd LOVE to be done 100 pounds by then!!!!

Most of these goals are based on losing 2 pounds a week. 1-2 pounds a week is average for a bander so I am shooting for the high end here but I have high hopes.

(disclaimer: while I know I will be disappointed if I don't hit the goals I also know that it's OK. Really, as long as the scale moves in the right direction, no matter how fast or slow I will be happy)

One Week

2009-07-14T04:34:00.000-07:00

One week after surgery and I feel good! I wake up pain free and remain so for most of the day. Usually starting around dinner time I start to ache around my port area and if I do anything at night it hurts enough to say ouch when move but not really need any meds. I can sleep on my stomach and have been since a few days post op, phew! Food is still a challenge. I just made it through a lovely round of PMS when I was stuck on liquids so I'd say that's a success! This first week I lost around 6 pounds and I haven't really devoted any time to exercise yet. I was really busy and I know that helped but I also know that when I start walking again it should help even more. I hope to start that tomorrow, tonight I have t-ball with big guy :)

Last night I spent some time re-reading old blog posts. I cried. It's amazng to me what can change in 8 months. I have come so far and am so proud of myself. I struggled for a few months in the middle there but I didn't give up and here I am today. I am stronger than I ever knew. I am so much happier at the weight I am at now than I was 50 pounds ago. I know I have a long way to go but it feels good to be comfortable in my own skin again.

I'm thankful I hit rock bottom, I'm thankful I had a friend talk about wanting lap band surgery (thanks Jules!!), I'm thankful for every minute of ths journey and I am thankful to have all of you by my side.

Wow

2009-07-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

50 pounds gone forever, amazing. I have never, ever, lost that much weight. It's exciting and motivating. Another 50 and I'll be the same size I was sophmore year of college when I thinned out for a year (maybe less). I loved that time, I was a size 16 and could shop just about anywhere. Yay!!

Food and Fun

2009-07-11T15:18:00.001-07:00

It's been a busy few days for me! Post op Day 1 I went with Grammy and the boys to the Bounce Zone and out to lunch. I was sore and tired by the time we got home but it was fun. Post op day 2 we all went mini golfing and to lunch at a little diner. Again, sore and tired when we got home. That night I was really sore, really. Post op day 3 I took the car for an oil change and then the boys and I headed to Grammy's house for a sleepover. I got to take a nap and then we hit the beach for a walk, took the boys to the playground and then headed home for the night. Today, post op day 4, we went to an amusement park!! I lasted 3.5 hours before really feeling sore and needing to leave.

Food has been interesting. Mostly I have been focusing on getting in enough fluids. Slim Fast is still a good friend of mine since it helps with the protein. I have also been eating low fat cottage cheese, fat free refried beans, healthy request cream of chicken soup, cream of wheat, and SF pudding. I haven't had a problem with any of it. The first two weeks post op I have to stay on "liquids" but the list they gave me includes quite a few foods that I would call "mushies" (stage 2). Whatever, it works!

I feel hungry a few times a day and it hurts!! My stomach rumbles and grumbles and it causes some pain around the band area. It takes only 3-4 ounces of food to fill me up depending on the consistency. Things that are more liquidy obviously go right through the band opening and the thicker things take longer.

One of the more interesting parts in being so active post op is that food choices on the go are hard I bring my water bottle everywhere but sometimes I need to eat!! At the diner the other day I ordered a side of mashed potatoes (soooooo yummy). I ate about half before I was full. Today at the amusement park my only option was soft serve ice cream. It was really yummy but not the best pick nutritionally. Oh well, had to do what I had to do.

My incisions are healing well. All of my steri strips are off now :) The little incisions are great, some a little itchy but not horrible. They all have some bruising. The bigger incision, where the port is, hurts the most. It's quite bruised and itchy right now, yuck.

Hmmmm.....anything else you want to know??

Bucket List

2009-07-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

There is a whole bunch of stuff I want to do as I slim down. Things I didn't do before b/c I was too fat. I thought I'd start making a list here so I don't forget.

1) Kayaking (I was always afraid I'd sink before)
2) Horseback riding (I won't need the huge draft horse anymore :)
3) Get a hammock on a stand for the back yard (I was always over the weight limit before)
4) Wear dresses! I love casual cotton dresses but looked horrible in them before.
5) Go to Disney World!!! (I'll fit on the plane and on the rides-yay!)

Done!

2009-07-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

I am officially banded! I went in this AM, had to arrive at 9:30 for a 10:30 surgery. The surgeon was running late so I got bumped back a bit. It went pretty well. They had a hard time getting my IV in, ouch! It took three sticks but finally I was hooked up. I got a blood thinner injection in my belly (another ouch) and was good to go. I barely remember the operating room, they got me knocked out pretty quick. I woke up in recovery and was a little nauseous but it went away quickly. I went through the paces so I could go home as soon as possible. I got dressed, went to the bathroom, and drank the required 300 cc's of water. They say I got to recovery at 12:40 and I was discharged at 3 :) I have a little pain but it's not bad. A lot of the pain is from filling my abdomen with gas for the surgery. The rest is like really bad pulled muscles. I have been taking in water, had a few bites of cottage cheese and am now working on a high protein slim fast so I can make sure to get enough protein. Before surgery I took body measurements that I'll post another day. I weighed in at 261 today so I have now lost 45 pounds!!! 5 more to 50, woohoo!!!

Come On Out!

2009-07-03T14:37:00.000-07:00

Now would be a great time for any and all lurkers to come on out and say hello!! The pre-op jitters have begun and I can use every ounce of encouragement you all can send my way. I know there are people reading this blog, that counter on the bottom keeps moving. Come out come out wherever you are!! :) To those of you who faithfully leave comments, thank you! It's nice to hear from you and your support is truly what keeps me going.

As for the pre-op jitters, yikes!! I'm back to thinking that I have already had 5 surgeries with no complications so I MUST be tempting fate by going in for another, right? UGH. It's not a horribly risky surgery but EVERY surgery has risks and I can't stop myself from thinking the worst. I'm also starting to stress about recovery. It seems most people either do really well and are up and around the next day with mild discomfort or people don't do well at all and it takes them weeks with a lot of pain. There seems to be very little middle ground. I am hoping, with all my might, that I will do well. With S being broken and on crutches I really need to be up and about as soon as I can. My mom will be coming to help as will S' mom but it's just not the same (if you know what I mean).

So come on out and leave a comment, I really need them right now :) THANKS!

Big Guy

2009-07-02T04:58:00.000-07:00

Big Guy turns 5 in one month, where did the time go? I am very thankful for the boy that he has become. He is loving and kind, empathetic and a great friend. I truly could not ask for more. I am also lucky because Big Guy still likes to cuddle. He likes to cuddle on the couch watching cartoons, he likes to climb into my bed and cuddle and talk and he still likes to be picked up and held when he's tired or scared. The only problem is that Big Guy is getting, well, big. It's tiring to carry him around for any length of time. I do it whenever I can but wow, he's getting heavy.

Today I have officially lost the same number of pounds Big Guy weighs. I thought it was mind boggling when I lost a whole Little Guy but a Big Guy? Whoa. Had I really been carrying around an almost 5 year old? Huh? No wonder I was tired all the time, no wonder I didn't want to exercise, no wonder the stairs sent me into heavy breathing. I had been carrying around a small child 24/7.

Alas, I have lost a whole Big Guy. I'm hoping to lose at least another ;)

Pre-op Day 8 Ramblings

2009-06-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Every day on this pre-op diet is a challenge, some more than others. Some days I am fine and have little desire to cheat. Other days I crave food like there is no tomorrow and, sadly, I sometimes crack and eat. I haven't been horrible by any means; some extra meat, a few crackers, etc. I also never do it more than once a day. Still, it leads to a slight sense of failure and disappointment. This weight loss journey is about so much more than weight. I literally fight with myself all day long to stick to the plan and focus on the goal, it's all consuming. I have mood swings that cry out for Prozac and I feel badly for the people around me whom witness them. I am doing the best that I can and I try to remind myself of that but when you fall short of who you want to be it's hard not to beat yourself up. I am so ready for this journey, more than I ever have been in my life but I can honestly say it's nothing like what I expected.

So in the spirit of trying to stay positive and look toward the future I am going to list some of the things that have already changed for the good.

* I am wearing a size 20 in some bottoms and all of my shirts are getting to be way too big.
* People are noticing the loss now and commenting on how good I look.
* My rings are all too big.
* I had to move the seat in my car up b/c my ass is shrinking.
* I went to a baseball game and fit comfortably in the seat.
* I can bend over to tie my shoes AND breathe at the same time.
* I ran an entire lap around the high school track. I LOVE to run and am soooo happy to be able to start.
* My kids are so much more aware of healthy foods and exercise than they ever were and I see them making better choices.
* All of my walking routes need to be lengthened b/c I am finishing them a lot faster.
* I can run up the stairs of my apartment and not be out of breath (walking them used to be strenuous).
* When I am laying down I can feel my ribs and breastbone.

I am very happy about the progress that I have made and so hopeful for the changes that are yet to come.

Power

2009-06-26T04:49:00.000-07:00

It's silver, digital and sits in the corner of my bathroom. It doesn't sound like much but this small object has so much power and control over me it's crazy. If you haven't guess, it's my scale. Some days I love it and some days I want to throw it out the window and watch it shatter into a bazillion pieces. Today is one of those days. This pre-op diet has been no picnic (literally). Yesterday morning though when the scale went down I felt so much better about it, it was working! I started to feel less anxious about surgery day, I have HUGE anxiety that I won't have lost enough and get cancelled. This morning I was looking forward to stepping on the scale. Yesterday I was super busy and ate very, very little plus I went for a nice walk. So I stepped on, watched the lines dance around and the results were.........I gained nearly a pound. Huh?? What? I'm sorry what did you say? It's so frustrating and disheartening. I know there are many reasons for the fluctuation and I have no doubt it will be gone in a heartbeat but....I didn't lose anything. Seriously, why am I working so hard at this for that. Sigh......here's hoping tomorrow is better, I can't handle the ups and downs of this game.

Pre-op Day 3

2009-06-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

I have hope. The past two days have been miserable. I've been hungry but nothing I am allowed to eat sounded good. I have been craving something as simple as crackers and fruit. I struggle with wanting to cheat but know that I am doing the right thing and the guilt/fear wouldn't be worth it. This morning feels different. I may not feel this way come afternoon but for now I am hopeful. The scale dropped nearly two pounds this AM so that is pretty motivating. For my kids sake let's all hope that the sugar withdrawal is coming to an end and the raving lunatic that replaced their mommy is gone.

Pre-Admission Testing

2009-06-23T11:57:00.000-07:00

Today was my pre-admission testing day. It went really well. I had to fill out a brief health questionnaire, give blood, have an EKG, do vitals and meet with a nurse to discuss instructions. I was out in about 30 minutes. The worse part was the blood. The phlebotomist needs a new profession. She was having a hard time finding a vein and then found one that rolled a little. She used the alcohol wipe and cleaned her finger so she could use that to help stabilize the vein. It didn't work. She kept having to move the needle and fish around ~ OUCH! I survived, it's done, I'm moving on. In talking with the nurse she said that she has actually seen my surgeon weigh people on surgery day and then cancel their surgery b/c they have failed to lose weight. Scary. I started my pre-op diet, designed to help you drop pounds FAST, so the rational part of my brain tells me everything will be fine. The irrational part is a whole different story.

Pre-op diet has been OK. I would literally KILL for crackers with peanut butter right now but I am not allowed. I'm nauseous and head achy but I hear that's from the lack of carbs and sugar. Fun. I have a feeling that the next few days are not going to be pretty. I apologize to everyone now :)

Approval

2009-06-20T10:37:00.001-07:00

Today I got the letter from my insurance company approving my surgery, yay!! I'm trying to stay positive that it will all work out. The major problem I am facing right now s that my partner broke her ankle the other day and may need surgery. Even without surgery she'll still be casted for a while. I'm faced with a major decision here. Part of me thinks I should postpone my surgery since one of us needs to be able bodied to take care of the kids and part of me thinks I should just go for it and we'll figure it out. Thoughts??

Weigh In

2009-06-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

35 Pounds gone forever.....my clothes are too big, I have more energy, I fit places I didn't before, I ache less, I LIKE to walk/hike with the family, and I feel more like me.

Sad

2009-06-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

So I emailed my insurance company because I couldn't stand the wait anymore. They called today. I'm not happy. Apparently they received the request for my surgery in the mail TODAY, 2 weeks 2 days after my appointment. The woman I spoke with said that it would be a few weeks until a decision was made and that until a decision was made nothing would be covered. They also can not retroactively cover anythng. So, those pre-op tests I was scheduled for Tuesday? Not going to happen. No pre-op tests=no surgery. I just emailed the surgeon's office to see what I should do but at this point it's my best guess that my surgery will be postponed. I'm very sad, very frustrated and just feel let down. I just wish that for once things could go smoothly and easily. I'm up for a challenge now and again but doesn't everyone deserve a break??

As Promised.....

2009-06-16T05:48:00.000-07:00

The Pre-Op Diet

One week from today I begin my two week pre-op diet. Here's what it looks like;

Option 1:
3 protein shakes
1 Lean cuisine style frozen meal (under 300 calories)
2oz lean meat
1 cup cooked veggie
1 med. piece of fruit
4oz low fat milk/yogurt
1 tsp reg fat or 1 TBS light fat (margerine, butter, oil, salad dressing)

Option 2:
3 protein shakes
4oz lean meat
1/2 cup or 1 oz starch (potato, rice, pasta, etc)
1 cup cooked veggie
1 medium piece of fruit
4 oz low fat milk/yogurt
1 tsp reg fat or 1 TBS light fat (margerine, butter, oil, salad dressing)

With both options I get unlimited raw veggies. I need to drink 8 cups of non-carbonated liquids per day and that includes any protein shakes, water, crystal light, sugar free popsicles, sugar free jello, fat free broth, decaf herbal tea, etc.

The day before surgery I can not have any solid food and am allowed 5 protein shakes and non caloric liquids.

It will be hard but nothing is impossible with determination.

Tick Tock

2009-06-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am still waiting to hear from my insurance company. It will be two weeks tomorrow and I'm getting really anxious.

Diet wise I have been doing OK. I am trying not to get the "last supper syndrome" and eat everything in front of me. I have had a few splurges here and there but I have maintained my loss and am still down slightly over 31 pounds. I've been walking every day so that helps. I am hoping to maybe lose 2-3 pounds this week before my pre-op appointment on the 23rd.

Other than that things are same old same old. I've been spending more time on lapbandtalk.com and obesityhelp.com reading up on lapband experiences etc. I feel fairly prepared for what lies ahead.

Where Have All the Flowers Gone

2009-06-12T04:42:00.000-07:00

Lately I have felt invisible. I haven't heard from many of my friends in at least a week and I'm feeling pretty alone. I did get the chance to get together with my friend Robin the other day and it was great! It got me out of my funk for a bit, I laughed, we had fun. Where is everyone else? I know ths whole weight loss thing has sucked me in and can be consuming but I am still me. I don't obsess over it when hanging out with friends, in fact, I try to avoid talking about it because most just don't understand. It's just weird, everyone seems to have faded away when I really need them the most. Sigh. That's all.

Feelings

2009-06-10T07:02:00.001-07:00

I have had, from the start, mixed emotions regarding the lap band surgery. I KNOW that I NEED it, I have 20+ years of trying to diet behind me to prove that. The hard part is processing that I really can not do this on my own. It's hard to accept that you are failing yourself, if that makes any sense. I know it has to do with my body and it is considered a disease but still, I feel like I have failed myself. I have been working on changing that thought process. In having the surgery and losing the weight I am succeeding and would only be failing if I stayed morbidly obese for my life. There are many other emotions floating around too. Saying good bye to food is hard. I have used food more for emotional satisfaction than physical and it's hard to let that go and find other ways to cope. It is also hard to fight such an uphill battle for so long. Losing the weight is motivating but there are days, weeks when I just want to be able to eat whatever looks or sounds good and not think about it. In preparing for the surgery I am also having to ask people for help, not my strong suit. Then there are all the people around me who see my brave facade and think nothing of this. Little do they know that inside I am very scared. It's nothing I really want to talk about right now but it's hard that people think I am fine and excited and have no fears. This is surgery, there will be anesthesia, there will be pain, there could be complications.....scary. Plus, what if the band doesn't work for me? For some people it just doesn't work, it's not the right tool. What then? I can not, will not do gastric bypass, it's just too extreme for me. SO what? Be fat my whole life? struggle with diets forever? I know, I know, I'm jumping ahead into the unknown but these are the places my mind has been lately. I just feel like I have a life ahead of me that's very different from where I am now. I know that if I lose the weight I will be more confident and get out and live my life more. I worry that I'll never get there and never be the real me.

Celebrate

2009-06-08T03:42:00.000-07:00

Wow, I had no idea I'd hit this milestone today. Last week I was up several pounds and over the weekend they just kept falling off. I know a lot was water weight but seriously, the scale shocked me this morning. I'm happy about it though :)

Funk

2009-06-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

I've been in a funk all week. I'm not even enjoying my own company, bah. There are many contributing factors but I won't bore you with my ho-hum blah-ness. Instead, I'll update you on surgery.

First, I'm still waiting to hear what the insurance company has decided. I hope it doesn't take too long to get word.
Second, I saw my primary care doc. and she put me on BP meds to help with the insurance approval. Truth is I kind of needed them anyway but just hate being on meds.
Third, I got my paperwork in the mail and have a pre-op assessment on June 23rd which is also the same day I start my pre-op diet (more on that next time) and the same day big guy starts t-ball. I'll get weighed that day and if I have gained since my last weigh in they cancel my surgery. UGH. It's just so stressful. I did not eat well this week and put on a few pounds so today I went back to making careful decisions in the food department. I have 2 full weeks until then so I know I'll knock off the few I re-gained and I hope to lose a few more. I know I CAN and WILL do it but sometimes it's so all consuming it makes me want to ScReAm!

So that's where things stand for now. I'm trying to wrap my head around this whole process. Right now I'm focusing on pre-op diet and recovery. It's a lot to think about.

The Results Are In

2009-06-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

My appointment at Casco Bay Surgery today went very well. I was 5 pounds below the goal they set for me when I weighed in. Yay! The surgeon said I was doing an awesome job losing weight. Yay!!! The only quasi bad thing was that the surgeon is concerned that I am not on blood pressure medication and need to be for it to count as a co-morbidity for insurance approval. SO I emailed my primary care doc and we'll see what she says. I don't think it will be a big deal. After meeting with the surgeon I scheduled my surgery!!!! Pending insurance approval I will go under the knife on Tuesday the seventh of July. My pre-op diet will start on June 23rd, whoa. SO, I have 3 weeks until I start pre-op.....crazy. I'm happy and excited and nervous and scared and all those things rolled up into one.

Freaking Out

2009-05-31T14:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day, the meeting with my surgeon. What has me stressed out though is the damn weigh in. Last week was a bounce back up and plateau week for me and I sat right around 280 all week instead of 278. So the past few days I really pushed hard and this morning I was back to 278.4. Great. Then we went to Story Land with the kids. We had so much fun but the food there s not diet friendly. I ended up eating 2 soft tacos for lunch. They had very little cheese, no sour cream and were mostly lettuce and tomatoes with a little meat thrown in. I snagged a few french fries (6~tops) from the kids and that was it. Tonight for dinner I picked up a rotisserie chicken and had some chicken over salad with fat free dressing. I am completely stressed out that the tacos, 6 fries and few bite of chicken skin are going to throw the scale off come tomorrow. Help!! Talk me down!! All I want to do is eat right now, I'm guessing just because I know I can't. I'm a wreck.....seriously and will probably spend the rest of the night on the scale stressing out.

Party for One

2009-05-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose ~ Helen Keller

(psssttt.....check out my ticker at the bottom of the page :)

Interesting (to me) facts :)

2009-05-23T02:59:00.000-07:00

Catherine over at Chronicles from Band Land posted about her rate of weight loss yesterday. Since getting banded she has lost 1.43 pounds per week. I was impressed! I started thinking about how much I have lost on my own so far and then pulled out the calendar. I think I've been at this for 26 ish weeks. Since I have now lost 26 pounds that was easy math. So my rate of weight loss is 1 pound per week.

Honestly I was shocked. With the number of times I fell off the wagon and bounced back up to a higher weight I can't believe it was still that good. So I'm giving myself a pat on the back and looking forward to when I am banded and it's harder to fall off the wagon. While we are on the subject I'm guessing that this is the longest I've ever stayed committed to losing and kept at it. I'm pretty proud of that.

Lighter

2009-05-20T04:34:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE

Inspiration

2009-05-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have inspired other people with my weight loss journey. I've had several people write to me and tell me that they are now pursuing a healthier lifestyle because of what I am doing. I think it's great that people are wanting to be healthier and are making steps towards that but I just cannot get it through my head that it's because of me. I think part of why it's so hard is because I am still so far from where I want to be. I look at the numbers and in the mirror and I am not even close to my goal. The other thing that makes it hard is that this journey has been such a struggle and I have fallen off the wagon so many times I should probably get a CT scan. Today a friend told me I had inspired her. It was super hard to believe today because today was one of those days that Oreo's and naps won over apples and exercise. I'm proud of my friend though, she's lost 30 pounds! (OK, I'm jealous too :)

I'm going to leave you with a few of my favorite inspirational weight loss quotes;

The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. ~ Benjamin Mays

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there. ~ Unknown

You have failed only when you quit trying. Until then, you're still in the act of progression. So, never quit trying and you'll never be a failure. ~ Tommy Kelley

If you want what you do not have, you must do what you have not done. ~ Unknown

Screeching Halt

2009-05-19T04:31:00.000-07:00

I lost a pound a day last week. Fantastic! The problem? It sets me up for disappointment. The past two days there has been no movement on the scale. Believe me, I am beyond thankful it hasn't gone up but even just a quarter of a pound down would be good. I certainly did not expect to keep losing a pound a day but standstills are tough. I'm going to keep at it though and you will be the first to know if there are any changes.

PS-I know, I know....DON'T weigh myself everyday. I've heard it before, trust me! For me, weighing every day is helpful, it gives me feedback and encouragement especially when I am losing.

Head Games

2009-05-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

Losing weight seems, to many, to be such a physical thing. Eat less + exercise more = weight loss. For those of us who have done it/are doing it we know that it is so much more. There's physical hunger, when your stomach growls and you need to it. Then there's mental hunger. Mental hunger is the toughest, for me. I'll be driving down the road and all of a sudden a little voice inside my head says "cake" or "Big Mac". I may or may not be physically hungry at the time but that little voice remembers how good cake and Big Mac's are and wants them....NOW. To be successful at weight loss you have to learn how to manage that little voice. I've found that it takes a healthy balance of saying no to the things I crave and giving in once in a while. What does your little voice ask for? How do you handle it?

Ta-da!!

2009-05-17T04:41:00.000-07:00

I did it, I lost 25 pounds!!! 2-3 more pounds and I will have lost the equivalent of Little Guy. HUH? I've almost lost a whole 2 year old???????????????????? How bizarre is that? Wow.

Feeling the High

2009-05-16T04:08:00.000-07:00

It's been such a great health week! Sunday I was feeling down and depressed and the scale did not cheer me up at all. I was back up to 289 :( Monday morning rolled around and instead of wallowing in self pity (which I'm pretty good at by the way) I got up with the sun, strapped on my sneakers and went for a walk. It felt good. I had been walking daily for a long time but then fell off the wagon. I had tons of excuses and reasons not to. Monday I realized I had forgotten the number one reason TO walk; me. I enjoy my time alone, the smells of flowers in the morning, the birds tweeting, my joints creaking, my back sweating.......uh, sorry, I digress. It's good time to just be me and I spend a lot of the time walking thinking about about what to write in my next blog.

I walked almost every day this week, save yesterday when I was pinned to the couch by a snoring two year old. I knew if I moved he'd wake up and then I wouldn't be able to leave anyway. The break was good though.

Now on to heavier topics; weight. Sunday I was 289 and this morning I was........drum roll please.......

283!!!!!!!!!!

Changes

2009-05-15T04:25:00.001-07:00

I am making some changes around here to the layout/colors/fonts. Let me know that you think! All suggestions are welcome! Thanks for reading :)

Counting....

2009-05-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

Yup, only 18 more days until my appointment with the surgeon. Can you believe it? I'm so ~~excited~~ nervous that I can't stand it. I'm not sure what to expect. I know it's a chance for me to ask questions but I honestly don't have any. I've done so much research I just can't think of anything to ask. From what I hear if all goes well at this appointment and with my insurance approval they will schedule surgery for 4-6 weeks later. That's nothing!

My Butt Hurts

2009-05-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well it's not quite my butt, have you ridden a bike lately? Ouch. It's a good thing though, it's exercise and man do I need it. Yesterday I started walking in the mornings again and then last night when all I really wanted to do was sit on the couch and snack I hopped on my bike. I can only muster about 20-30 minutes of riding, without major hills, but it's a start. I hope to get back out there again tonight. I do feel a little self conscious-hey look at the lard ass on the bike- but I keep saying to myself "you could be on the couch eating chips, at least you are DOING something about it." That helps, some. Let's also hope that it helps the scale ;)

I really don't have much else to say. My life has really come together and I am happy :) I have great friends, my kids have friends, I get to go out, they get to go out, I'm managing the home well, things are just moving right along and most of the time I have a smile on my face. I'm getting out and living my life and am excited to enter the next phase of my life with the lap band. I can't wait to do more and more as the weight comes off. It's an exciting time.

Progress

2009-05-10T05:30:00.000-07:00

In the wrong direction......ugh. Need I say more?

25 Days

2009-05-07T04:58:00.000-07:00

I have twenty five days, including today, to get to the goal weight set for me by the Bariatric Surgery Center. So....hmmm....let's do some math. I am up 3 pounds since the great Texas eating vacation of 2009 which puts me back at 286 (naked). My goal is 283. It sounds like a measly 3 pounds but since, THANKFULLY, they do not weigh you naked I need to account for 2-3 pounds of clothing + lucky me will be ovulating right around then and retaining some lovely water weight. Roughly, I have about 9 pounds to lose and because rounding is fun, let's say 10. 10 pounds in 25 days?? That is .4 pounds a day. Time to get serious.

USAir rocks!

2009-05-05T13:29:00.001-07:00

Thank you US Airways! Your seats were roomy, far more than that other airline and the seat belt fit without an extender, in fact, I had room to spare. Thank you for making me feel like I belonged on that plane and not like I was trying to squeeze into Barbies corvette.

On a side note; 4 days of ~~vacation~~ yummy Mexican food and margaritas has left me higher on the scale than I am comfortable with. Some, if not most, is water weight, I'm more bloated than a Macy's day parade balloon. Ouch.

Planes Are Designed for Barbie

2009-05-02T04:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a week since my last post I got back n the scale and it still said 283. Phew. Last Saturday I hit 281.8 but bounced back up. I'm OK with that, we're still getting some where.

In other news, I'm in San Antonio! I came to visit a friend and am hoping to have some good fun this weekend. Flying to San Antonio meant sitting in a plane seat? Any larger people (the airline will call you customer of size) done that lately? Wow. I was soooooo nervous about whether or not I would fit into the plane seat or if I'd be asked to buy a second seat. Then I was nervous about the seat belt and needing an extender. Other people didn't get it and thought nothing of me needing to ask for one. It's just embarrassing to me. "Hey, hello there, flight attendant.....I've managed to cram my fat ass into this seat made for Barbie over here but this 3 inch long seat belt just ain't going to cut it....perhaps Barbie could use it as a thong." So, I did manage to fit into one seat, some more comfortably than others. I did, also, need a seat belt extender. (Insert panic here) I needed about another 2 inches of belt, 2 measly inches. Sigh...... It wasn't the most horrible thing ever to ask for one but still embarrassing and I did try to hide it from fellow travelers. I am not proud of my size and it was just another little reminder that I am not like most other people.

Down we go.....

2009-04-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

283!! I am so excited! Finally, I am moving in the right direction. Losing makes me more motivated to keep going and less nervous about my appt. in just over a month. Phew........

A hard won pound

2009-04-23T04:40:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting at 286 for quite some time now longing to be back at my low of 282. I finally budged the scale (in the right direction) and am at 285. It was hard won and I hope it stays gone forever. Staying busy is key to my losing weight and thankfully I've been busy this week. Tomorrow I am off for a hike with the kids and friends so that should keep that pound at bay.

Good bye pound.....you are not needed here anymore......go find someone else's ass to sit on :)

Secret Revised

2009-04-22T04:36:00.000-07:00

Back in January I revealed a secret http://cookiescakesandshakes.blogspot.com/2009/01/shhh.html. In January, I felt like I did not fit in with the preschool mom set. Now?? Well, now I am proud to report that those ladies are some of my closest friends. I am one of a small group of ladies who gets together frequently, with kids and without :) I still have moments of insecurity with them, who doesn't? Are they trying to tell me something when they straighten my hair and tell me how pretty it is? Is there a hidden message behind talking about cleaning their houses? Sigh, that's OK, I'm pretty sure it's just me being insecure. I try to put the insecurities behind and just have fun because life is short and I feel like I am just starting to really live.

Good Friends Make All the Difference

2009-04-21T13:01:00.001-07:00

I've been on this journey for quite some time. I have been trying to lose weight nearly all of my life and I started on the lap band journey last November. I'm getting close to, I hope, surgery but as was expected some of my supporters have wained. Some were never really supporters at all, they said they were, then they ate donuts while I sat and watched. Others, still claim to be supportive, but suggest we get ice cream for dinner, repeatedly. It's so hard, I get it. No one can be as consumed with it on a daily basis as I am. It is nice however that some of my friends are still talking about it with me and are proud of me for what I am doing. I got teary the other day after hearing my friends talking about it while we were all together. They were so positive and encouraging. One admitted she wished she could better understand what I was going through but just couldn't. I get that too. I wish I could understand how being 5'9" and 100 pounds is fat. We all have our issues.......

So to my friends (you know who you are) thank you. Thank you for not making me feel fat, for loving me for who I am, for reminding me that I still have people in my corner, and most of all for being there. You ladies are the best!